Got Some Move In My Life

[GodSeeker]

Hi,

I think this is the place where to post.

I am back training martial arts (Choy Lee fut) after 4 years without any practice. I attended 2 clases already and today I helped in the gym carry some construction material. I must say that for the first time in 4 years I am feeling myself different, relaxed, not hypervigilant as I used to be, and without any anger or hate thoughts. Yesterday (Friday) we learned some combat techniques and I loved that because I had a lot of energy just ready to be released and yesterday I relased some. I think I would have continued all day and all night kicking and jumping. I was finally getting on move.

Off course "PTSD" popped in but for nothing in the world I would let nothing cause me to leave the gym. Whatever happens I will continue training unless they fire me out.

I already knew the instrutor as he was my teacher 6 years ago (I did Choy for 2 years" with him) but most of the old faces I knew disappeares (my instructor told me) some are still training and the most of the guys are new (to me, no to gym)

Today we were like 7 of us carrying upstairs bags of sand and cement and "briques" and I was not so much out of shape after all.

So finally some good things are happening in my life and it feel good in spite of all.

One more thing, an old friend of mine I havent seen for some 20 years (only some emails) is going to get married. That makes me sad, not for him but at the thought that my friends are getting normal life and gorwing adults normally, becoming husbands with responsibilites while I am still here...

Anyway I wanted to share this with you all

GodSeeker

 

[a3a2]

Congrats on getting out and getting moving, Seeker. You got the endorphins going and that is a great thing physically and mentally. Iwish you the best on working through your feelings of sadness. I wonder if it would help if you made a list of the top few things you want to accomplish and thought of small steps you could do to work toward them. I think getting moving is a great start!

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hello my friend,

Long time no talk. This is excellent news. I'm also in martial marts and I too went back last week after being away for three months and it felt good to be there.

The exercise certainly helps clear up frustration and anger by releasing energy, so it is good to read that you have decided to go back and start training again.

I know you feel very lonely over there and I can certainly relate to your sadness when seeing people who seem to have a normal life.

But don't give up hope. You are still young.

There has to be a lovely lady in your city who must also feel sad thinking no one could understand what she has gone through and who, like you, also wants a normal life.

Maybe you will be the one for her; someone who can understand what she needs and how she feels. She may be feeling just as lonely as you are right now, and has given up on hope of meeting someone just like you. Who knows - she could walk into to your martial arts school tomorrow!

If you found the energy to go back to martial arts, perhaps you will find some for going out and finding her.

Anything is possible...

Take care GodSeeker

Your friend

Johnny

 

[gdf]

That's great--you are getting back into something you love that makes you feel connected.

Gina

 

[GodSeeker]

Thanks for your words,

You see, the problem is this depression in conjunction with isolation I am facing. I did post somewhere that I was not on medication (personal choice) so things are not easy fo me and going back to be around people again is a big deal. I KNOW I am going to deal with some trouble.

One of the effect of depression is poor self-esteem: It is like I do not see myself worth of, for example, having a GF. With the time this transfoms into something else: I lose the interest in that thing. That is, I do not want that thing anymore because, anyway, I could not get in the past, so I stop trying to get it in the future.

It is why, for now, my interests, are very limited. What I do care for are for instance:
1. Maintaining a job to live: thanks God I cannot squawke about it.
2. My eating habits: I think I am having a pretty good eating habits.
3. Physical activities. I am a lover of sports and joining a gym prove it (with or without PTSD)

I do not feel interest in anything else, FOR NOW. Things will come at their right time. I learned that it is not healthy to force myself to do things in order to appear "normal" if I really do not want to. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to be like "the mob". I am really starting to think that the major obstacle to heal is our struggle to behave like the society wants us to behave. Off course society do not give a sh** on what I went through, nevertheless I THINK THAT, SOMEHOW I MUST BE HAPPY AT ALL COST. Maybe when alone I can be myself and show my sorrow and despair but around people I MUST BE-actually appear to be-as happier as I could regardless of what I feel.

What I am doing is going in opposite direction of what I want to. You see, I AM SAD, but FORCE myself to be happy and to accomplish this I am spending a huge amount of energy. What if I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SAD, and more importantly, what if I start thinking that being sad, helpless, is not bad if you have a motive to be like that (and what a motive!) It is as natural as being happy and joyful if you have a motive. I am just being authentic or faithful to myself.

So for now I stick with this list, when the time comes I will move on more things
GodSeeker