Goals Jeopardized By My Ptsd

[swordsmen]

Hi everyone. I am a 25 yr old male who got diagnosed with PTSD about 3 months ago. I thought I could post my story and ask suggestions from people who are going through the same thing. To be brief, heres my story:

I grew up in a house where verbal and physical abuse was quiet the norm. I didn't know how to stand up for myself at home and because of that I didn't know how to stand up for myself in school. I knew I was always in a state of anxiety but at the same time I thought that was normal because I was young at the time and my uneducated parents didn't find any problems in me and thought my behaviour was normal.

Only when I moved away for college did I start to feel at ease. I wasn't as afraid anymore and I learned to be myself. My dad being a stressor was not around anymore so I felt alot more comfortable. However, now that I finished college I ended up moving back home and thats when things in my life started getting really bad.

I had flashbacks of my abuse which lead to my anxiety attacks nearly everyday. I constantly lashed out at my parents and asked them questions WHY? did they do all those things to me. Why? didn't they find any problems with it. I had to convince them that I had to go through therapy because they're uneducated to realize that anything was ever wrong with me. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and this has brought a list of challenges that I would've never anticipated in my life.

My goal for the longest time is to get accepted into medical school. However, not only is this road challenging by itself but my symptoms has made it alot harder for me to concentrate. I have no choice but to live with my parents and study because I want to save myself financially as I study. But being at home alone is a stressor for me because I get alot of flashbacks and bad memories as a child. I usually find myself thinking of all ways to improve my performance without ever putting it to practice. I don't have the motivation to succeed as I once used to back in college. I inevitably feel that I cannot get to where I need to be for as long as I am living in my parents place. It not only depresses me but I can never get around to give it my 100% for longer than 2-3 days. My MCAT,an admissions test for medical school, kinda like the GRE or GMAT is coming up in a month. Though I have been studying half as much as I need to be, I realized that I only have a month left and I have to study alot more than I should be. I am confused, afraid and hopeless. I have been seeking therapy but it has only yielded mild improvements or made me more aware of my shortcomings.

My parents nor my friends understand the imperils of my PTSD. To them its only about thinking positive. But little do they know that some memories come to you without you knowing or actively thinking about it. When they do they create all these symptoms in me which eventually leads to my lack of productivity. As such I refuse to talk to my own parents and many of my friends. I wish someday I can come back to my feet and give it my 100% in life. But for now, the only goal I had to succeed is under jeopardy.

 

[jmni]

In the long term I think that the expense you are worried about now would probably be insignificant compare to the actual debt accrued from going to medical school. But I can understand why you want to study short term and spend this month in preparation.

Could you look on craigslist for a monthly rental like a vacation home that will not break you financially? There might be something within a few hours or a day from where you live in a more peaceful or scenic area. The change of scenery might do you some good.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sadly, the truth is that your life has changed radically once you started getting symptoms of PTSD. Your life is changed forever and your whole way of life as you once knew it has changed.

Keep on working toward your goals in spite of and no matter what. You are to be commended for what you have achieved and accomplished so far.

I personally think your home environment is not healthy for you. I hope you can come up with a plan to move out of their home as soon as possible.

It is your sanity and your life being impacted right now and that is a number one priority. I wish you the best and I think you are doing the best you can at the moment. Do not be hard on yourself. Be kind to you, and take good care of you. A lot of self care for your stability while in your parents home.

Be proud of yourself for confronting your parents. I am so proud of you.

I am very sad that you are now being flooded with such bad memories. I wish you the best.

 

[GWhizz]

I agree with @gizmo. Moving home seemed to trigger your PTSD and it is really difficult to try to overcome the flashbacks etc when a) your home environment and history it brings is a constant reminder and trigger b) your parents are not able to validate or understand your PTSD.

I agree that if you really want to pursue your medical career, you could try bearing with it short term for this month alone until you sit and hopefully pass your entrance exam. But long term you need to prioritise your overall health and wellbeing over your career. I have a friend who sacrificed everything to become a doctor. She's literally spent the last 15years studying mad in a shitty environment to get to where she is. And she is barely fit to do her job. Her job is her life to her and her only motivation yet she now resents it so badly.

A career is important, but you're number one. If being a doctor is really important to you, by all means pursue that dream. But remember you need to be healthy in yourself before you can help anyone else.

I really hope you can find away of dealing with the PTSD and getting through therapy 1st and foremost. Maybe your therapist can offer some resourceful advice?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi!
Tagging @Ed Norton because he has the same goal of going to med school, so maybe he'll wander in here and be able to give you some helpful advice?

Welcome to the forum!

 

[swordsmen]

Thanks everyone. I apologize if my post may sound more of a rant. Im glad for any feedback people can provide me and I promise to do the same as being a member of this community. I'm definitely open to making new friends here because we all have a unique perspective at understanding the hardships experienced by people diagnosed with PTSD. I'm thrilled to be part of this forum :)

@jmni Thanks for your reply. You're idea sounds really amazing but then again I don't have much time left to prepare and to move away requires alot fo preparation and commitment. Right now I'm fixated on this test.

@gizmo Thank you for your encouraging words. You certainly are right about my life being changed forever. My aunt who also has PTSD said the same thing to me. I would be happy to move away but the move alone has its own set of challenges which Im not prepare to confront. Right now the only thing on my mind is my exam. I do take care of myself by going to gym every other day. My only gateway is to do good on the exam...pass...apply....hopefully get in somewhere and eventually move away.

@GWhizz You're very spot on on the reasons why I feel the way I do. Those two reasons definitely highlight my feelings on the daily I find. I hope that one day when I get to finish my exam with flying colors I would respect myself alot more. Therapy has been helping me put things into perspective and even provided some insight into positive thinking. It is working but very slowly.

I have all the things I need. LIke expensive gadgets and electronics. Going to the gym to take care of myself. A car. A part-time job. My bachelors in sciences. Many people would think I'm fine from the outside. I do have a bit of social anxiety too but only when it comes to talking to my parents, relatives or people from my own minority group since all they do is compare and talk behind your back. Moving away would definitely make me not put up with some of these people and hopefully my bad memories.

 

[jmni]

@swordsmen When I suggested it I was sort of thinking of a small vacation rental that was not too far away so the trip wouldn't be too long. Somewhere with all of the amenities you would need, etc in a place of calm where you would be able to focus on the test for a month. The idea being that you could pay the rent up front for the month (not a permanent move where you would actually need to take furniture), forget your parents for a month in new surroundings, and focus on your exam. Sometimes I see pretty good deals on craigslist that are available for only one month. But you are right, moving can come with its own set of problems. For instance you could leave your crazy-making parents and find that you have crazy-making neighbors. But then again you can also find somewhere nice and normal. The idea was sort of that you are in a place where it would be better for you to leave than stay, and you want to move on and focus on your needs. I thought maybe it would be a temporary solution that fulfilled your needs. I imagined if I were you it would feel sort of fulfilling to just leave their home and those problems. and find a place that fulfilled your immediate needs.

In the end your past will always be your past and can never change. You will never win with your parents and it will take you a long time before you can approach any real resolution if that is possible. If you are staying there, then I suggest letting go of your issues with them at least for now, avoiding any kind of argument or asking for answers.

 

[Stuck20]

Although I understand the restrictions you have in your resources, you need to find a safe environment to live in. Don't let the people who have hurt you take away anything else from your life, especially your dreams. I am a physician and know first-hand the reality of becoming a physician while living with PTSD. There is a lot of pressure and competition which will trigger your anxiety. It will be hard to concentrate when you need to concentrate most. You have to remember that you survived childhood and you have successes in life. You've finished college and are on a path to medical school. You can keep having successes but you need to take care of yourself. Your family will probably drag you down whether you are at home or not. Don't give them the access to you to keep bringing you down.

 

[greenleaf]

I wonder if there is some intermediate path that could get you toward the MD degree but allow you to have less stress while working on issues? I don't actually know if people like Physicians Assistants actually have less stress; however they seem to be able to work fewer hours but do most of the MD tasks for general things. Just a thought. I have no experience in the field. Maybe going from PA to MD is faster then with that degree if you want to do that later?

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hey you sound a little like me. Brief background: I was never abused that severely, but I did get abused once by a pediatric nurse. I had a big surgery, and then a run in with a bad neurologist whose forged prescription landed me in a psych ward with seizures I was accused of faking to get drugs. I pay for therapy out of pocket to avoid anyone blaming my real medical problems on psychology ever again. No PTSD diagnosis necessary that way.

I want to get a PhD in biomedical/biochemical engineering. This summer, I am modeling cancer chemotherapy at another university. I get triggered walking by the psych hospital on campus, and from the ambulances and helicopters. Because of this, I decided to do a bunch of therapy and work in industry for 3 years before grad school. It was enormously hard to study for the GRE and focus on classes, and hard to focus during a co-op. That place was across the street from a hospital with ambulances and helicopters too.

There is nothing wrong with putting off med school, getting some help, and going back when you feel very solid. Maybe you can move out, do some therapy, keep a small economic footprint, and go back to med school later? You might be more successful and happy, and be a better doctor, if you take care of this first. No shame in that. It would certainly disappointing and require patience, but maybe it could be worth the wait. Either that, or work out some new living relationships? Can you stay with a friend? Can you get some advice from a trusted professor?

Good luck! Message me privately if you want to talk about med/grad school worries.

 

[swordsmen]

I appreciate everyones responses here. Lately I haven't been having the best of my days. Every time there is some sort of an argument with my dad I just get thrown off big time for atleast an ensuing week. Majority of the time those arguments revolve around me confronting his mistakes or stupid behaviours. Acts that usually trigger my PTSD symptoms. I'm fu**ing tired of coming home only to give parenting lessons or to fix these problems when I really should be trying to fix myself or get to where I need to be. On top of that my parents have lost hope in me too. They keep telling me to pursue other careers as they think im not fit for this anymore. Talk about boosting my confidence right? All my friends around me are getting accepted....making good money and are in a stable transition while I'm just here the same as day one. I have family friends constantly judging me and relatives giving me ideas to go study offshore when I did everything throughout my undergrad to get accepted into US medical schools. I have a 3.7+ gpa and tons of research and volunteering experiences that are deemed useful by US medical schools that I've worked REALLY hard for. Off shore schools don't give a crap about achievements and my activities and its really hard to practice again in the U.S if you're an offshore graduate. The only thing IMHO is stopping me is my MCAT.

Im going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about these things but I'm not optimistic about anything fruitful coming out of those discussions.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Hey swordsmen, I'm sorry to hear that. My mom and I had a similar (less severe) discussion a couple hours ago and I feel the same way you do (less severely). I am really sorry. But please hear my practical suggestions, of how to get where you want to go.

You will get there someday! I heard from our career advisor at my undergrad school, that lots of people take a year off before med school. Temporary positions at medical and biological research institutions, like the Broad Institute, are becoming popular. Or you could try for a temp job in the medical field, even if its something boring like medical records. With your GPA and research experience, you should be able to get a temp job relevant to your plans, and still go to med school in the near future. Please try to think creatively and figure out an alternate path that still gets you where you want to be in the end.

One thing for sure, is you probably need to remove yourself from that family environment as much as possible. You cannot make your parents change. You CAN change yourself, and improve the situation in the practical matters under your control. I suggest that you study for your exams at a coffee shop or library for several hours a day. The change of scenery and peaceful time away from your family might help. At least, it helps for me.

Please don't feel defeated! Try to view it this patiently but determinedly as a challenge to be overcome. You cannot fairly compare yourself to your peers, because you have extra difficulties that do not apply to them. I understand the feeling of being left behind, or being deprived of something you worked hard for. But this will only be a delay. You can delay your dreams without completely abandoning them.

And I know it sucks for me, and it must suck even more for you, but I'm trying to root for you here and pull you out of the valley. I know this is must be so hard. Please stick to your guns.