Relationship Going For A Timeout

[Dallas]

Stumbling block. Things were going too good to be true. We were talking about him moving in with me…separate bedrooms…and evaluating things in a few months to decide if marriage was in the cards. Had a beautiful weekend together. He brought his mother’s diamond ring for me to keep at my house for when we were ready.

I went to church Sunday morning and asked him if he wanted to join me. He said no, he wasn’t ready (emotionally, physically, spiritually) to go to church with me yet. Before I left for church, he wanted football game scores etc, so I turned on my computer for him and left him to it.

Fantastic, perfect weekend. I came home from dropping him off after the weekend. Went to computer, and saw he visited dating sites while I had been at church. Called him to find out. He was adamant they were old profiles connected to his email and he was “just curious”…(complicated computer/dating site software discussion entailed). He was profusely sorry/reticent/ actually made sense about some things. I told him I believed him (I did).

Today feeling numb, hurt, paralyzed. I called him and told him if he was “just curious” than something in our relationship is not satisfying him. I told him he should feel free to look around/date others for the next month or however long he needs. He has to be sure of “us” and if he needs to see if there is something better around the corner, then so be it. He has to get it out of his system. But, I added, I will also be curious and start looking around too. I told him I will put the ring in a safe deposit box at my bank and give it to him anytime he calls me to make arrangements to return it to him. (I don’t want to be responsible for losing it etc if it is at my house.)

I am thinking he needs to be sure about us, and by giving him the freedom to do that it is a win/win situation for both of us. If he is not sure about me, I don’t want him to marry me. If he is sure about us, then he will come back. Also, if he is “just curious” about other women’s profiles, don’t I have the right to be “just curious” about other men?

Just because he has PTSD doesn’t mean he has a free pass to engage in immoral/dishonest behavior. I don't want to be somebody's "Plan B" while he looks for something/someone he likes better.

I am asking for support/advice/insight in this matter.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

If you believed him, why are you alienating him? If he explained things and you do honestly believe what he said, how was the behaviour immoral or dishonest? I don't really see how this relates to PTSD either. This strikes me as very normal male behaviour. Perhaps I'm missing something?

 

[Dallas]

I did believe him (that he was sorry, and didn't mean to hurt me), but felt my boundaries have been violated.

I feel spiritually traumatized and violated.

I don't feel it was right for him to check out dating sites when he basically had just given me a diamond ring less than 12 hours before.

I need time to heal and process. I need time to figure out if he really loves me.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

I don't think his behavior has anything to do with PTSD either. I think that is just where he is spiritually/emotionally...which sets off a red flag for me.

My gut is churning, I feel like I'm about to have diarrhea all day and I've been shaking all day, and not able to concentrate. Red flag? Maybe.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

I can understand the concern, but it's not as though he went out with someone else. He logged on on your computer so it doesn't seem he was trying to hide the activity from you. I don't honestly see a red flag from him. This man just gave you a ring. Closing up shop and taking one last look at the things that are being left behind is really very normal male behaviour.

Perhaps you're a bit unsure of where you stand with all of this. I've been "with" the man who still calls me his gf for about six months now and I'm definitely thinking this whole PTSD business may be far more than I am capable of dealing with. I realize you are probably far more devoted than I, but if you're this rattled by what seems to be such a small infraction, what will you do when he takes off for a week or two or three? Are you genuinely ready for all the challenges PTSD presents for a supporter? Is it at all possible your reaction may be grounded in some larger concern about the future?

 

[Dallas]

ummm, yeah, monicaelise. He has disappeared for a week, two weeks, three weeks, four weeks. I have suffered episodes with him in the hospital for detox and other horrors. He is a combat veteran from Desert Storm suffering from PTSD. so yeah, monicaelise. I have been through the ringer. I do have what it takes to be a PTSD supporter. thanks for asking.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

Oh I hear ya. The retired Marine I'm involved with did four tours of duty (as a rifleman) to Iraq and was ultimately medically retired as a result of a career-ending injury ...and PTSD... so I can fully understand where you're at when it comes to that stuff, but now that you're concerned about this issue, how will you handle those future disappearances? I guess my real question is how will you keep yourself together when he does withdraw in the future, if knowing that he has access to other females (that he clearly isn't trying to involve himself with now) affects you this deeply now? I'm not questioning whether you have the ability to handle the things behind you, just whether your reaction to this very minor infraction is rooted in a larger concern about how to handle future "breaks".

I apologize if I've ruffled your feathers a bit. I guess I'm just trying to work out whether I want to bother with my own situation and reading about all of things that carers deal with makes me question my own loyalty/devotion/interest even more.

 

[Bilby]

I'm not quite sure what to say about this to be honest - part of me would be wondering why on earth my partner would do such a thing, but if it had been discussed and you believed what he had to tell you, then it possibly should have ended there?

It is absolutely your call as to what your boundaries are and you have the right to feel the way you do if you feel that the boundaries have been crossed - I'm just wondering if you're trying to test him a bit further to see what happens, by 'taking a break' for a little while? It would appear he wasn't trying to be sneaky if he did this on your computer?

It sounds as though you have both been managing together as far as handling PTSD is concerned - well done. I'm quite sure that what has happened also has nothing to do with PTSD.

How did he respond to what you had to say?

 

[Dallas]

@ Bilby: I haven't heard from him since I told him I needed a break.

Our first conversation (yesterday) about the dating site was very emotional. I was hurt and crying and and he said he was very sorry. I told him I believed him. Today he called to tell me he still needs time to think about what he wants to do about moving in to my place (which was his idea originally). I was ok with that, because honestly, after seeing the dating sites, I am unsure I want him to move in with me and start moving toward marriage.

I became more nervous and sick as the day went on. I felt like I needed a break to sort out my feelings and heal and recover. I called him but he didn't answer so I left a message that I thought it would be good to take a break for a while and we could make arrangements to get his ring back. He didn't answer so I left a message. I haven't heard from him.

@monicaelise: Yes, now my head is spinning with wondering what he was doing each time he disappeared. I trusted him and had had faith in him. Now the trust is gone. I hope we can work together for it to come back.

I just need a break to heal and sort my feelings out. I can't see him or be with him right now because I am too hurt. I think it will be good for both of us. This way he can still check out his other options on the dating sites as well. This way there is no pressure on either of us. I need to recover.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

ps Thank you both for your input. It was helpful in getting my thoughts clarified on this. Dallas.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Just my two cents but I think taking a break is a good idea. If he was serious about his commitment to you, then he would not have done that. I think he needs time to really think about what he wants with you and how important the relationship is to him.

If it hurt you then you are normal for what happened to you. Mabe he was being stupid. But it is a red flag to me and I think you need to take good care of you. Big hugs.

 

[p-no]

This strikes me as very normal male behaviour. Perhaps I'm missing something?

I do not think this is "normal male behaviour". If you're in a relationship you are in a relationship. If you are in a relationship and you really love the other person, you will not want to look at any profiles etc.