It's Christmas - How can I explain to my mum, without hurting her feelings?

[Sharon Morris]

My family would like me to be there but I can't. Honestly, I can't. There are about 14 people for Christmas dinner, I can't cope with that. Panic attacks amongst other things and I don't want to cause an upset. I just don't how to explain to my Mum, without hurting her feelings.

 

[emily1890]

So sorry Sharon
Christmas is meant to be a happy and exciting time, yet so many of us have these issues around gatherings or related things.

I don't have family, and I'm forced to spend Christmas alone every year. It sucks, and by now people would think I'm used to it, but not having gifts, not having someone say merry Christmas, not having any cards, you never get used to it

Thinking about you

 

[arfie]

i didn't have to deal with a mother on this score, but my general handling of my need to pass on the yuletide festivities is, "thank you, but no thank you. enjoy your holiday."

sibs-in-healing who have more traditional mothers to fend off add something to the effect of, "why is personal, mom. please just accept it is so and know how much i love you." the challenge of maintaining that personal boundary varies from mother to mother.

 

[Movingforward10]

I think saying what you said above?


Whilst she might be upset, she might want you to be ok above all else?

 

[Friday]

My family would like me to be there but I can't. Honestly, I can't. There are about 14 people for Christmas dinner, I can't cope with that. Panic attacks amongst other things and I don't want to cause an upset. I just don't how to explain to my Mum, without hurting her feelings.

It’s really difficult for most people to understand how anything they think is fun, exciting, relaxing, easy, or enjoyable… is impossibly difficult, or terrifying for others.

So, instead? They tend to take it as a personal insult, &/or get their feelings hurt.

Which is the best way I know of to sidestep the issue : instead of explaining to only have those explanations fall on deaf ears / bounce off a brick wall / be misinterpreted? Go after the end result. Insult & hurt feelings by missing the special event I’m putting on to showcase how much I love you? Well let’s reverse that!

1. Make plans to do something super special with then, alone, to express how much you love them…. Since you “can’t” be at their amazing, wonderful, exciting, lovely, expression of all things beloved (misery!) event… showing how much they love you. Something you BOTH enjoy, just underlining how special she is to you, since you’re missing her special day, having a special event just for her.

2. Make plans to be elsewhere, preferably far far far away. rather than doing “nothing”… so you really “can’t” be there.

***

Extra Credit = 3. Coming up with a new tradition, that they can look forward to when you’re not there, rather than being upset that you’re not there.

***

Ex) I couldn’t handle my family’s thanksgiving after certain members died…

(IE “my people!” that made the event fun, rather than overwhelming & miserable, no matter how much I loved them all individually? As a group I’d rather swallow knives. )

…so I started coming the day after for “Turkey! Part Deux!” (sandwiches & a relaxed good time amongst 5 people, rather than 40 people, at various levels of on their best bad behaviour). I had a solid “reason” for not coming for a few years, but by then? “Turkey! Part Deux!” had become such a tradition that I no longer needed a reason to miss Thursday. Friday? Is where it’s at!!! Yay!

Ex) When my son/children were little I flat out MOVED Xmas in our house, so we weren’t miserable and exhausted shuffling between 3 houses. I did it a few different ways, but my fave? 21st was Xmas Eve, 22nd was Xmas, 23rd day to relax, 24th was in-laws, 25th was my fam. Phew!

^^^ So one of those examples requires the participation of others, meanwhile the other one, no one got a say, because I just did it in my own life.

 

[looking for the road]

Sharon this was hard to hear and I feel your pain. There are probably many out here that is or has gone though the same problem. I for one stop one day to see my parents and told them that I would not be at the house for Xmas. I have seven brothers and sisters. First thing which dad said well if you don’t want to spend time with us don’t ever come back. Those words cut me hard I got up and left. Did not see them for 22 years. I found a friend who was going anywhere for Xmas and we made it a party of two. Sharon very sorry

 

[MMBB]

Christmas is meant to be a happy and exciting time, yet so many of us have these issues around gatherings or related things.

I don't have family, and I'm forced to spend Christmas alone every year. It sucks, and by now people would think I'm used to it, but not having gifts, not having someone say merry Christmas, not having any cards, you never get used to it

Emily, I wanted to jump in to say you are not alone. I don't have a family of origin that I do the holidays with either, but sometimes being without them is better than the alternative. With that said, the feelings of hurt, grief, and sadness can be especially persistent at this time of year. Most people don't even notice that people like us exist, which can be hurtful in itself. I'm sending you a very big and very warm hug.

I don't want to cause an upset

Sharon, unfortunately sometimes keeping to our boundaries and making sure we are physically, emotionally, and mentally ok does not sit well with others. But remember healthy boundaries are only seen as bad by unhealthy people. If you were my child, I would ask what I could do to make your holiday special even if you couldn't attend. I'm hopeful that you receive the same or similar loving response from your own mom, and she surprises you :-)

 

[Sideways]

It’s okay for other people to get upset when we tell them “I can’t do that with you”. If you consider the alternative (not caring at all about your absence), then being upset makes sense.

Allow people to have their feelings. Instead of avoidance, maybe practice compassion instead - “I’m really sorry you’re disappointed”.

That’s one of the reasons genuinely supportive relationships rock. She’s allowed to be upset about things, just like you are, and that can build the relationship, rather than destroy it, depending on how you respond to it.

 

[Freddyt]

It’s okay for other people to get upset when we tell them “I can’t do that with you”.

1. Make plans to do something super special with then, alone, to express how much you love them…. Since you “can’t” be at their amazing, wonderful, exciting, lovely, expression of all things beloved (misery!) event… showing how much they love you. Something you BOTH enjoy, just underlining how special she is to you, since you’re missing her special day, having a special event just for her.

Is usually a super awesome way of handling it. If they are close enough - explaining the fallout of coming for Christmas with a crowd is usually helpful to them.

I usually go to - remember all the times I was sick during (Christmas, Thanksgiving, reunions, birthday parties, etc)? It was stress, from thinking about going to the event.

It's part of why I talk to the host/hostess for family christmas and explain why I just have a little bit of dinner - because even with benzo's? I can still get to F or F and then its everyone out....