Gun To My Head This Morning, Afraid To Tell

[Brenton]

I'm new here, but not new to the issues discussed here.
The only people who know I'm depressed are my wife, and my Dr. Everyone else knows, nothing about my depression, the sexual abuse I suffered, my self-harm, and being in therapy. I live my life with a facade of normalcy and control when I'm dying inside most of the time. I'm a complete fraud.

I know its stupid and proud, but I have a lot to lose if my troubled mind becomes known to people around me. And, I don't want to talk about a lot of things to my parents which would be an issue if I was hospitalized.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was put my gun to my head. I wasn't going to do it, I just put it there, almost like I was on autopilot. I'm afraid to tell my Dr. I did this, I'm afraid I'll get committed.

Doc knows I feel suicidal at times, but I do not have a plan, and don't really want to die. But, the feelings are so overpowering sometimes, I'm afraid my head will win one day and I'll do the thing I say I'll never actually do. I feel like I'm getting worse in some ways.

I'm not on meds that cause suicidal thoughts, just 200 mg lamictal and some Valium which I only use when I have or feel a major panic attack coming on. I've been on meds that made me suicidal, so I know its not meds.

I don't know what I need, I just didnt want to sit here alone with these feelings.

Brenton

 

[book6672]

I know depression can cause us to do things, but you do have people that care about you. Use them to get you through each day and think about all the things you have to be grateful. You are not a fraud! You are moving on with your life and that takes courage. You mentioned you are scared to go to the hospital. I would encourage it Your whole focus is getting better and you can be yourself because it is a safe place. People in your life don't have to know why. Keep pushing yourself and don't give up.

 

[LuckyDuck]

There are a few ways to get rid of your gun safely. There are amnesty programs or donations to training programs. Autopilot is the word that had me respond.

LD

 

[joeylittle]

It's great that you are posting about this. Breaking the silence is sometimes the hardest part.

Is your doctor your therapist? I'd strongly recommend discussing a safety contract with them. I don't think I'd be alive without mine. I've struggled with heavy suicidality for a long time now.

While you don't have a plan or a date, you do have a method (gun) and easy access to it (because it's yours). You need to get that method completely out of your operating range. You must not be able to pick it up on impulse. So get rid of it.

I understand not wanting to be committed. But have you investigated doing planned inpatient? Are you on medication? What have you tried so far that hasn't worked - letting us know would help us all give better advice.

Really glad you are here.

 

[Deleted member 33023]

Brenton,

I'm new here too. I feel for you. As Book6672 says "don't give up." I'm having a hard time too. It is good to be a little anonymous and be able to be more open than usual. I joined this forum after I planned to kill myself and as a last desperate attempt I called the suicide hotline and they were able to calm me down at 3:30 a.m. But what I have to start believing and I'm still working on it is this. Stress and it seems you are under a lot of stress. Also you were stressed as a child. My rudimentary understanding is this...trauma to a child through abuse or even witnessing something horrible makes physical changes in the brain. These changes in the brain is why you feel not right. You have to believe like your liver your brain is an organ and can be hurt (via stress/trauma). Unlike your other organs your brain thinks. So when your brain is hurt through stress just as if your leg can be broken it doesn't or cannot think straight. Wiring isn't right physically and the signals get mixed up.

I do hate (I know hate is a strong word) the feeling I get when I think people will judge me too. I wish people had a different attitude towards people like us. We didn't ask for this. What was done to us was out of our control. It wasn't our fault. One day hopefully everyone will understand although I have to admit it that I had a hard time understanding and admitting...maybe because my brain wiring it off too. : )

You will feel better. It does pass. It can get better. As Book6672 said you have people who care about you. If you feel paranoid, remember your brain isn't working right and take that into account. I too thought I would be "rejected" for being "broken" but in fact they have been pretty supportive.

If you don't find support everyone here is really wonderful. I have been looking at other forums and everyone here is so wonderful. I am sure you will find some great advice here amongst people who really really understand us.

 

[Brenton]

Thanks everyone. I've tried most of the usual meds and they all made me worse, mostly suicidal. I'm very afraid of people finding out about my mental illness, but its getting harder to hide. Just sharing here is a big step, unusual for me.

 

[Deleted member 33023]

Yay!!! How are you now?

 

[Brenton]

Brenton,

I'm new here too. I feel for you. As Book6672 says "don't give up." I'm having a hard ti...

I watched a person burn to death right in front of me when I was seven. I can still see it.

 

[Deleted member 33023]

That is some heavy stuff. That would serious affect me badly. No child at the age of seven should have seen anything like that...ever. I wish I could hold your seven year old child and tell you it's okay. You will be okay. I can't do that so I can send you an electronic hug {HUG} and tell you it will be okay.

 

[twinkle30]

You need to get the gun out of the house. Have your wife hide it from you. The suicide rates triple when there is access to a gun.

 

[hodge]

Yep, get rid of the gun asap. Preferably to a friend's or relative's house.

 

[ms spock]

Sell that gun and make sure you cannot access any other guns.

You are so brave to post!