Gun To My Head This Morning, Afraid To Tell

[Gadgie]

Quote......"I watched a person burn to death right in front of me when I was seven. I can still see it"

I know what you mean, I saw two teenage girls burn to death in the back of a car, and we couldn't do anything about it, the flames were too big, and the heat was so hot, we couldn't get near the car to pull them out?

The noise of their screaming still haunts me yet!

 

[Brenton]

That is some heavy stuff. That would serious affect me badly. No child at the age of seven should h...

Its an underlying feeling of terror that I can't shake.

 

[joeylittle]

@Brenton - will you remove your access to the gun?

 

[Deleted member 33023]

I understand. I woke up twice last night in sheer terror. Thought someone was going to kill me imminently. It is terrifying. When it doesn't stop and goes a long time your mind starts thinking crazy thoughts. When I get to this point I'm trying to say in my head "I have an illness." "This isn't me thinking it is my poor brain trying to work but it needs to heal."

Another thing you can try to do is distract yourself any way you can (in a healthy way). I just got a bunch of stupid safeway monopoly game pieces and tried to play it. It took me forever but kept my mind occupied. Meditation is also something that is supposed to help.

I really think you should see a doctor. I was like you and didn't want to go but when I felt the terror for almost two weeks and could not stop crying I hit rock bottom and went. Now I am glad I went as a lot of my symptoms are relieved and I can do things without crying.

 

[Friday]

I have to remind myself on a fairly regular basis that if I eat my gun, then I lose everything anyway, so might as well change everything, first. At least changing everything gives me the opportunity to come back from it. As opposed to shooting myself, which doesn't.

 

[anonymous]

I think it's a little like Russian Roulette to keep the gun around. I understand needing the comfort of having an out on hand. Personally. I just think anything that can be so effective without any delay is an accident waiting to happen. If you had a moment of overwhelm and went through with it and your wife found you after she may end up with PTSD. I'm not taking the possibility of suicide away from you as that is your choice and I understand needing that option. I'm just saying do something about the gun. We can have moments where we are not thinking clearly.

 

[anonymous]

And please do tell your dr. I know it is terribly scary but he needs to know that he can help you better. The details can be decided once you two discuss the situation fully.

 

[void]

I'm new here, but not new to the issues discussed here.
The only people who know I'm depressed are my w...

In a way you do know what you need....you need to be heard, you need help....and that is why you wrote to us.
What you DON'T know is how to get the pain to stop....how to stop the nightmare your life has become.

Though we don't know you....we do know pain.
We have been where you are....I,myself, used to beg and I MEAN! beg for death....I couldn't stand one more minute of this wretched life.

But, here I am.:happy:

@Brenton You want to live...JUST withOUT the terrible pain. You urge to suicide is not the desire to die....but the desire to be FREE of the pain.
If you actually wanted only death, you'd already have killed yourself long ago.

There IS a way to heal.:happy:

It will take some time, some sharing, some learning...but your life can be better.

Welcome to our community.:hug:

 

[LostInCPTSD]

I'm new here, but not new to the issues discussed here.
The only people who know I'm depressed are my w...

Brenton - reading your post helped me. I'm in same boat. I'm trying to hide my symptoms from family, my kids, my doctor (the part about thinking about suicide (and until 2 weeks ago I thought I finally got past it after about a year or so actually planning it) - I don't want to die, I have two kids (10, 14) and I can't ruin their lives by ending mine - too much guilt. But I'm afraid that's all that keeps me from doing it. If I didn't have my kids would be gone looong ago. Stay strong. Sonething that helped me was thinking back to when I was planning it - if I did it then, my kids were only 8 & 12, and even tho it's been so hard and probably depressing for them to see me so unlike my usual self, I'm still very loving and supportive and was able to be a part (tho in background I was still there) of many moments and milestones that I would have been devestated to miss looking down on what I missed of their lives. In a way THANK GOD it's my love/guilt/strength for my kids that is only thing keeping me here.. in other words, I should adjust my outlook (as depressing as it may seem to me at times) living only for them is still a life worth living. A big challenge for me is not being able to work which keeps me teetering on verge of homelessness or losing my ability to support my kids, which is what's been triggering me the last two to four weeks and got me in a huge funk lately and got me thinking the world just wants me dead. I was homeless as a child and I just can't ever be in that situation again. Also, lastly, in a way even entertaining the thought of doing myself in, after the transition of shock to the mind and mindset, it was almost comforting knowing I had a way to escape the pain. It's hard to switch between trying to have goals and seeing the future then go to thinking it's all over - but sonehow knowing again that "at least I'm in their lives one more day, this day is a treasure".. stay strong my friend and I'll try doing the same.. I know what it's like having no friends no family and a HUGE responsability and tons of other burdens at war in the mind to carry around and shove down (like we had to do our whole lives) and not have anyone to tell - it's mental torture that is also a physical one - thanks for opening up - it helped me.

 

[void]

@LostInCPTSD

:hug:to you!

you do have someone to tell...you have US:hug:

We will listen:hug:

 

[LostInCPTSD]

@LostInCPTSD

:hug:to you!

you do have someone to tell...you have US:hug:

We will lis...

Thank you.. this site is amazing.. I just need to learn to reach out more. God bless you - HUGS right back to you & take care of yourself 8)

I understand. I woke up twice last night in sheer terror. Thought someone was going to kill me immi...

Thank you for posting - very good advice!! Bless you & hugs to you, sending healing vibes your way.. !!

 

[LostInCPTSD]

Its an underlying feeling of terror that I can't shake.

I completely agree - it's absolutely a living Hell.. if I can ever get my symptoms under control I know an incredibly diamond-strong person will reveal itself.. because if I can get past this I know I can get through ANYTHING and be incredibly helpful to others suffering what I went through - I can't wait to help people instead of feeling like a huge loser and a burden and someone not very fun to be around (before this a professional musician extrovert and all around great guy to have around for laughs and fun at a party!) now I don't recognize myself and feel an incredible underlying sense of doom and feeling like I'm doing everything wrong and even sabotaging myself by being sick without conciousky knowing it or something.. it's surreal and all too real at sane time. I wish I could heal you now but I think the only way we can at this point in our journey is just relate to eachother and understand that this illness effects everyone in this way - I know as soon as in triggered all my rational thought and all this 'knowledge' goes right out the window - a big reason why I disappear into my bed - I'm used to trying to help others to feel better and when I can't I feel less than useless and out of place - don't know how to act or form a coherent thought, let alone foster a new (albeit on-line) friendships