@NotAllWoundsRVisible
Glad my post was of some use. Wish I had some words of wisdom that would make it all seem better. Can't say I do, though, really--except to say I understand, and actually think you may be correct, re it being better off for them to have some time without you, at least temporarily, at the moment.
For example, you mentioned being on multiple meds that could result in effects similarl to those responsible for your behavior which resulted in your restraining order, originally (if I'm understanding your court order of "no contact" with your wife).
They say "we always hurt the ones we love"...Why?..Because Hurt People hurt people, that's why....and the only people we can hurt are those who love us. Who else would register the pain, but them, after all? I, for one, can both sympathize and identify with having mounds of pent up pain/anger/frustration/agitation, etc., after storing it up for a long period in order to function...repression, etc. And then finally having it all come out in ways completely beyond your control.
I think the important thing is, as Badger suggested, to not beat yourself up, ie, to take of yourself, by not doing so (one of the ways we need to "practice self-care"). You're no good to anyone, much less yourself, when you're "beaten up on"...and what I've found, is that it's self-perpetuating...in other words, when you think of yourself as a bad person, that's the way you continue to act. It's not a conscious decision...but rather a matter of how you unconsciously "self-identify"...it's been proven that those who feel like good people act that way...and the converse, as well, therefore.
You're not a bad person, you're a sick, and injured person. There's a big difference. And if noone else seems to understand, there are those of us, here, who do.
You asked if I spoke from experience (or words to that effect)...not exactly the identical experience...but I've been around, you could say. And I've seen it and heard about it first-hand, time and again, from those with "trauma-backgrounds".
Your personal situation sounds dire, at this point (homeless shelters, sleeping outside, etc.). In my opinion, it's not possible to offer much to anyone before we reach a place of some stability, safety, and self-respect. In other words, I think at least temporarily postponing attempts to reunite with you ex are likely well-advised, until you recover your own stability. "First things first", after all.
But that's not to say that it's necessarily permanent. I've seen reconciliations come out of far worse, after far longer periods. So don't despair. And I even think that putting the situation out of your mind for the time being is advisable, as well...the better to focus on yourself, and not be overburdened with guilt and shame that you can't do anything about in the immediate future. Again, just my opinion, but an "educated" one.
By the way, I'd save those daily notes to your ex, if I were you. They might go a very long way towards proving just how sincerely contrite you are, to her, in the future...if not in reconciliation, then at least in making amends to her for the episode(s)...something I think you'll find necessary at some point for your own continued recovery, and "freedom from the past".
Hope you'll continue to post here for support, and feel free to PM me for any reason whatsoever.
Keep your chin up. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and "let yourself off the hook" to some extent, for being sick, not bad--it does get better.
Best wishes
