Efus Pitch
New Here
Hi Everybody.
I suppose we start with why I ended up here: This might be my last shot at connecting with people before I'm out on the street. I've had P.T.S.D for years now and don't have very many options left. I've spent the first 24 years of my life inside a doomsday cult that did a number on my head and lead to a bad case of everyone's favorite neurological/physiological condition, P.T.S.D. I literally lived every day thinking this one could be my last on Earth. That alone might've been surmountable once I had enough experience to see through all the B.S. I've been fed for two decades but other things happened that put me down this path.
My dad died when I was six or so and that shattered the already fragile state of our family/my mom's own mental health. From then on, she retreated into a bottle and watched from the sidelines as me and my brothers tried to raise ourselves. We did alright considering the circumstances but when it came to coping mechanisms I chose poorly: Instead of music or friends like my brothers I went deeper into the cult, threw myself into it and retreated further inward as our house slowly became a war-zone with physical and emotional abuse. Over the years the cult gradually taught me to distrust everything and everyone that wasn't "In the Truth", and that included family members. When the rest of then gradually drifted away from the craziness I alone remained, the good little soldier in Christ who wouldn't leave the righteous path. What little threads that tied us together were severed then. Word to the wise, time emphatically DOES not heal all wounds. When it comes to relationships, there exist a tipping point where too much has gone unsaid for too long. I can't remember the last time we've had an honest to god conversation. If you care about a relationship that's on the rocks recently, suck it up and try to talk to them before its too late.
Cue to nowadays and things aren't going so hot: I've fought my way out of a destructive cult and family environment but I have little idea how to connect and build support networks with other people. I've been unable to hold down a steady job for years and the creative writing I do on my resumes is starting to stretch really, really thin. I had a bad break last year and nowadays barely can leave the house and have a low-grade shaking feeling pretty much 24/7, along with panic attacks and hyper-arousal episodes. Disability is a no go for this. Talked to a lawyer and the local judges believe P.T.S.D. is for combat vets, not a 31 year old drifter who is in otherwise good health. Besides, its the cool new mental disease people self-diagnose with nowadays for sympathy points. I don't sound any different to strangers.
My girlfriend of four years who had been incredibly understanding through all of this carried us financially for a long time, but her savings is tapped out now, and it's fraying on her/us. I'm going to push her to live with her sister nearby if/when we lose our one bedroom apartment soon. Frankly I don't know how she got this far. First two years we were together I'd jump every time she touched me and I didn't see it coming. I still have issues opening up to her and showing/feeling emotions. It's been enough for the woman.
As for me, I don't know. If I can't turn some money around soon I'll start driving south till I run out of gas and ditch everything I can't carry on my back. As it stands I didn't have many possessions to begin with so this isn't daunting. Maybe I'll figure out how to live like everyone else after I've lost everything. We'll see what happens, eh?
I suppose we start with why I ended up here: This might be my last shot at connecting with people before I'm out on the street. I've had P.T.S.D for years now and don't have very many options left. I've spent the first 24 years of my life inside a doomsday cult that did a number on my head and lead to a bad case of everyone's favorite neurological/physiological condition, P.T.S.D. I literally lived every day thinking this one could be my last on Earth. That alone might've been surmountable once I had enough experience to see through all the B.S. I've been fed for two decades but other things happened that put me down this path.
My dad died when I was six or so and that shattered the already fragile state of our family/my mom's own mental health. From then on, she retreated into a bottle and watched from the sidelines as me and my brothers tried to raise ourselves. We did alright considering the circumstances but when it came to coping mechanisms I chose poorly: Instead of music or friends like my brothers I went deeper into the cult, threw myself into it and retreated further inward as our house slowly became a war-zone with physical and emotional abuse. Over the years the cult gradually taught me to distrust everything and everyone that wasn't "In the Truth", and that included family members. When the rest of then gradually drifted away from the craziness I alone remained, the good little soldier in Christ who wouldn't leave the righteous path. What little threads that tied us together were severed then. Word to the wise, time emphatically DOES not heal all wounds. When it comes to relationships, there exist a tipping point where too much has gone unsaid for too long. I can't remember the last time we've had an honest to god conversation. If you care about a relationship that's on the rocks recently, suck it up and try to talk to them before its too late.
Cue to nowadays and things aren't going so hot: I've fought my way out of a destructive cult and family environment but I have little idea how to connect and build support networks with other people. I've been unable to hold down a steady job for years and the creative writing I do on my resumes is starting to stretch really, really thin. I had a bad break last year and nowadays barely can leave the house and have a low-grade shaking feeling pretty much 24/7, along with panic attacks and hyper-arousal episodes. Disability is a no go for this. Talked to a lawyer and the local judges believe P.T.S.D. is for combat vets, not a 31 year old drifter who is in otherwise good health. Besides, its the cool new mental disease people self-diagnose with nowadays for sympathy points. I don't sound any different to strangers.
My girlfriend of four years who had been incredibly understanding through all of this carried us financially for a long time, but her savings is tapped out now, and it's fraying on her/us. I'm going to push her to live with her sister nearby if/when we lose our one bedroom apartment soon. Frankly I don't know how she got this far. First two years we were together I'd jump every time she touched me and I didn't see it coming. I still have issues opening up to her and showing/feeling emotions. It's been enough for the woman.
As for me, I don't know. If I can't turn some money around soon I'll start driving south till I run out of gas and ditch everything I can't carry on my back. As it stands I didn't have many possessions to begin with so this isn't daunting. Maybe I'll figure out how to live like everyone else after I've lost everything. We'll see what happens, eh?
