What would you look for as good signs for a new therapist?As in - you walk in, and X happens, or the T says Y or whatever? I've been to several family counselors - but never a one-on-one therapist relationship, so I don't know what to look for at all. I did have an online therapist, but she basically just said 'You're doing great' 100 times. lol.
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Good Signs With New Therapist
- Post starter TTC18
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Chris-duck
VIP Member
I kinda just go with my gut. I need someone I like but that also calls me on my bullshit. I think it's different for everyone. What traits have you liked in your family therapists?
- Post starter
- #3
None of them, lol. 1 family therapist was very nice - but essentially caused me to be kicked out of the house (I was in high school) by taking my side with my mom. Another was very nice - but kept falling asleep during our sessions. Another was very nice but kept telling me what to do, and how my current plans were wrong or else my inability to make a choice was wrong, etc over my requests for space to make a decision as best I could. Another was very nice - but pooh-poohed every concern I had. LOL.
Chris-duck
VIP Member
I guess at least now you know what you don't want, heh. I think (assuming they're qualified in trauma shit to start with) a lot of things just come down to who you're comfy with. As long as they are able to deal with trauma and you feel like you can potentially work with them that's all you need.
But maybe people more experienced have better ideas?
But maybe people more experienced have better ideas?
piratelady
VIP Member
For me, aside from qualifications, it was just their personality. Someone who seems to genuinely care, empathetic. Because of my trauma, I can’t have anyone too... aggressive might be the right word.
Like, mine is calm, caring, let’s me talk, but still guides the conversation somewhat. But he also calls me on some things. Like he won’t let me call myself broken without challenging it. It’s just how he does it that matters for me.
I’m not entirely sure I’m explaining it right, I hope it makes at least a little sense.
Also, they shouldn’t fall asleep in therapy. Mine also remembers a lot of what I say, without having his face glued to a computer the whole time reading prior notes.
Like, mine is calm, caring, let’s me talk, but still guides the conversation somewhat. But he also calls me on some things. Like he won’t let me call myself broken without challenging it. It’s just how he does it that matters for me.
I’m not entirely sure I’m explaining it right, I hope it makes at least a little sense.
Also, they shouldn’t fall asleep in therapy. Mine also remembers a lot of what I say, without having his face glued to a computer the whole time reading prior notes.
FauxLiz
Diamond Member
I am with @piratelady it is a large part personality. The therapist I recently ended with was kind, straight forward but not blunt. He would call me on my shit but did in a way that didn't feel accusatory or judgmental. He was patient and understanding that with my trauma history trust is way more than just a word it is something that is earned.
By contrast the new therapist that I have been meeting with says that he understands that I have trust issues but it feels as though he expects me to just spill my guts. He is much more blunt and policy/procedures oriented. Though the new therapist was recommended by previous therapist as someone he thought I could work with I am just not feeling it.
@tryingtocope18 something that I think it is important to consider is your gut instinct. We all have it and often times as a result of trauma we don't listen to it but this is a situation where it is important to pay attention to it and your ability to feel comfortable as this will be one of the most intense relationships that you have in your life.
By contrast the new therapist that I have been meeting with says that he understands that I have trust issues but it feels as though he expects me to just spill my guts. He is much more blunt and policy/procedures oriented. Though the new therapist was recommended by previous therapist as someone he thought I could work with I am just not feeling it.
@tryingtocope18 something that I think it is important to consider is your gut instinct. We all have it and often times as a result of trauma we don't listen to it but this is a situation where it is important to pay attention to it and your ability to feel comfortable as this will be one of the most intense relationships that you have in your life.
Friday
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1. Qualifications / Education / Experience
2. Personality
2. Personality
MyWillow
Platinum Member
In my limited experience, attention to SAFETY is everything. In and out of session. Trust takes time. Empathy is important. But my psydoc teaching me how to slow down and be quite determined that I wouldn’t be re-traumatised by flashbacks or dissociation if she could possibly help it has really made all the difference.
Best of luck :) x
Best of luck :) x
Personally, I do not believe education or experience matters in terms of personal relationship. After all therapy is a relationship. For me to say what will work is like saying next time you go on date, I can tell you which guy or girl you will marry for the longest time! No one can make such a prediction or may be they can...I have not reach that altitude yet.
No one can tell you what works with your chemistry, your personality, your unique situation and your global understanding of your issues. I will say go with your gut and logic intact as much as you can...considering our PTSD, that is a tall order. Have a space for a lot of unknown too. A LOT!
As for me, (since I can speak for me much easier), I have had the worst kind of therapy (a psychiatrist with 25 yrs of trauma experience) and I have had a therapist (second career and about 6 yrs experience - with diploma) and I can tell you the two main difference of ingredient:
empathy - human side that no school can teach
and willing to bend their training (particular modality) to fit with my emerging issues or state of mind (which allowed me to feel trust and safety) - for example using different styles or eclectic flexibility.
If I have to be blunt about the process of therapy at least for me, is that it is really a f...ing weird way of mimicking the whole separation process with the mother from day one to maybe about 4 years. If you are a mother (and I think you are), just imagine that and try to feel the amount of pressure you had with your child and the amount of need the child had for you and how you both managed to allow individualism to still come up intact while still related in a healthy way...
for me I was broken so early in life that I closed off and aimed to become so separate from my mother and never looked back. Getting close was like stepping on needles so you can imagine in therapy. I did not want to be enmeshed but I was motivated to do so and would always say, I have to let my subconscious guide me. I did get enmeshed unwillingly and did not fight it (or fought it but my hope was stronger). it is extremely painful. I felt I was going insane but I have a good, healthy and happy life and could afford to disintegrate in therapy in order to move forward. You know how many days I would instruct my therapist to ensure he calls my husband not 911 if I go wacky....that is how far I was willing to go. We spent a lot of times planning if I go to the other side,I want my husband no 911 and all the other stuff he must do in order not to exacerbate any possible (all in my head of course) of pscyhosis that never happened, of course. That is what happened to me when I was a baby but only my body knew and now I know!
Therapy is much more challenging if outside world is also in crisis. The process of therapy is crisis itself. Two crisis is what makes most people slow down and resist because it is truly the hardest thing to do when outside world is going hard and therapy is pushing inside hard. Who can survive that? Many but for many many years in order to slow down the process so they can digest in much easier and smaller doses.
I did not resist. I went in all in because I could count 100% on my support outside of therapy - a luxury most of us do not have it all the time. I am very sure others notice this too. I think most mental health workers do this too. Make sure one area of your life is going so well, so you have support and motivation to go all in.
My best advise to you is READ, AND EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT THE THERAPY PROCESS and psychology in general. Only when you have the information on hand, then you can understand there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not surgery. you too can learn what the therapist know...they are only trying to make you see information that is already inside of you.
What a person, whom you never met, has is no relevant to you today. Be there. Be willing. Be informed. Be curious.
I really hope tryingtocope18 you find the right therapist but you have to become the willing client and the motivated client and hope you are ready to accept both the dark and the light side that will come up with humility and grace because our family failed on training us and keeping us safe and now you have to redo and do it differently.
No one can tell you what works with your chemistry, your personality, your unique situation and your global understanding of your issues. I will say go with your gut and logic intact as much as you can...considering our PTSD, that is a tall order. Have a space for a lot of unknown too. A LOT!
As for me, (since I can speak for me much easier), I have had the worst kind of therapy (a psychiatrist with 25 yrs of trauma experience) and I have had a therapist (second career and about 6 yrs experience - with diploma) and I can tell you the two main difference of ingredient:
empathy - human side that no school can teach
and willing to bend their training (particular modality) to fit with my emerging issues or state of mind (which allowed me to feel trust and safety) - for example using different styles or eclectic flexibility.
If I have to be blunt about the process of therapy at least for me, is that it is really a f...ing weird way of mimicking the whole separation process with the mother from day one to maybe about 4 years. If you are a mother (and I think you are), just imagine that and try to feel the amount of pressure you had with your child and the amount of need the child had for you and how you both managed to allow individualism to still come up intact while still related in a healthy way...
for me I was broken so early in life that I closed off and aimed to become so separate from my mother and never looked back. Getting close was like stepping on needles so you can imagine in therapy. I did not want to be enmeshed but I was motivated to do so and would always say, I have to let my subconscious guide me. I did get enmeshed unwillingly and did not fight it (or fought it but my hope was stronger). it is extremely painful. I felt I was going insane but I have a good, healthy and happy life and could afford to disintegrate in therapy in order to move forward. You know how many days I would instruct my therapist to ensure he calls my husband not 911 if I go wacky....that is how far I was willing to go. We spent a lot of times planning if I go to the other side,I want my husband no 911 and all the other stuff he must do in order not to exacerbate any possible (all in my head of course) of pscyhosis that never happened, of course. That is what happened to me when I was a baby but only my body knew and now I know!
Therapy is much more challenging if outside world is also in crisis. The process of therapy is crisis itself. Two crisis is what makes most people slow down and resist because it is truly the hardest thing to do when outside world is going hard and therapy is pushing inside hard. Who can survive that? Many but for many many years in order to slow down the process so they can digest in much easier and smaller doses.
I did not resist. I went in all in because I could count 100% on my support outside of therapy - a luxury most of us do not have it all the time. I am very sure others notice this too. I think most mental health workers do this too. Make sure one area of your life is going so well, so you have support and motivation to go all in.
My best advise to you is READ, AND EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT THE THERAPY PROCESS and psychology in general. Only when you have the information on hand, then you can understand there is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not surgery. you too can learn what the therapist know...they are only trying to make you see information that is already inside of you.
What a person, whom you never met, has is no relevant to you today. Be there. Be willing. Be informed. Be curious.
I really hope tryingtocope18 you find the right therapist but you have to become the willing client and the motivated client and hope you are ready to accept both the dark and the light side that will come up with humility and grace because our family failed on training us and keeping us safe and now you have to redo and do it differently.
Last edited:
- Post starter
- #10
I could recommend two books that helped me in great deal.
They can be a bit scientific or sometimes too symbolic and I read them many times over. The first few times, they made no sense and were boring cause I had no idea what they were talking about...but the further I got in therapy, the more sense they made for me. You have to be ready to hear the message.
here are the names from my memory:
Kaplan - from Oneness to separation
Kahn - Therapy and Client relationship
They are written for therapists but If ind them applicable. With my issues, personally, I have had a lot of control and autonomy issues and needed to know what I needed to know...and these books made so much sense to me about why therapy? why not go a retreat in India and be quiet for a month? etc.
There are many other books but at the end of the day, you have to have hope, the basic feeling of need to heal and hopefully you can trust at some point.
Also keep track of your dreams. You may notice a pattern guiding you along your journey. I keep a book by my bedside and write them down asap as I get up before I forgot.
They can be a bit scientific or sometimes too symbolic and I read them many times over. The first few times, they made no sense and were boring cause I had no idea what they were talking about...but the further I got in therapy, the more sense they made for me. You have to be ready to hear the message.
here are the names from my memory:
Kaplan - from Oneness to separation
Kahn - Therapy and Client relationship
They are written for therapists but If ind them applicable. With my issues, personally, I have had a lot of control and autonomy issues and needed to know what I needed to know...and these books made so much sense to me about why therapy? why not go a retreat in India and be quiet for a month? etc.
There are many other books but at the end of the day, you have to have hope, the basic feeling of need to heal and hopefully you can trust at some point.
Also keep track of your dreams. You may notice a pattern guiding you along your journey. I keep a book by my bedside and write them down asap as I get up before I forgot.
D
Deleted member 47099
My two main criteria are 1) I want a T that is really smart (else my trauma journey is gonna be too complicated for them) and 2) I want a T with a good sense of humour (my trauma journey is too f*cked up and complicated - humour is an absolute must as a way of coping with it)
The last time I looked for a new T was 10 years ago, but what I found really hard about finding a new T is that it feels like an intensely vulnerable process to me. I feel I'm the powerless/ needy one in the relationship and I desperately want/ need their help. This doesn't make me a good judge/ doesn't make me picky enough. I put up with quite a few rubbish T's who were judgemental and crap, before I got to the point of saying "no" and trying to look for better ones.
With the therapists I've liked, there's been a pretty much instantaneous connection. I knew by the first/ second appointment that I liked them and was hopeful it would work out.
The last time I looked for a new T was 10 years ago, but what I found really hard about finding a new T is that it feels like an intensely vulnerable process to me. I feel I'm the powerless/ needy one in the relationship and I desperately want/ need their help. This doesn't make me a good judge/ doesn't make me picky enough. I put up with quite a few rubbish T's who were judgemental and crap, before I got to the point of saying "no" and trying to look for better ones.
With the therapists I've liked, there's been a pretty much instantaneous connection. I knew by the first/ second appointment that I liked them and was hopeful it would work out.
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