Relationship Girlfriend loves me but says can't be with me

[Matthew123]

Hi all,

I am desperate for help.

My girlfriend of 8 months has PTSD... We moved into our dream apartment and 25 days later she brings over the UHaul and packs up the apartment giving me only minutes notice. The night before she told me she was staying at a friends house to get away for the weekend, then called me the next morning with the news.

I unknowingly hit her triggers over normal relationship arguments and what not.... nothing major or crazy... but to her I her those triggers that caused her to ruin what was honestly a fantastic relationship.

So 2 weeks later we are still talking and she is struggling mightily. She keeps telling me the pain is excruciating because she doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want to hurt me, but she just can't be with me because she now views me along with her demons of child abuse from her dad.

What can I do, if anything, in this situation to get her to believe in me again? To get her to see I am the same guy she fell in love with and the guy she moved into an apartment with just a month ago? This relationship is hanging by the lightest of threads and I am trying to get her to see that she has a guy that she loves and that loves her who is willing to take on everything that comes with PTSD and fight this thing with her forever, to make sure she never feels this pain again. I am just heartbroken I unknowingly hit those triggers and don't know what to do.

Thank you for any help with this

 

[Justmehere]

You can’t manage her triggers for her. She had to do that....

Has she asked you to change anything you are doing or not doing?

 

[Stephernovas]

be a constant in her life. By her communicating with you, it means she wants to be involved still but she has yet t learn how to manage them. As her what you can do, not us.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is she in treatment?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

She needs to deal with her demons. She needs trauma therapy, and until she has done the work she needs to do to heal, she won't ever feel safe enough to maintain a healthy relationship. Sadly, it doesn't matter how much you love each other or how hard you work on your relationship. Some things can't be fixed without professional help.

Kudos to you for finding this site. I wish every supporter cared enough to learn how to deal with their sufferer. Good luck to you, Matthew!

 

[Deleted member 44240]

My heart goes oit to you both.

 

[Matthew123]

She needs to deal with her demons. She needs trauma therapy, and until she has done the work she ne...

I am trying so hard but it's very difficult to not take things personally and feel the hurt and pain myself. Is this something I should see a therapist over myself?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I am trying so hard but it's very difficult to not take things personally and feel the hurt and pain myself. Is this something I should see a therapist over myself?

I would recommend it. The therapist I saw helped me to understand the challenges my ex was suffering with so it was easier not to take things so personally.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Ok... here's the thing. As a supporter you cannot do anything to help or fix her. That is going to be all her.

Secondly, you aren't triggering her. She is being triggered. Unless you know what her triggers are, and are specifically using them to trigger her on purpose, then you aren't triggering her. Life happened, and she was triggered.

She is responsible for managing her triggers, not you. You aren't going to be able to avoid triggers. Even if you knew what they were, something will always come along out of the blue and trigger her when she least expects it. It could be a random smell. A sound. Anything. How on earth can you avoid all that? You cannot. She will be triggered and you will probably be blamed for it at times. The thing you need to know is that it is not your fault. We cannot carry any kind of guilt or responsibility for it.

Also, read these... consider them the intro to your supporter education. There is a lot to learn.

Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

The PTSD Cup Explanation

Stop beating yourself up over this. There is nothing wrong with you, no matter what she may be saying right now.

 

[Matthew123]

Ok... here's the thing. As a supporter you cannot do anything to help or fix her. That is going to b...

Thank you, this post was very helpful. My instinct is to try to overwhelm her with love and support and just to let her know I want to fight this with her and that has only made things worse since the incident. I have finally understood that I just need to give her isolation and let her come back down from those triggers and then just have to let things play out as they may from there. Such a difficult time, thank you for the support!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I am trying so hard but it's very difficult to not take things personally and feel the hurt and pain myself. Is thi...

Thank you for having the courage to ask. Yes, we all carry baggage into relationships, and ptsd sufferers can inflict serious damage to their partners.

Matthew, please don't take offense at this. I've learned a lot about relationships in the last few years and maybe my painful lessons might be of help. Talk to a couples counsellor. Find out if there is something inside you that needs to save/rescue your girlfriend. A co-dependent relationship will destroy both of you.

 

[Katemaz]

Hi Matthew,
I am not sure if this will help.
Three areas for a person with C-PTSD
Safety, Trust, Community.
When anything in one of those three areas becomes unbalanced then a person with C-PTSD spins out of control. Triggers fire all over the place. The foundation if any that are built seem to be shattered and we do not seem to be tethered to the earth.
So you can only reassure your girlfriend that both of you can build a safe place for to continue to process her world. You can offer trust and she can hopefully make those first attempts of accepting, and she can build a new community with you. All pretty scary. Stuff.
So reassure what is happening is ok, do not try to fix. You cannot make it ok, you can just be here. Make it clear that love is not based on any ‘earning’ on her part. Loving words and behaviours match. It is ok for her to be imperfect. Validate her experience, and create space for her to process and work out her feelings. If she has a specific trigger remember you are only responsible to love her, you are not responsible for her. Support yes. Everything else is something she needs to do. As much as you hate this, she hates it 10 times more.