Going Dark - Just Let Myself Be Swept Away.

[WillyKat]

I have been there many times. As have others on this forum, many, many others. I remember telling my shrink once that I felt like just throwing myself away, like junk. I just wanted to let them win because I had no more fight left in me.

The last time I felt this way I completely melted down. I found myself laying on a footpath at night crying like a baby in the cold. The trees around me seemed to form a kind of grim reaper convention. They seemed to want me after which there would be absolutely nothing.

The next day, I had no where to go but up. I knew I wasn't done yet. Unfinished business.

 

[MT Johnny]

First, @Neverthesame, I want to publically apologize to you, and explain my remark - When I typed that about sounding stupid and whiny, I thought I put a googly-faced, tounge-out emoticon after it - it was meant as self-deprecating humor, tongue in cheek, NOT in any way as mean. The lack of that single emoticon makes all the difference - and I am SO SORRY I made you feel bad.

@Solara - this is an honest question - I know you aren't my biggest fan, I'm OK with that, but I know you mean well - so, what am I doing wrong. I know my first T pushed the concept of radical acceptance, but I have such a struggle to accept all of what happened, because it seems like perfect validation of every bad thing my father ever said about me, and then it takes that "bigger" and extrapolates it to society as a whole through the stigma of mental illness, and takes it inward on yet another level to intense self-stigma. But I do get the concept, and I have been trying to accept that, even if I'm crazy crazy crazy I'm still a good guy and still real-world functional as long as I'm not mired in depression, and that in the real world, although the wounded part of me of course can't take the smallest compliment, which is just classic CPTSD and a lot of other MH issues as well.

@desiderata310 - thank you, that does help. Today was better than yesterday. I know, my path is totally F'ed up right now - and honestly, when others here, like @Neverthesame and @Solara point it out, they are right and that taps into the part of me that is both a survivor and much more intellectually based and much less emotionally based. I did eat "clean" today, and tonight it's going to rain here - and I LOVE riding in the rain, even a cold pouring rain - I just put on my Frog Toggs right over my riding clothes - it will be Mt. Bike weather though, I'm not taking my road bike with slicks out on that slippery pavement. I'll ride if I have time - right now I'm still at work finishing up for the day, then I have some errands and chores - at the very least, I have a little bike maintenance to do, I gotta take off my studded winter tires on my Mt Bike and swap them out for regular tread. At the very least I will get that done tonight even if it is too late to ride.

 

[Neverthesame]

No worries. I have learned to acquire a taste for shoe leather. :p Good to hear your feeling a bit better.

But yeah, slicks in the rain is a good way to get road rash. lol

 

[MT Johnny]

Hey, @desiderata310:


I wanted to PM you, but your inbox is full and not accepting messages. Thanks.

 

[desiderata310]

MTJohnny... it can accept messages now