I’m saying that when I was an adult, and looked back at what happened I should have seen it as wrong. But I didn’t. I just thought it was one of the nicer times with him.
It can be both, you know.
It can be a warm happy memory of spending time reading with your stepdad, AND it can be prelude to -or outright- abuse.
Or it can have no warm/happy attached to it at all, just simply not even register on the scale-of-f*cked-up-things. Because on a badness scale of 1-10? It’s a peanut butter sandwich. Not even ON the stupid scale.
And all kinds of complicated stuff in between.
Like being both warm/happy and make you physically sick with disgust. At the same time. Or angry than anyone would even hint you “should” be disgusted, because Dammit! That was a GOOD time, and sad that the good times didn’t last. Or afraid to even think about, much less talk about, any of the other good times in your memory because other people might try to “ruin” them, or that you might not see it as you think you see it. Or think 1 way (or 6 ways) about it, & feel a totally different way (or 6).
Whether you see it as wrong now, or not.
Whether you saw it as wrong when you first looked back, or not.
Whether it’s all quite simple and straightforward, or complicated as f*ck.
When you were a child? You thought as a child. Felt as a child. Cut your ADULT self some slack for not thinking as an adult, when you were a child, so that when you grew up your memories would align with how you want to think about things.
If adults can still use words like “squozen” because they think it’s the past tense of “squeeze”, because that’s what they learned as a child? Even though they have advanced degrees, and understand English grammar & spelling? So they “know” it should be squeezed? But the penny never drops / the connection is never made... until it’s pointed out to them? And they STILL don’t believe it, even though it makes sens; look it up, even though they know it’s true, but still FEEL like the word should be “squozen”? Maybe things more powerful than the past tense of freshly squeezed orange juice should be given just a LITTLE bit of compassion?
Grooming, without abuse following, is known as friendship.
Friendship is not an inherently bad or evil thing.
So it’s no wonder you didn’t see friendship as an inherently bad or evil thing. Because you hadn’t linked the good times with the abuse that followed, and it’s hard to separate out the times where things “blurred”. Reading with your kids? Usually a good thing.
It’s still a mindf*ck when we look back on totally innocuous things...So you’re really -truly- allowed to have your mind blown when it’s a much much bigger, and far more complicated, things.
There’s no need to be disappointed in yourself for not reacting how you wish you’d reacted. Much less ashamed of yourself.
And it’s okay to be conflicted. Then when you first looked back as an adult and saw nothing wrong, now where things are far more complicated, and in the future when (no idea what that will bring!) Because real life has those kinds of complications. Layers of feelings, layers of thoughts, layers of understanding. That often conflict with each other. At many different levels. And change as we do. No need to hate your past self for not knowing then what you know now, or for not being now, who you wish to be.
