Relationship Gone from bad to worse: has anyone healed from an affair after isolation?

[ClarySage]

Currently devastated by learning less than a week ago that my H had a relatively brief (several months' duration) sexual affair, after he's been isolating himself sexually for many years and physically for 2 years by sleeping alone at the other end of the house after a breakdown 2 1/2 years ago. He's a Complex PTSD sufferer, and I have trauma from my own childhood, so we have a lot going on ... but we've each been in individual therapy for over 2 years, as well as marriage counseling. Everything I/we are reading about infidelity and healing seems to be about "normal" marriages, not marriages where one person has these sorts of debilitating issues. After so many years of being patient and compassionate and frustrated and learning everything I can about PTSD, and feeling so terribly deprived of affection and intimacy, it is tearing me up that he gave to another woman what should have been given to me, what he knows I've been longing for. He is filled with shame, regret, apologizes all the time, and we are talking, talking, talking ... but still he is physically distant, other than the brotherly hugs he's been giving me all along. We know it is too early to make the stay-or-go decision, especially since we've invested 26 years in this marriage; but has anyone out there been through anything like this and found a way to rebuild the marriage in a mutually satisfying way? For me, after this deep betrayal, I will not be able to continue unless we can find our way back to physical intimacy; he agrees, but says it in a way that sounds tentative. Frankly, we don't even know how to begin, and no doubt our marriage counselor can help with that, and it's probably too soon anyway ... but has anyone experienced anything like this, and worked their way through to a mutually satisfying and intimate relationship? I am desperately in need of some hope ... or else, perhaps, talk to me about the reality that you know if you experienced something like this and weren't able to make it work. Thank you all ...

 

[Lucycat]

This might seem weird on that I’m the sufferer with CPTSD and I’m the one that had an affair. But it is now more than 20 years ago. Hubby knows. We both still struggle if the conversation comes up, but on a day to day basis this is ancient history and we have moved on. It will be our 34th Anniversary this year- every one of those had been hard fought. But I still love him to bits and we are still together.

 

[grimalkin]

Full disclosure: My sufferer and I are separated, have been for 2 years (!!! where did the time go), and still not any closer to divorcing OR getting back together.

When we were together, we had a dead bedroom for....I think it had been 3 years since we'd had any sort of sexual contact at that point. We kissed, we hugged, but he always seemed uncomfortable doing so. We'd slept in the same bed throughout, but he'd often avoid going to bed at the same time as me, so he could avoid any expectation or hope of intimacy (this is what he told me during our counseling, but he was, at that point, trying to say hurtful things).

I tried being ok with no sex, after he said "is sex that important to our relationship? Are you willing to end it because we aren't having sex? How shallow." Yeah. I realized pretty quickly that, yes, sex is that important to me.

Anyway, on to your question: He never physically cheated. He would have sexual, role-playing type relationships with people online, quite frequently. At one point, I would have settled for that from him, but he wasn't willing to be even virtually sexual. With me. With other people? Yes. Not me. I would generally find out about them accidentally, and it hurt. Not because he was doing it, but because he wouldn't with me. I'm not a jealous person (and normally, I'm not even monogamous. He and I were monogamous at his request). But wanting and asking for what he was willing to do with others and being flat out told no, it just hurt.

For the virtual - I don't know if they would even be a "emotional" affairs...lol. I didn't even really think of it as cheating, so yes, I forgive him for that. It's the complete lack of willingness to work on OUR relationship that I've struggled with. THAT is the part I have a hard time getting past.

Now, he's told other people he wants me back (he hasn't talked to me yet about this lol). I think he realizes that a dead bedroom is a non-starter for me, and so we've had some...odd...conversations recently. He's hinted he might be asexual, might be interested in guys, might want only a M/s (Master/slave) sexual relationship - all things that would make us sexually incompatible.

IF we were to get back together, intimacy would have to be on the table, and he'd have to show that he was actively, consciously working on getting it back into our relationship. I apologize this doesn't really answer your question. I've heard that affairs like that (ie, he's isolated, dead bedroom, but with someone else can be intimate), can be, by and large, because it's so much easier to be able to relax enough with someone else who doesn't have any other expectations - good relationship stress is still stress, and being with someone new is exciting, and not as stressful because the expectations and stress of day to day life just isn't there. Does that make it ok? Nope. And it certainly doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

[ClarySage]

Thank you both for your replies. Lucycat, that's encouraging that you and your spouse found a way to get past it. And grimalkin, yes, I agree that intimacy has to be on the table (but wouldn't that be uncomfortable? ;-) if we are to stay together ... and yes, what hurts is that he was willing and able to get involved with someone else but not with me. I understand that it's easier with someone new and all that, but still; there will have to be a real effort made. I know ultimatums don't work, I know it's up to him and I can't make him do anything, but it feels as if we've been down so long that it's hard to see a way up. So much pain.

 

[Gemini83]

Due to the military my husband and I have been living in separate states for a few years. He was isolating a year ago and he ended up having an affair. It was very short lived. At that time we had been married for almost 14 years. The months that followed were awful. In all the years we’ve been together, the deployments, separation, special needs child, loss of a parent, overseas moves we’ve hardly ever fought. There was never any name calling. We always just clicked. Suddenly all I ever got were awful text messages from him being nasty, and hurtful. Most of the time he had been drinking when he would send them.
It has been a very rough year. The last few months things seem to be ok. We are going to be apart for a while longer as he has orders overseas. I know how terrible he feels, that was completely out of character for him. He told me he was toxic and he was going to take everyone down with him and he knew I wouldn’t leave him so he committed an unforgivable act. Anger and guilt are what’s been tearing him up since.
It did get way worse before it got better. I was barely functioning. I lost 40 pounds in 3 months. I lost my 4.0 that I had maintained for over a year and I wasn’t sleeping. Any conversation between us turned into a fight because we were both live wires. I can’t even tell you what the turning point was.
Sorry, this long. I just reread what you wrote. Our intimate relationship is sparse because we aren’t living together right now but over the last year when w have been together it has been better than it has been in recent years. Example; instead of sitting on the other end of the couch he tries to cuddle with me or when driving he reaches over and holds my hand. I should probably add that the first day or two together are usually really rough because he will start a fight before a visit. It’s usually towards the end of the visit that he starts trying because he knows that’s what I’ve been missing.

 

[Monica1974]

I really appreciate reading these posts. While not exactly the same as my situation, the distress, deception, abnormal thinking, and roller coaster rides are so similar to my life.

My DH has likely had PTSD in a mild form for years, due to his work, but it got very bad 3 years ago.

He shut me out for a year. I felt so alone and rejected, and became a frozen ghost. He had always been somewhat critical, blaming, and intense, but this became way, way worse. I felt like a doormat, and so confused all the time. The things he thinks, and the way he thinks about those things became so strange. Can anyone relate to this? It's like I don't know my right from my left when I talk to him. When we are apart for a while I start to feel like a "normal person" again.

I've been so confused about the sexual behaviors he exhibits as well. There is no romance or foreplay, just the act (intense, lots of emphasis on climaxes and performance, done to relieve high anxiety, then followed by a short time of acting more relaxed. No saying "I love you" , instead the talk is centered around "I love this act".

Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your going through this. Sending a hug if you accept :hug:

 

[Monica1974]

I do love hugs!