Grieving For Who I Never Got To Be

[Llama]

A lot of PTSD guides, help books, therapists etc say that one of the first steps to healing with PTSD is to imagine yourself as you were before the trauma, and to use that as a light to guide yourself back. "You are simply aiming to return to a pre-trauma existence to the greatest possible extent."

This always makes me incredibly sad, because I never had a pre-trauma existence. Well, maybe if you count age 5 to be pre-trauma. My first step-father was physically abusive, verbally domineering and treated my brothers and I as if we were military recruits. He would give us an impossible task, and then punish us (usually physically) for not completing the task. His idea of playing with us was to tie us into black garbage bags until we would start to panic, then he'd release us, laughing. Oh such a fun and amusing game that was. When a five year old has something that they really, really want, they should not be told that the only way they can get that, is by also accepting being spanked with a belt.

That alone wouldn't have caused my CPTSD, or even PTSD, but it does illustrate that my earliest memories involve trauma.

This often makes me think, who would I have been if I had never been abused? What life could I have had? I mourn that loss, and I grieve for that person because she never got to live, she never got to experience life or have a healthy relationship, to be a healthy person.

It is so very frustrating, and aggravating that on top of all the other work I have to do to live a normal life, that I also have to design a person to strive to be. Not only do I have to take into account what would make me happy, I have to take into account those traits that would make the lives of those I live with easier. Most people in a relationship strive to work on parts of themselves to reach a compromise with their partners, better at cleaning the house, being more considerate about turning out the light at bedtime or whatever. I have to work on those like any 'normal' person, but I also have to create a whole person out of a mess of mangled and twisted steel.

I feel like I'm trying to reshape a compact that's been mashed between two semi's, but that it has to be a Mustang when I'm done with it.

So here I am, this shadow of who I could have been, wondering who I would have been and wishing that she was here instead of me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

"A lot of PTSD guides, help books, therapists etc say that one of the first steps to healing with PTSD is to imagine yourself as you were before the trauma, and to use that as a light to guide yourself back. "You are simply aiming to return to a pre-trauma existence to the greatest possible extent."

Personally, I think this is one of the stupidest things that anyone would say to a person with PTSD....Talk about self defeating......We will never be Pre-trauma, or pre-PTSD...We are who we are, and what we are, and I think that to strive for something that can never be achieved is just stupid, and self defeating......

For me, I have learned to just accept me for who and what I am, with all of my flaws. I still have a lot of work to do to many aspects of myself, but like every thing else in life, I am a work in progress....

 

[dust]

Llama,

I think that grieving for who you never were is a good start! Perhaps we don't remember the pre-ptsd self, but I think that therapy gives me feelings sometimes of who I was and who I could be. Just flashes mind; both comforting and distressing.

Grieving is a process, one that is linked to healing.

Best,

dust

 

[gdf]

Well said, all of you. I remember happy times before I had to endure the ugliness of being molested. I Like those memories. Tagging after my mother in the warm dirt of the garden picking tomatoes and green beans. She would take out her pocket knife, pick a sun-warmed cucumber off the vine and peel it for us to eat. And we trailed behind her munching away we were content and at peace as she picked an apron full of beans. We chased chickens, sat at the kitchen table making houses out of Quaker Oats containers. And then life changed. I am just now beginning to grieve for that little girl who got hurt. Life gets spoiled. Like when you get a new dress and then fall on the playground and rip it, stain it up with blood from your skinned elbow. Now matter how many times you wash it and bleach it and mend the rip you can't change the event that happened.

Llama, when you talk about reshaping your life, feeling like you have to do it out of a mangled piece of steel, I relate. We loose our innocence. Not just our bodies are changed but our minds are assaulted. I read an article in a medical journal last year that said the structure of a female child's genitalia actually healed to the point of no abuse being physically detectable by the time they reached adulthood. As an adult, there is no visible evidence of the physical damage caused by the actual attack. I don't know if that is a comfort or a curse. Does it make me feel less embarrassed that a gyn would not know? Yes. Doe it make me feel like I can say it never happened? No. It's still there in my mind, in the flash backs & the panic attacks.

I enjoy my pretrauma memories. Am I ever going to go back to the way I was in them? No. Because it simply will never be the same. It's like She Cat says, you have to accept things now and work from there, IMO. I have to reconcile it so it makes sense in my mind.

 

[Lionheart]

I spent a lot of time hating, regretting, wishing for, fighting, and denying the past before I finally came to accept what I got and what I lost. I learned that I can't go back in time and be the person I might have been, but I can start with who I am and build from there. I honestly feel for you and your losses (I don't have any pre-trauma memories either), I know the pain of loss, I know grief...and I also know that I can only live in the present moment, make the best of who I am, and go from there. She-cat said it best, we are "works in progress." I also wanted to add; An old sage once said, "Go to the past only for the healing and return right away, lest you become lost."...there is much wisdom in those words and I guess what I am trying to say to you is, grieve but try not to get stuck in it, like I did.

My Best
Lewie

 

[Llama]

I'm a construction worker! I like to have a solid set of blueprints in hand before I start any big job! No luck here though. Yah it's frustrating, I spend more time now looking back than I used to, but only because I was in such a state of avoidance I could have been born yesterday fully formed as far as I was concerned. Usually I only get angry at the unfairness at it all when I'm reaching a breaking point and my stress levels are too high and I'm just plain tired of having to fight so hard to be a 'normal' person. Thanks for all your comments, it truly does help to know that there are others out there who not only feel that PTSD is a valid disorder and not just an obstacle that I should be able to climb, but who understand how it feels and how helpless I feel at times.

 

[Real]

I have been also grieving. I always knew that my childhood was not "normal". I denied that it had such a deep lasting effect on me, and it's only now that the pain of all the chaos and abuse is surfacing. I have a ptsd workbook that I picked up and the first thing I noticed was what you mentioned...there was no before. I wonder if there is any hope for me to be whole. And I have no idea who I am right now. There were some questions in the workbook where I was to describe myself. I couldn't answer them. I had to get a friend to go through them with me, and I wrote down his answers!

 

[Llama]

I have that same book. One of the things I found interesting is that when it asked me to draw myself, all I drew was my head! It really made me realize that I don't see myself as anything more than a floating brain. It's a good book, I'm starting to work through the CPTSD stuff in the second half. I'd stopped doing it for awhile because I needed a break.

 

[Trinomial]

Hi Llama.

I am working on the same thing, grieving for that little kid I was never allowed to be---grieving the loss of childhood and teen years.

I don't try to be who I was, because I know that the core of my being is still intact, otherwise I would not have survived the things I went through. It shines through in those little moments when I get a gleam in my eye because I see something I like, or when I get spontaneous or playful.

Also, I don't resent what happened to me. I realize that if I had not had those experiences, I would not be who I am today. It took me a long time to appreciate who I am and to find some self-worth, but I did it. And I know that I wouldn't be as appreciative of what I do have if I had never felt like I had nothing or was nothing. I went through things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I am sure you have too. It's okay to be angry that you missed out on a lot of good things growing up, but don't miss out on what you have now. Love yourself, enjoy yourself, be yourself, you are worth it.

 

[yell]

Hello Llama,
I just wanted to let you know that I cried for her when I read your post. I understand. I am still trying to find her within me, but it's so hard to visualize. I think I met her in dreamtime, but after she led me to a set of stairs she was gone. She was so young, she died so young.

I wish you strength for your grieving journey because it is difficult.

 

[starshine]

I can relate too. My traumas started with my birth, so....

 

[LikeCharlotte]

I get so angry sometimes when I think about what I never had. I am angry Llama for what you never had. I have a workbook and I stopped using it for now because I cannot answer some of the questions or fill in the spaces. They simply do not apply to me. I feel like I need 50 workbooks and a whole other set of rules.
There is a place in the book that asks me to write who I trust. I cannot answer it.
There is a place in the book that asks me about a safe place. I cannot answer it.

The thing your post has made me see is that we cannot all be the same. One book will not be the answer for everyone but we can use it as a guideline. You've inspired me. I am going to go back and amend those parts to things I can answer. Maybe you can change it to "You are simply aiming to live a safe and healthy existence to the greatest possible extent."