Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Dumped Me Because I Accidently Triggered Her

[Newtoptsd]

@monsterade hugs to you, sounds like you're going through a horrible time :hug:

You might not want to accept it but I think you have to accept the situation and move on. You have no control over her and what she does, so you have to accept the fact she has moved on and you need to as well!

Heartache hurts PTSD or no PTSD, keep busy, see friends, do things for you and time will heal your heart!

 

[TheMinsterman]

This may, or may not, come across as patronising but, as a 30 year old man to a 20 year old man, I've been there.

My first really serious girlfriend was around the same age, we dated for four years before she suddenly started to withdraw on me, lose interest and then broke up with me (for a second time). I was devastated, I thought it would last forever, few months later she was bumping uglies with somebody else and all of a sudden the whole spiel about "best friend" yadda yadda, all changed, she left. It hurt big style, I was convinced I'd found my soul mate, that I was ready for commitment and so on, I think with our first loves it is ALWAYS going to be how we feel and if I am being honest, it'll be how you feel for MOST partners.

After all, why are you with them if you're not wanting to theoretically be with them forever? I don't date people as a partner if I see no potential in them.

The thing here is, you're the one on the receiving end of the rejection. As if often the case in PTSD. It wasn't your choice nor your desire to break up, it was hers, you're left feeling rejected and used and that is going to really hurt and it's going to mess with your emotions because whilst she may have disengaged emotionally, hence breaking it off, you haven't, you didn't get that memo and you didn't get rejected with any care for your feelings.

You're left picking up the broken pieces that YOU did not break, and it absolutely f*cking sucks.

My advice? Cut her out of your life. You see many stories here about PTSD partners and I honestly believe there's so much varying degrees but yours is on an extreme end of a scale where he behaviour is just completely out of line. It's not "just PTSD", theres way more going on there, she hasn't cared for you one iota and to be honest has treated you appallingly.

You deserve better.

Let her go and make her own mistakes, she's going to have to learn they're hers and no hero is coming to pick up the tab.

You need to disengage and work on you and healing yourself, you're going to feel guilty for a while yet and compelled to help her, but you MUST resist this urge. I feel that your relationship isn't the kind we see here where it'd be healthy, if only they sought treatment, it could work, it feels like it's beyond repair and I am telling you that, not to be cruel, but because I don't want to see you chase somebody who doesn't treat you with any respect.

Don't allow her lies to make you feel the guilt of a person who intentionally hurt her, you know you didn't, don't let her make you doubt yourself.

 

[monsterade]

This may, or may not, come across as patronising but, as a 30 year old man to a 20 year old man,...

Just for an update, if you didn't read my recent reply, please see the replies I sent to nymafin30 where I found she started dating someone new days after dumping me, and I messaged her and flipped out, and she blocked me on snapchat. I got really mad.

I can't help but feel she left because she started noticing actions I truly did on accident and unintentionally, as abusive, and she believed I was becoming an abusive boyfriend. I also yelled at her and got really pissed off because on one incident, she had a post on Instagram where I commented along with her other friends, and she ignored my comment and said she was scared.

The week before we broke up, I told her I didn't feel like she was putting enough effort in our relationship and called out how she has stopped trying with a lot of things and stopped showing appreciation, and concern with my efforts. She broke down and admitted it was all true, and knew she was being a good girlfriend.

I can understand how she may feel that, and tells herself she leaves at any and all signs of abuse, even though I can swear on my life they were on accident and I did not mean them. She cannot process that and I feel at blame. That might not seem true to her because of how she was manipulated and abused in the past.

I am not reaching out to her period. I've gone AWOL on social media and not making an effort to see her social media. I just feel like I was becoming an abusive man because of how she defined my actions and compared them continuously.

 

[monsterade]

This may, or may not, come across as patronising but, as a 30 year old man to a 20 year old man,...

*she knew she WASN'T being a good girlfriend and wasn't giving her 100 when I approached her about her lack of effort.*

 

[TheMinsterman]

@monsterade then it sounds like the key thing for you is to detach yourself from her and focus on your feelings that perhaps you were becoming abusive, you have to remove yourself from her emotional interpretation of what you did.

For example, my ex felt I betrayed her when I encouraged her to tell somebody somebody had tried to assault her. Logically, she knew I did the right thing, I wasn't being malicious, but her PTSD interpreted it as a betrayal, that I pushed her into telling people she didn't trust and feel comfortable around. You have to take that step back and look at it as "did I really do that, in the cold light of day?".

Shouting, getting angry, doesn't make you a man on the fast track to being an abuser just because she identifies elements of it from her past. People shout and get angry, they can then still be the most loving and caring people 99% of the time, everybody snaps, you have to think if you really did go over the mark or if this is HER interpretation.

 

[monsterade]

@monsterade then it sounds like the key thing for you is to detach yourself fr...

Thank you for your reply.

I understand what you mean by having to take a step back and thinking that to her, to her interpretation, I was becoming abusive. I did not once hit her on purpose, demeaned her in any way, manipulated her, or hid anything from her.

What ended up happening to cause the break up between your ex and you? This event?

I may have gone over the mark to her perhaps, I did say she was manipulating me and I hated her and I hope she gets help and won't find someone like me to deal with this. She screenshotted the snapchats and then uploaded them on her complaint instagram account to show her friends, and said "don't let anyone believe that touching your arm in public is acceptable, or lying, or believe that what they did was okay, find someone who treats you better and don't tolerate this, he doesn't deserve an explanation for me choosing to talk to someone new" and things along those lines. Although time and time again, including when I did do those things at the time, I always said I didn't mean to intentionally and I really didn't. She told my friend she doesn't want to get back with me at all.

However, what grinds my gears is that she told me she wanted space and to be alone and to work on herself and said she'd be alone for a long time if she were to dump me, to work on herself and heal. And she felt that we rushed into our relationship because she wasn't healed yet and did not experience all of it, but is doing the EXACT same thing now with this guy, less than a week after she dumped me. And she had no comment.

Given that she is with a new guy, I don't want to get involved with that. I do feel bad and want to feel better. I do wish we could try again, but I think those options are out the window given what happened and how she moved on so fast.

 

[Parley]

She is 17 and any excuse will do. It's sad you were so invested because I doubt she ever was. She dated the boy before you for two years and was with you within the month? maybe two? She was still wheeling from her last breakup. Hopefully you can find some peace within

 

[monsterade]

She is 17 and any excuse will do. It's sad you were so invested because I doubt she ever was. She dated...

Well, she was dating her ex boyfriend (abuser for 2 years, and on-and-off reconciling things and her talking to him so he wouldn't kill himself), then it ended, then dated another guy sometime after, then dated me within a month or so after this guy. Her and I dated for about 3 months (tomorrow 3/28).

Now, she's with this new guy after the whole story I mentioned in my post and the replies to everyone else.

This just really hurts deeply and it's scarring. I want to be better, but I just feel guilty.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, as another blunt older man, 46, and someone with PTSD, I'm sorry your relationship ended. I know the pain is real.

She was 17. The chances this relationship would last, were slim. She is 17 and has PTSD, the chances the relationship would last are like the chances of winning the lottery. This isn't about you.

Yes, you made mistakes. Everyone does in relationships. Yes, some of the mistakes you made would have triggered me. Learning how to be with someone, is a learning process. You were early in your relationship, and dealing with someone with PTSD and Bipolar disorder. If she'd been ready, and wanted, a healthy relationship with you, she would have been more able to navigate those mistakes with you to find healthy boundaries. She clearly wasn't ready or didn't want to. As someone else said though, if you grabbed her arm by mistake more than once, it might not have been right. Just like, if you had liked to be social all the time, and she was an introvert, it might not have been right. That's not about you being wrong, it's about your needs not matching. That's what you find out as a relationship develops.

If you did trigger her, than learn from that. But *you* are not the one who created the triggers or PTSD. You are not the one who made her so frightened of being grabbed or see threat in so many things. You are not the one who made her seek out (unconsciously) unhealthy relationships. You are not the one who created the huge damage you are living with.

It's true, she doesn't haven't to explain herself to you. It sucks, but you can't do anything about that. You are still trying to control the situation, but being involved with someone else means you lose a degree of control. She may have well meant what she told you, that she needed space and time. Being 17, with PTSD and Bipolar disorder, has to be the epitome of impulsiveness. I would suggest, you might want to unfollow her on social media. Knowing what's going on with her, is not going to help you move on. And that's the part that *is* about you. How do you heal and learn? How do you take care of yourself? That's what you need to focus on.

 

[monsterade]

Ok, as another blunt older man, 46, and someone with PTSD, I'm sorry your relationship ended. I know the...

Wow, thank you for this. This really opened up my eyes about a few things.

I'm glad you were open enough to my story from start to finish. We did jump into the relationship right away and found out these things as they came along, so it was rushed. As you said, the situation with her guy is out of my control, but I do believe she's trying to make things done right with him, which is a bullet I have to blow.

I've deactivated my facebook (we're still friends but she doesn't post on it), signed out of my snapchat and instagram, and unfollowed her on my Instagram. She still views my Instagram stories. I am off of these apps to prevent me from looking at her stuff and to be in ignorance from her life, and not try and torture myself.

I don't think I'm ever going to reach out to her again - it'll be 3 months tomorrow. If I do, it will be in the future a long time from now. But I want to hear from you if that is a good idea or put this to rest and move on, and don't ever try to contact her.

Thanks again.

 

[monsterade]

Wow, thank you for this. This really opened up my eyes about a few things.

I'm glad you were open e...

a bullet I have to bite*.

 

[Sweet_E]

She made a decision that it is in her best interest and well-being to not be in a relationship. Especially for someone who has been abused, it is important to respect her personal boundaries. If you keep persisting, you may be disrespecting her boundaries. A relationship has to be wanted by both people and it may not be the healthiest choice to try to convince her otherwise. If you need to speak your mind and tell her where you stand in order to get closure, certainly do that, but then let the ball be in her court and don't keep pursuing her. After she has had time to reflect and heal, it is possible that she may try to connect with you again, but that is up to her. In the meantime, you will then need to do your own healing. You may even want to see a therapist for yourself.

I will also add that it sounds like, from what you have described, that she does not think the break up is your fault. She probably realized how sensitive she is to being triggered and that she needs to focus on her healing. One time, an ex boyfriend was tickling me to be playful and I just completely broke down into tears. It was unexpected for both of us. He looked at me, shocked, and said, "I didn't do anything." What happened was my body remembered being tickled by my abuser. That was the abuser's way of grooming me to be molested. Is there anything wrong with tickling someone in general? No. But for me, it sent me back to rexperience the abuse. It was the abusers fault for my reaction, not my ex's.