Well I did manage rather well. It was a day that required lots of thought and patience with myself. It was a day that was full of me practicing all my self regulation skills. It was a day of breathing and self talk. It was a good day.
I was nervous last night and couldn't go to sleep until 2 hours past my bed time. I woke up feeling a bit tired but I got myself up. I did breathing on the way. I was feeling tired and once I connected to that - all the aniexty came up. So it is better to feel the anxiety than just feel blah and tired. So I take that as progress. I did self talk and kept focussed. I was well packed and organised so that was good and helped me feel grounded and well organised.
There were over 20 people in the group. I was quietly friendly. I chatted to people generally as the day went on. I was mostly grounded and not dissociated. I think it was a personal best for me in terms of being with people and not dissociating, not people pleased and not blabbling on. I really did well.
There was a two year old accompanying his parents who decided I was his best new friend and he followed me about and held my hand. I carried his sticks for him for awhile. The other members of the group and his parents where quite amused by his fascination with me. When I left to get my morning tea from the car he asked loudly where I was going and asked what I was looking at (I showed him) and where was my friend? (meaning me). His 7 year old brother asked me the million questions a bright kid does and I went well for awhile with that and then I was tired and I said now let us focus and see what we can see - and he was cool with that and went off to ask the leader/teacher/guide another set of questions. Great kid but I did reach the end of my concentration there for a bit.
So I wasn't feeling excruciatingly anxious, not good enough and so forth. It was a good place to be. I was able to manage my boundaries and be considerate of others. I had some lovely moments of chat and connection. Nothing deep and meaningful or earth shattering but just the chitter chatter of people sharing an interest. It was companionable.
When I needed a break I just flipped through my book or listened to other people having conversations. I was contained and grounded.
There was this very cluey woman there and she asked me some questions and I managed that well. I was making sure to share the conversation and make sure I asked questions about their interest in the scheme of things and she mirrored back my conversational style back to me. It was rather nice feedback, very adroitly done. I got a little anxious. But I did just fine in the final analysis. Feelings aren't facts.
I had one of those wonderful moments where the whole group of 20 plus people walked past 3 Southern Boobook Owls and I was the one to see them. I called everyone back. They were all delighted. I got a lot of kudos for that. I told them I had them arranged neatly, all three in a row, on the branch, low down in the tree, for their viewing pleasure. So that was rather nice and special and exciting all rolled in to one.
By the end of it I was tired. My brain was tired. It was one tired brain. I had concentrated on getting there, getting organised, being present, not being dissociated, learning all the new skills, being present with people, thinking things though, watching and looking and paying attention, adjusting my social manner to match the person I was talking with, managing my anxiety etc. My poor little brain was tired when they went on with further identification skills. I was like I have to go home soon. I could feel the information bouncing off my brain at that point. People had left during the day as they got their fill - they got as much information as they could take in and they left. I didn't listen to well the last hour but I was there. I engaged. I was pleased to go. I had had a great day. I was simply exhausted.
Then I realised I was so tired that I stopped for awhile and had a break on the way back. So that was Stop, Revive, Survive. So that was a good and wise choice.
When I got home I just wanted to crawl back in to my house and collapse and have a nap. I was exhausted, but I decided I must do a Dip in the Ocean - just a quick one and I managed to stay half an hour so that was good. Then I had a hot shower, had some net downtime and then went shopping for an ingredient for dinner and cooked. So the day was good. I am a bit weary but feel like I have accomplished something big for me.
