General Handle With Care - Did I Blow It?

[tac1212]

Hi all. A few months ago I met and befriended a sufferer. He is in therapy and on medication and from stories he's told me he is doing much better than a year ago. We are both people who are weary of relationships and talked about it often. Still we spent a lot of time together - almost everyday. We got into a routine, even sleeping over, like a couple but without being intimate. Affectionate but not intimate. We both felt friendship was more important. But I am human and got close. There were times I felt I should pull back but was afraid of his reaction or I thought it was ok since he was the one asking for my time and wanted me there. He would call me and want to plan things, etc. I thought it best that way. I didn't want to make any requests or demands. Im pretty easy going so it was not difficult to let him run the show. But I started to realize that I had a hard time saying no to him partly because our time together was split between him needing me and just liking my company.

He told me so many personal, intimate things about himself, and at his request I was there with him through many rough, emotional times. I couldn't help but feel we were getting close. There were times I did pull back a bit and was not available to him and he seemed to get jealous and would disappear for a while or would call and say he wasn't feeling well and ask me to come and I would of course go to him. He would express how grateful he was to have someone that wasn't scared away by his condition and told me how many pre-ptsd friends he had lost. Still, there were times I felt he was taking my friendship for granted and used his condition to justify being inconsiderate.

Recently something happened one night and I got my feelings hurt and felt taken for granted. I stood up for myself and he said I was getting too emotional. This hit me the wrong way since he seemed to be the one that needed me around all the time and actually was the emotional one. He told me many times that he liked me around because I wasn't emotional and kept him calm. I took my things and left. Most "friends" which is what he said we were, would chalk it up to a bad night but its been a week since we've spoken. I apologized a few days in (via text) but did not get a response. The other day he called but it was very late and I missed the call - no message. I didn't return the call because I figured if he really wanted to talk to me or needed something he'd call again.

I know I shouldn't but I feel guilty for getting so involved and for not just letting things go that night. I fear now he thinks I am just one more person he can't trust. I also think I am having a hard time just letting this go because of his condition and I feel like I'd be abandoning him. Is it harder to let go of people with ptsd?

 

[PTSDMama]

Hey tac...I have no answers that will help. I just wanted to say that he's lucky to have you as a friend who cares so much and is thinking so much about how things might affect him. I'm the mom of a sufferer who's still a little guy, so I'm not sure what you should do here. Seems like if we push them too much (contact too much) when they're not ready, that's a trigger. But it could be different for him. Maybe call him and leave a message, telling him that you care, then leave it alone? Hoping some sufferers, or at least some carers with lots of experience, will weigh in.

 

[dms]

Been there done that. Welcome to the weird, wacky world of a ptsd relationship. My bf acts like he hates me now, has told me that he had me some one else and to not text him a few days after he broke up with me. I did everything with and for him.The rejection and pain nearly broke me but
"still i rise"!! Good Luck!!

 

[tac1212]

Thank you PTSDMama. I do care and even though it's tough I hope that the space/separation will make that one night seem not so serious. I know right now he probably feels that our situation was turning into something that could cause stress which is unhealthy for anyone but especially sufferers. We took an on line stress test once - just answered questions about events in your life over the past year and based on your answers you are given a score. High stress was over 400. He scored in the 600s. I scored 44. Knowing how to be there but not get walked all over was harder than I imagined. I know time will heal whether we remain friends or not and only time will tell - it's just difficult.

 

[tac1212]

Been there done that. Welcome to the weird, wacky world of a ptsd relationship.....Good Luck!!

Thanks dms. I'm sorry for what you are going through. You stay strong and I will too.

 

[tac1212]

My friend has attempted to contact me a couple times this week. I missed the calls but did respond later just letting him know I saw that he called and making it safe for him to call again. Late at night he sent a couple a texts, sounded like he was having a bad time of it. I asked if he was ok and he said "never." I asked if I could help and he said "maybe." I just responded and let him know I was there to listen if he needed to talk. We didn't talk but he did let me know he got home safe. Maybe all he needed at that moment was to know someone was out there. I don't know. To people on the outside, my friends, he looks like a guy playing games and there maybe some of that there but I've seen it's more complex than that and those emotions are not always easy for the sufferer to face. Some try to hide it by exhibiting shallow behavior, going out partying, not getting close to people, etc., but later they feel even worse and those are the dangerous times. Home alone with enough medication to do serious damage if you are in the wrong state of mind. I know my friends are worried about me getting close to someone with these issues but I keep thinking or trying to imagine what it would be like to be constantly comparing your life pre-ptsd and post-ptsd and not even recognize yourself anymore and not understand how this happened to you. He asked me that once. He really wanted to know my opinion of how I thought this happened to him. I did not have an answer. Anyway, thanks all for being here.

 

[PTSDMama]

I'm again struck by how much you've put into trying to understand his issues. That's awesome. Please don't lose yourself in the process, though. As others have told me, make sure you're taking care of yourself. :-)

What a great way to respond to him - just letting him know you're there.

 

[tac1212]

Feeling better but with waves of sadness. No contact since those late night texts. I know its best to let him be. I found out the night he called and texted me he was at my local place (rest/pub) talking people he is aware know me. They said he said really nice things about me, said I was amazing, said we were dating (surprised me that he used that word - we never defined it - said we were friends). My friend asked him what happened and he said he had a lot going on and couldn't really date anyone right now. Then he decided to call me and ask me to meet him. That's the call I missed. I returned it later but he didn't pick up - then the texts later. That was the third time in a week he tried to contact me - now he fear he will stop. No word since Thurs. Trying to stay strong and let him be.

 

[KristinEllis]

I'm glad someone pointed me to this section. tac I am going through something similar but very different and its killing me. I don't want to jack your thread so I'll start my own.

 

[tac1212]

Hi KristinEllis - I don't mind - or point me to your thread when it's up. It is helpful reading that people are having similar experiences. Since my last post I have had actual contact and he has attempted to contact me a few more times usually late at night. In the regular dating world you would just say he's out for a booty call but we were not being intimate before so he has no expectation of that happening now. With anyone else that would be my first thought but with a sufferer you never know. I'm a little worried as he seems to be out a lot and drinking more and that was definitely something he was making an effort not to do when we were hanging out more. Don't worry all - I am keeping my boundaries. I did not accept or return the recent late night calls and when the opportunity arises I will talk to him about it and let him know that while I am sensitive to what he is going through he must be respectful of me and our friendship.

 

[tac1212]

Two steps forward, one step back. Had dinner with my friend (sufferer) three times this week. Seemed like we would get things back on track but last night he seemed to get jealous and pulled away. I had spoken with him earlier, he was home trying to get over a bad cold.

Mutual friends called me and I went out with them, 2 couples and one other guy, room-mate of one couple that we are friends with. We went to eat and my friend showed up as we pulled up to the restaurant. I don't know if he knew I was with them or not but when he showed up I knew he might be upset because the one guy, the room-mate was in my car. He said his friends called and asked him to give them a ride home. They say that he called them and they told him where we were going to eat. He acted normal for the most part but left before we were done with dinner.

When we left I texted and called him but he did not respond or pick up. I am familiar with this behaviour as it has happened before. I left a message calling him on it letting him know I knew he was upset because he was not responding but I didn't know why. I know sufferers can have issues with fear of abandonment which makes them act irrationally. I'm hoping giving home more time and space will bring this incident to an end. It was a good 3 days.

 

[LilBit]

Just my 2 cents, but my ptsd friend says that when she is sick the med she is on which I believe is for anxiety/depression does NOT work. Being feverish or sick greatly reduces the effectiveness. Just an observation, her ptsd symptoms flare when she is coming down with something. And when she is sick it's just dreadful. It isn't just her physical state, her mental/emotional state goes in the toilet. And it takes a while for her meds to kick back in properly as she recovers.