Guilt

[Rebel Girl]

For not being able to handle the responalities of adult life. For not finding a way to stop my abuse when going along with it was easier. For still letting it prevent me from having a full life. For trusting the wrong people. For not pushing through grad school. For not taking enough care of myself. For not walking away from grad school when I knew it was going to push me to my limit. For deciding I can't be a teacher and giving up on it. For not being out enough. For being too slow to grow as a person. For feeling like I deserve to be taken care of because of everything I have been through. For not living up to my potential. For not being who I should be. And so much more. Is it helpful? No. Is it there? Always.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself.

 

[Momofthree]

I had a dear friend tell me once "Guilt is good, shame is bad. Guild says I did something wrong and I'm sorry but I can do better, Shame says I am what is wrong and there is nothing I can do because I'm worthless and helpless." what you describe above is not guilt, it is shame. It is full of lies because you aren't wrong, worthless, or helpless. Bad sh*t happened to you, you made mistakes and poor choices; but no one is perfect and no one can change the past. All we can do is get up, dust ourselves off, and learn from our past. The old phrase "once burned, twice shy" is about leaning from your past experiences to have a better future. You are wonderful and beautiful and strong (if you weren't strong you would be dead) you did what you had to do to survive. You can't live up to your 'potential' when you are surviving, only when you are thriving. You have to get all your basic needs met before you can switch from survival mode to thriving mode and you were not getting all your basic needs met.

 

[Kintsugi]

@Rebel Girl I liked your post. Not because I like what you've said about yourself. Because I empathize deeply with your sense of shame (as @Momofthree outlined).

I hope you look into resources that teach self-acceptance and self-love. You deserve to be cherished for who you are, not what you feel you failed to do properly. Doesn't everyone deserve to stand on their merits rather than fall on their mistakes?

Hugs if you accept them. (((Rebel Girl)))

 

[Whitebird]

@Rebel Girl I totally relate to your post. It is completely what I am feeling. I don't have anything to say. I'm just crying.

 

[Momofthree]

@Rebel Girl I would like to add one more thing about your not living up to your potential. I struggle with this all the time, I turn 30 at the end of the month and I feel like I have done nothing! I spent the majority of my 20's in an abusive relationship and what little I did accomplish was all stripped away when I left. At the age of 27 I had to start all over from scratch. I didn't have a college degree, yet my best friend was graduating with her master. I didn't have a job because I had to leave the career I loved in order to get away from my abuser, I was a single mother of three small children (something I never wanted to be, I had all my children with the same man and was married), I was on unemployment, living with my parents, and on food stamps. I definitely wasn't living up to my potential. I lost so many years to that damn man that I can't get back and it sucks! I feel like I'm so far behind the curve that I'll never catch up.

 

[Rebel Girl]

Big ball of guilt and shame. Guilt for the past, shame for the present. I know I don't deserve to feel this way. I am working on it. Would be a lot easier in a world where recovery was acceptable as a full time pursuit. Feeling judged doesn't help. Thanks for the kind words everyone. *hugs @Simply Simon back*

 

[Seagreen]

I could have written this myself at one stage. These days guilt is no longer with me so much. Lately I've found myself looking at the future rather than the past. What can I do next? Its exciting and frightening but I'm looking forward to putting my toe in the waters of change..

I think guilt is part of the healing process that we must all go through. In the end I realised that I had done the best I could under extremely difficult circumstances and that tells me I am strong, not a failure. We are all doing the best we can fighting against a raging current at times. Remember that this too will pass when the time is right. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@Rebel Girl I relate to what you said. All the internalized shame that I carry inside me. Here is one quote from Pema Chodron that helps me feel better:

"Start where you are. This is very important. Meditation practice [or healing journey] is not about later, when you get it all together and you're this person you really respect. You may be the most violent person in the world - that's a fine place to start. That's a very rich place to start - juicy, smelly. You might be the most depressed person in the world, the most addicted person in the world, the most jealous person in the world. You might think that there are no others on the planet who hate themselves as much as you do. All of that is a good place to start. Just where you are - that's the place to start."

 

[sun seeker]

Oh, I can so relate to this post. I could have written it almost word for word. That doesn't solve your problem, but you are not alone in this. I feel shame for mistakes I made, for being weak, for needing help, for being hurt, for having let so many opportunities go while I was trying just to survive, for not being able to keep up with others, for giving in to people who took advantage of me, for letting my daughter see my suffering, for not being able to make more money, and on and on.

Would be a lot easier in a world where recovery was acceptable as a full time pursuit.

I like this. I've often wished the same thing.