Guilt Of Letting It Happen - From Their View

[keifer]

I'm the guy with PTSD. I'm writing this as I'm reflecting. My sister is the only family member who knows I have this. She was the one I called when I couldn't go on anymore in my rage and my suicide intentions. She has been to some of my appointments and therapy sessions over the last year.

The other day, she said she felt guilty. I have been thinking mostly about myself. I think this is normal. Now, I'm thinking how she feels and the impact on her. I guess, this is progression. Progression, for me, seems to measured in something smaller than baby steps.

Today, I asked her why she felt guilty. Was it not being there or me getting PTSD? I told her I feel very bad at times. When I have it or it's happening, I feel vulnerable and don't want anyone to see me like that. I went home yesterday vice huddle at my desk.

She told me she feels guilty for not being there and maybe the PTSD wouldn't of happened if she was. I told her don't be. I'm rather hard headed. I do appreciate the time now, I told her.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My mother feels much the same, I tell her she was not to blame - never to blame. The only people who are to blame are the ones who committed the abuse. She didn't know, couldn't have known, it's not her fault. I wish I could make her believe that. It's difficult. We cycle off of each other - If I'm worse, she gets upset, which makes me upset, which makes her moreso and so on, I feel guilty for that, but so does she. We made a pact to not blame ourselves, it doesn't always work, but it's the thought that counts.

 

[krimson]

My sister is also my biggest supporter, she keeps saying "why didn't you tell me then I would have killed him." But really what would that achieve? It's difficult because my abuser is my brother and my mother also just found out about my childhood a short while back. She had a huge reaction. She felt like a failure as a parent. I assured her she wasn't. Come to find out just yesterday...my mom has been attacked 3 times and could also be suffering with ptsd. I feel like too much is being put on my sister, just having had a child, but she insists she is strong and will be strong for me when I can't be.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Since you posted in the supporters section and you're a sufferer, I'm guessing you only want the supporter point of view?

 

[keifer]

Any point of view is fine. My target was supporters. To let them know, they are not unnoticed. It helps to understand both sides, eh?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh ok I didn't know we were allowed to start posts over here. I thought we could only reply?

 

[keifer]

I don't know either. If not guess, it can be just deleted!

 

[It's all my fault]

So, I feel guilty too....hense my name. You see witnessing abuse can be just as traumatizing and the fact I was the "favorite" and spared from beatings make it worse. I wish it was me. Here is what I find helpful....Never invalidate her feelings of feeling guilty, instead explain this is a classic symptom of PTSd and it needs to be addressed. My siblings don't know that this is a huge part of my despair, I hope they never find out. They have suffered enough. That said, the fact that she told you this is wonderful. Now you both can get help. She will need to speak with a professional about her feelings so they can be processed correctly to prevent her from getting symptoms. I would absolutely continue to let her help you and be honest with her about what's going on. He ability to help you will lessen the guilt and I'm sure she wants you better. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[keifer]

She's a social worker too, believe it or not! If I had know this would bring it on her, I should have just shot myself vice this living hell.

 

[It's all my fault]

Keifer,
Absolutely NOT! That would be the worst thing for your sister and the last thing she would want. Imagine her guilt then? She would never get over it! If you are suicidal please get help....now. Call a hotline or 911. But, don't be impulsive on this. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Your sister is in a helping profession for a reason. I'm sure helping her brother will give herthreat satisfaction. It sounds like you need more support than just your sister and T. Have you looked into NAMHI or DBSA support groups? I'm not sure if your in the USA but they are located in all states. Keep on the board, knowing your not alone helps. I wish you both the best.

 

[keifer]

I was told to find a different therapist in January. I quit the one I was seeing and moved on to the next resource the base provided. They didn't provide an additional resource, just said I'm not progressing, I'm not stable, and I'm no longer a deployable asset and therefor will face a medical board and discharge following.

I went a bit unstable this afternoon, sorry.

 

[It's all my fault]

Are you safe?