Going Dark - Just Let Myself Be Swept Away.

[MT Johnny]

I feel so drained and "over" - like it is too late and I just need to stop fighting it and allow this thing to sweep me away and get it over with.

I feel like just allowing it all to end step by step. I like this term:

Going Dark - definition:

Slang term in the intelligence world which means you go silent. You don't speak or communicate with anyone for a given period on time. It is a way of protecting yourself from someone who would do you harm.

I am so close to doing that - literally in the sense I barely scrape together enough each month to keep up with my basic bills - and I'm one bill away from being without phone and Internet. One tank of gas away from being stranded. One installment on my car insurance away from being unable to drive. Unable to drive means lose my job because it is far too long of a commute to walk it or bike it, and this city is about dead last in public transportation of all of the major urban areas in the US.

You get the picture. Go dark as the dominoes fall.

I know I am in a really deep depression. I have stopped doing the things I actually "did right" over the past couple of years such as working out, watching my diet, not drinking Cokr and Mt Dew, socializing with people.

Instead, as of 04/01 my gym membership lapsed because I didn't pay it - and it has gotten to the point it was that or pay something else. I am binge eating on high calorie junk food. - chips, sweets, fried foods, pizza. And drinking HFCS laden soda all day. Gaining weight like crazy.

I either blow people off with short non-answers or just don't respond at all. I've had a number of people ask me directly if I am mad at them, a few ask other people that question about me, "is he mad at me?" And gotten a couple of "are you ok?" emails. No, I am not ok, but I haven't responded back.

I was in training to do a triathlon - not only can't I go to the gym, the thought of just going out for a run or a bike ride on my own, which costs nothing, fills me with a sense almost of dread - I am very afraid of leaving my house unless I need to, which is part of it, but it also is something more, like grief or mourning for what that all meant to me, which was everything.

And I quit taking Prozac cold turkey probably 6 weeks ago. WTF, why not? It was just prolonging the whole thing by keeping my despair at 6 or 7 instead of 9 or 9 1/2 out of 10.

It's like the path of least resistance - slow motion suicide.

 

[shimmerz]

And I quit taking Prozac cold turkey probably 6 weeks ago.

Johnny, did you do this with the awareness that this is the road you wanted to travel? Quitting Prozac so quickly would potentially lead to this spiral. May be the cause of it. I am concerned that this is not choice but instead induced by your quitting it so quickly. Is that possible?

 

[Neverthesame]

This might sound rather stupid, but what the f*ck why not? You obviously are fully aware of what your doing to yourself, so I'll spare you the medical bullshit.

Yup, I would say depression is probably a thing, so I'll spare you the psychological bullshit.

Finally, quitting meds cold turkey yadda, yadda, pharmacology bull... You get the idea.

Just so I know, HFCS stands for High Fructose Corn Syrup?

Finally, have any buckets and a stick? Running water? Stairs? Big backpack ie, gunny sack, burgan, and some books, or anything other heavy objects to put into said backpack? You don't need a gym to train. Though I don't think thats really whats bothering you. Do you feel someone is out to do you harm?

 

[MT Johnny]

@shimmerz - I was already far down this road when I stopped it - that was about late Feb - I started having major major panic and anxiety and depression in mid January after a tremendous trigger threw me off into a major slump.

Someone posted a thread about losing everything - that is how I feel.

 

[MT Johnny]

@Neverthesame - when you put it that way I sound stupid and like a whiny little brat.

I guess I am tired of fighting against the current to get upstream.

 

[shimmerz]

Someone posted a thread about losing everything - that is how I feel.

That may well have been me Johnny. Yes. I understand. So going off the pills was an extension of this, not the cause.

 

[Neverthesame]

Making you sound stupid and whiny is the last thing I wanted to do. Honestly. I apologize for the miscommunication. Actually, it was the exact opposite thing I was going for.

I am just trying to understand what has made you feel like this? If there is any thing I can maybe help brainstorm, anything, give you something to think about other than misery?

 

[desiderata310]

@MT Johnny
One triathlete to another, dude. Don't do this.
I'm clawing out of that exact same shitty slump.
Do me a favor, please? Would you? Do four kind things for your today. or if not for you, do it for me, please. (seriously, I need this too)
Never mind the rest of it, yes, I live hand to mouth too. One paycheck away from devistation. It really will be ok.

1. Eat health today. Just all day today, make a conscious decision that what you put in your mounth is actually beneficial. Nothing fancy. Go basic.
2. Take your medication. Yes. I know I hate it and it's shitty but so is PTSD. So is getting run over by this shit. So is letting it win. You're a triathete by extention that means that you are one of those specal people who get a great deal of joy out of doing things that make other people cock their heads to the side and and stare in wonder. USE THAT. Dig deep.
3. Call your therapist/psychologist/Psychatrist/GP and go see them TODAY. This actually qualifies as an emergency. (this from the chick who has trouble recognizing those in her own life)
4. If you've got a trainer, put your bike on it, just for 5 minutes. if not, just SIT on your bike. Put your hands on the handlebars. Remember what it feels like. It's the best damn feeling in the world. I lost a lot of fitness in the last 4 months but I got back on it this weekend. It was pitifully slow and fantastic to be back out there.

Keep moving forward. Seriouly, you are not going to DNF this one. Keep going. ONe foot in front of the other.

Tell me what race you want to do.
I'm hoping that (assuming I don't spend a month in the hospital this year) to do Santa Cruz 70.3. We can "train" together.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You do sound like a whiny brat to be honest (based on your posts). You want to heal NOW and you want to heal YOUR WAY. And now that you can't, you just want to throw a fit and give up. Unfortunately that's not how ptsd works. Until you accept that healing takes time and that it is on ptsd's terms, not yours, healing is going to be slow or non existent.

Radical acceptance is a great thing.

 

[desiderata310]

OK.. so KINDA mean but KINDA fair. @Solara
For me it's a matter of finding my fight again and figuring out that I I kinda don't care that if feels like everything is going to shit.
IE it's ok to feel like shit today as long as I keep pushing through it. It's a weird kind of 'don't give a shit' giving of a shit... if that makes any sense.
I've NOT been dealing well. I've not been dealing well with not dealing well (if you get my meaning) I quit caring that I wasn't dealing well and it knocked a bit out of the stress cup. I need to cry today? Fine. I'm not going to feel bad about it. I'm just going to do it and then pick myself up and keep moving.

The key is to keep moving... Gotta remember that... someone remind me next time I hit the wall, please?

 

[Go Hungry]

I did that once. Went dark. But I survived and it really wasn't worth it. Sorry man, but this is depression that is doing this. Not the kind you can think you're way out of (don't we all know about that?) But the sort that takes help from outside. Go see a doctor now, if you can't stand your medicine then ask for a change.

This is a hell of a disease we've got, and the symptoms will eat you alive if you let them. What you need to do is precisely the opposite of what you're stating here. Like, exactly the opposite. The sort of thing that you're describing is only a recipe for disaster, and you will be in -far worse- shape if you 'go dark' than you are now, honestly. Like I said, not worth it for the pleasure of sliding into oblivion.

And I get it, I really do. I was doing everything I possibly could to deny my symptoms, but they came for me anyways.

 

[joeylittle]

It's like the path of least resistance - slow motion suicide.

Actually, if you think about it, it's not the path of least resistance - because it is so, so much more painful to take away all the coping mechanisms and just suffer more and more, day in and day out. I say this as a person who knows depression.

The last thing your brain wants to do right now is help out. But you need to push back and slowly get the ball moving forward again. Honestly, you are probably experiencing a great deal of this because of the med discontinuation - even though meds don't help 100%, they can (often) be doing more than we are aware of until we stop them. I'm not saying you need to get back on, but it might bring you some relief and let you push forward through this current wall.