Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd Is Starting To Talk More

[Josh4757]

Hi,

I've been posting here frequently. My girlfriend and I are on a hiatus so she can get healthy. It's been worrying me because I don't want it to end up in a break up.

I've been supportive and have given her space. Today I wrote her a message and she replied with a long message, where she told me to feel better and called me kitten. This was after she tried to start a conversation on Twitter, and after she said, "You're a very wonderful person."

Is she almost down from her flare up or should I not trust this recent affection?

 

[Changing4Best]

She could be, it is hard to tell. You could ask her how she is doing. Show/ tell her that you want to continue having a relationship with her. Maybe ask her out for coffee, make it brief so she does not feel overwhelmed. See how she answers. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Go for it.

 

[joeylittle]

My girlfriend and I are on a hiatus so she can get healthy

I can't recall - did you decide on a length of time for the hiatus? It sounds like you are not so much in hiatus as in a holding pattern. Have you thought about what you can do during this time apart that might be good for you/your overall mental health/happiness?

In my opinion, you can believe anything when its happening - but PTSD isn't a linear condition. She could have another flare up tomorrow, if something happened. We work towards daily and consistent management of our symptoms, but it's not just one or the other, you know?

 

[Josh4757]

@joeylittle a holding pattern? Could you explain?

 

[joeylittle]

Only that you don't come across as being on hiatus, you come across as waiting for her to get back from the hiatus; if I've got it wrong, forgive me. But I generally think of a break in a relationship as legitimate time apart - I think it doesn't work when one party is letting the other party have space whilst patiently waiting for them to come back home.

That, to me, is giving someone space; maybe that's what you mean by hiatus?

 

[anthony]

Time apart can achieve two things... either the heart grows fonder from missing you, OR, the person gets used to, and likes, being by themselves. PTSD is a fickle bitch of an illness, and mood can change minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day. You think flare up, when the reality is that actually this is your girlfriends new normal, up / down.

 

[Josh4757]

@anthony She's been interacting with me today and has written me a long message. She's used affectionate words. What do you make of this?

 

[anthony]

I make... whilst apart you can communicate more effectively, yet together, you obviously ended up in hiatus, as you call it. I can't honestly tell you whether this is going to mean the outcome you hope, because I have seen to often the outcome that occurs, which is just as I said... you do better apart than together.

Everything comes down to her, the severity of her PTSD, how long you've been together... and really... just what she wants. I've done exactly as you're describing to old partners. When apart, I could communicate, I felt affection towards them, so forth. They thought things were getting better, so did I... but when together again, it was just another stressor and I ended up leaving them.

So many variables... and really you can only take this one day at a time and see what happens. It sounds more as though things are in her control and you're really waiting her to decide the relationship. Quite honestly... I would be asking her for a date. Yes... go back to the beginning, dating, and see what happens.

 

[Josh4757]

@anthony When together, we're really good. Our chemistry is great. It's just that she has had a month of reliving the trauma and isolation. I think once she gets through this then we'll be fine.

 

[GWhizz]

Sorry to be brutally honest but I wouldn't use 'flare-up' if I were describing my symptoms when they're at there worst.

You said she's had a month of reliving the trauma. You also say you're on a break so that she can 'get healthy'. Flashbacks etc do not just come for a week then disappear in my experience. The past 9months of my life has been a series of flare-ups from one moment to the next if I were to think of it that way. I cannot predict if I'll dream about it tonight or if something that reminds me of the abuse would trigger a flashback for example. All I can do is slowly learn to know my triggers so that I may avoid them or better manage how I respond to them.

I am also confused as to why you may not trust her affection. I would hope that affection in any relationship is just that. I don't think ptsd can nullify our real affection, at least I'd hope not - it doesn't change a person's level of honesty anyway unless they're seeking to hurt you which would be a big warning sign that things are not right. I guess the best thing I can recommend is that you try to get a bit more insight into the understanding of ptsd and how you as a partner can deal with it and manage it's knock-on effect on you. I commend you for choosing to be a supporter, she's a lucky girl to even have you here seeking out advice.

Please do take care of yourself and just take things slow. I would try to use this break to seek out primarily what you expect from this relationship and how you intend to cope with all the uncertain ups and downs as I like to call them