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Deleted member 19804
I hope I'm posting this in the right forum. If not, I apologise.
Today I had an EMDR session that went well and I wanted to share something important it taught me.
I'll give a short description of my PTSD-triggering trauma first:
About 3,5 years ago, I was raped by a guy when we were on a date at his place. Back then, I was in a very bad place both metally and physically, so after trying to push him off and get away a few times, I stopped fighting. I have been really struggling with shame and self-blaming ever since then.
I used to hate myself for not having fought back and the only thing that made it less bad was the knowledge that I was anorexic, so of course I couldn't put up much of a fight. So I was sort of comforting myself by saying my mental illness, which was a part of me, was part of the reason why I wasn't strong enough to fight him off. But now I see I shouldn't be searching the blame with myself; I should be looking at him!
I was not weak for having anorexia and being terrified when he raped me. No, he took advantage of the power he had over me. It's not about me not being strong enough, it's about him knowingly using my lack of strength to hurt me. What kind of a "man" does it take to overpower and rape an 18 year old anorexic girl?! That's right, it barely takes any effort on his part. What he did was wrong and I should no longer blame myself for his actions.
I feel really empowered by this realisation and a lot of self-hatred seems to be falling off my shoulders, for which I am very grateful.
Today I had an EMDR session that went well and I wanted to share something important it taught me.
I'll give a short description of my PTSD-triggering trauma first:
About 3,5 years ago, I was raped by a guy when we were on a date at his place. Back then, I was in a very bad place both metally and physically, so after trying to push him off and get away a few times, I stopped fighting. I have been really struggling with shame and self-blaming ever since then.
I used to hate myself for not having fought back and the only thing that made it less bad was the knowledge that I was anorexic, so of course I couldn't put up much of a fight. So I was sort of comforting myself by saying my mental illness, which was a part of me, was part of the reason why I wasn't strong enough to fight him off. But now I see I shouldn't be searching the blame with myself; I should be looking at him!
I was not weak for having anorexia and being terrified when he raped me. No, he took advantage of the power he had over me. It's not about me not being strong enough, it's about him knowingly using my lack of strength to hurt me. What kind of a "man" does it take to overpower and rape an 18 year old anorexic girl?! That's right, it barely takes any effort on his part. What he did was wrong and I should no longer blame myself for his actions.
I feel really empowered by this realisation and a lot of self-hatred seems to be falling off my shoulders, for which I am very grateful.
