Gutted, Need Advice On How To Deal

[DreamLover]

I will start with: my husband has his issues, but we were committed to staying together. That's about the best I can paint the situation. I've just found out he's cheated on me - claims it was with six women over three months, one physical encounter - and am just absolutely reeling. I do not know how to deal or handle this situation. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[trying2movefwd]

So sorry to hear that. My best advice is to take time to process it before making any rash decisions and it wouldn't hurt to disscus it with your T as well. I've been in a similar place, but with added pain that made making it work impossible.

 

[Dana1010]

I'll start by saying, wow, what and ass%ole.

Also, I'm confused by this.

claims it was with six women over three months, one physical encounter

So what happened with the five women that he wasn't "physical" with? Were they just dates? Also, how do you even get that many dates in three months? Is he using a dating app or something?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I agree with @trying2movefwd : take plenty of time to process all this. Can you stay with a friend or family member for a while? It may be good for you two to be apart until you are both really ready to talk and decide whether you want to stay together.

6 women in three months is not a one time time thing. If it were 1 he could have claimed it was a mistake he didn't mean to make. But 6 women?! That is a conscious decision. He cheated on you with several different women over a three month period. He had plenty of time to think about what he was doing and he went on with it anyway. What an asshole.
Has he given you any explanation for his actions?

I don't know you or the context of all this, so I can't tell you what is the best decision for you. I'm not married, so I can only imagine what you're going through. What does come into my mind is this: if he hurts you this badly and makes so many bad choices, does he even really want your marriage to work out?

Lots of warm thoughts and hugs to you, if you accept them. :hug: :hug:

 

[DreamLover]

I'll start by saying, wow, what and ass%ole.

Also, I'm confused by this.
So what happened with the...

Hi @Dana1010 Yes he was using tinder. He had a fake FB profile too. I found out bc I found a few emails between him and the woman he met up with.

 

[DreamLover]

Hi @Snowwhite

Thanks for your support. I agree it was a conscious decision, but he says it's because our marriage was/is so difficult. I honestly don't think he wants to be married - he claims he wants to, but I think actions speak louder than words. We have a toddler and one on the way.

I have a friend I could potentially stay with. Otherwise I would have to travel a long distance to stay with someone.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Take your time to think things over.

If you can make your relationship work, that's great. I'd advise you to make sure it's what you both want.

I wouldn't necessarily take him at his word right now as you're right, actions do speak louder than words. It's pretty scummy of him to cheat on his pregnant wife, and I fear he may be saying he wants to stay together in order to save face. I mean people will look down on him for abandoning a pregnant wife, but if he waits for her to give birth and then says it's just not working, he saves major face and comes out looking like the noble man who stood by his woman------and despite his best efforts, it wasn't meant to be.

Of course I really do hope that things can work out, but I'd be wary of his words as there could be ulterior motives.

Make plans now and get as much support as you can in case of the worst case scenario. On one hand it may not be the best to tell your friends/family about this situation as if you stay with him, everyone will look down on your husband and it may make your marriage more difficult. More importantly, I think that you should be open with friends/family as you'll need support if you end up being a single parent of 2 young children. (And since their needs are of utmost importance, I'd say go with the latter option.)

:hug:

 

[DreamLover]

Thank you @EveHarrington

To be fair, it was news of my pregnancy that led him to stop. So I wasn't pregnant while he was cheating. Still f*cked up but....

I'm just not sure I can do it. There was emotional abuse before, he's an admitted alcoholic and sex addict and he has ADD and bipolar. I just haven't felt love for him for a long time anyway....

My only concern is being alone with two very little children. I'm so angry at him for putting me in this position. I kind of want to kick him out, at least temporarily. I just can't even look at him.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

OH MY!!!!!!! (((((DREAM)))))) I am so sorry you are going through that........

 

[EveHarrington]

Whatever you do, make sure it's the right choice for you.

While optimally a child will have parents who are together, I think it's even more important to not subject children to alcoholism (I've seen its devastating effects and wish an alcoholic parent on no one, not even Damian himself!), a sex addicted parent, or a parent who habitually cheats.

I can't stress enough how important it is to set up a support network now (no matter what the outcome may be).

You and your kids deserve the best! (You deserve a better husband, they deserve a better father.)

 

[Dana1010]

Ah, Tinder. Read an article in Vanity Fair a while back about Tinder and the "dating apocalypse." Nice to know it's obliterating relationships for married people too now. There's a warm seat in hell for the founder that app.

I second the posters who say one happy parent is better than two parents constantly at each others' throats. Hopefully he is able to pay child support should you decide to separate.

 

[Thizette]

Hi @Snowwhite

Thanks for your support. I agree it was a conscious decision, but...

I agree that staying with a friend for a while is the best thing. Also, think about your kids and what is best for them--and this is not a plug for staying with your husband. If the marriage is unsalvageable, don't stay because of the kids, because that's worse for them. If both of you truly want to stick it out and make it work, set some clear boundaries and expectations. I don't believe anyone should stay married because marriage is sacred or because kids or for any reason other than they are two people who share love and mutual respect and a commitment to growing together as partners and/or family.

The most important thing to remember is that you don't have to make decisions or take action about any of this until you decide you're ready to.

Much love and good juju to you.