General Handling Serious Illness

[Glara]

As I've mentioned multiple times in previous posts, my ex had a biopsy for cancer. While he was being tested, I was being tested for Cushings. ( I'm still being tested). When I last texted with my sufferer he says he would let me know his results but he has not.

I haven't texted to ask what the results were. I guess I feel that if he hasnt contacted me, he doesn't want to. The other thing is, I'm being tested for Cushings and his cat just died from that. My question is, is it possible that he's shutting me out because he's sick and I may be too?

He's been in touch regularly even since he broke it off, and he even asked when I'd be in town again because he'd like to see me. He's also been very concerned when other people were sick or injured. I just can't believe he wouldn't want to know about me, and I can't imagine why he wouldnt tell me his results. It's just so painful to not know what's going on with him.

I'd appreciate if no one tells my to forget him and move on. I just want to know if his PTSD could be the reason.

 

[xraydave]

It's hard to really know what your situation is, so what are the signs of cancer he has been receiving? what have doctors been saying? how many tests has he done to eliminate any risks?

i had a scare like this recently as well. (no biopsy just CT scans to eliminate cancer worries). Sometimes it may feel a bit crappy having worried about something, and then finding out you were wrong as well. so i remember waiting a couple of weeks before telling anyone that it is nothing after all.

anyway, even if it is, cancer (worst case scenario), don't worry about this stuff, worry about how to get better and usually when people are given a diagnosis, they are on the path to getting better from there. not worse than what they already have. so refocus your attention.

also, i don't think avoiding telling someone something is so unnatural. we do it all the time, even with our families or other people we grew up with.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Why not just ask him?

Cancer biopsies and tests for serious illnesses are not something to wait around about. You can waste precious days waiting for each other to contact each other, and inventing all kinds of scenarios that can make you feel offended and hurt, when the reality could be totally different than the story you're creating out of suppositions.

Just ask. You can say you're worried or anxious, and really want to know what the Dr. said.
He might be your Ex, but this is a perfect time for one or both of you to extend life-saving support to the other.

Please don't wait. Egos can get checked at the door. These are life-threatening possibilities for the both of you, and you both have an opportunity to help each other. It's important for the two of you to be communicating.

With deep concern,
Deer

 

[Sighs]

I'd like to respectfully disagree with @deer_in_headlights. @Glara has extended herself time and time again for this man. This is not about her ego. This is about focusing her energies on herself and her own health right now.

@Glara - could it be his PTSD? Absolutely. He may well be completely overwhelmed right now, his stress cup is in constant overflow and he just can't handle hearing bad news from you or sharing bad news with you which he knows will upset you so he just completely shuts you out. Could it be something else entirely? Maybe. Blame whatever makes it less painful for you.

 

[nursenurse]

Some folks have it drummed into them from an early age that those kinds of things stay private, one of my best friends is like that - it strained the friendship at times until we realized this is how her whole family operated. And of course his PTSD could have and likely does have something to do with it, although no one is a mind reader.

What is the worst thing that could happen if you ask him? This is causing you mental distress. If you ask him, you have to be prepared for the answer. He has it or he doesn't. That is, if he answers you. If he doesn't answer, would you be you prepared for that? If he does, he may still not ask you about you, and if that is what you are looking for, you may still be disappointed.

As @Sighs said, anything could be to blame, but blame whatever makes it less painful for you to bear. I hope you get some answers about your own health soon, the not knowing for sure about yourself is hell on wheels, never mind about anyone else.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

I heard about an interesting study last night:
Those who wanted to believe whatever they wanted to believe felt happier.
Those who saw the world, and life situations, as they truly are: reality : tend to be more depressed.

If you want to think about any situation the way you want it to be to feel emotionally ok, or to blame whatever you want it's o.k. It might make you feel better. (I'm all for comfort, reducing stress and feeling better!) There are good ways of achieving comfort - but without assuming how other people are feeling or why they are choosing to act the way they are.

Having faced a potentially terminal illness myself, I highly recommend the life-saving benefits of seeing things as they really are, of finding out the truth (no matter how much it may hurt), so that then you can make the healthiest and best possible choices. It can save lives when you know for certain what is truly going on.

Just my experience in escaping deadly illness, dealing with hurting people and taking care of myself. I have discovered, for me, truth wins hands-down over imagination. Truth has given me my life back. It took therapists years of pointing out conditioned, ingrained ways of make-believe thinking that was not helpful for my healing, to really see this; so I don't know if I can be of much help in two posts. I just care and want to shout "danger ahead!" so neither of you suffer unnecessarily. In severe illness truth can save lives.

I just hear a lot of pain and wondering in your question. If you don't know why he hasn't contacted you, to tell you, it could be for any number of reasons. Usually you don't learn of it for a long time as the person struggles, unless you ask with love and caring. Learning you have a frightening illness is devastating. Struggling to tell anyone else can be terrifying, with many conflicting emotions. PTSD can make this harder, but any sane person will be struggling, and often very quiet. President Jimmy Carter didn't tell his wife he had metastasized cancer until he finished his book tour. He wanted to both finish an obligation, and he most of all wanted to protect her, and tell her when he was calm and clear about his treatment options. This is being human, not mentally ill or planning to hurt anyone else... It's just being human.

You have every right, long-suffering and beautiful @Glara, and my full encouragement and blessing, to decide what to think or do!
This is your life, you get to choose out of any possible choice - what freedom and joy is inherent with such a rich inner life. It's also true that our choices have consequences.
What a powerful gift, and awesome responsibility, "Free Will" is!

I wish you all happiness and healing! It's not surprising that your adrenal glands are so stressed and overwhelmed! There are many good advances in the treatment of Cushing's, with both allopathic and complementary options. The mother of a friend of mine with Cushing's is doing very well and living a long, happy life. There is much you can do for you, and taking care of yourself and reducing your anxiety is paramount. Please don't let the death of his cat frighten you both. You have a much better life expectancy and far more treatment and self-care options than his cat had!

With my very deep respect, encouragement, concern, caring and wishing the very best possible choices and outcome for you both,
Deer

P.S. My mentioning ego was never intended as a slam or insult. I apologize if I hurt any feelings, as that is not my intent. I learned more about the surprising ways we hurt ourselves by worrying, imagining or assuming about what others are thinking, or doing, that pokes into our self-protecting ego. When that happens, we often react to our own assumptions with hurt, anger, and withdrawing when we could choose gentle, loving questions, instead. The venerable and very wise Vietnamese Buddist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh has written much about this. It is very healing, reading his works. This is a rarely discussed piece of wisdom that can bring incredible peace.

Or, what is a great reminder for me is what an earthy therapist said about when you assume to know what someone is thinking or feeling, "whenever I ASSUME it makes an ASS out of U and ME."

'nuff said, ask him loving, caring, wonderful gal!
:hug:

 

[Glara]

I'm just trying to decide if it's helpful or harmful to contact him. I don't want to put any more pressure on him if he's feeling overwhelmed but I feel horrible ignoring him as well. I also feel hurt that he's not asking about me when I've seen him show so much concern for others in the past. But at the same time I feel like if he's sick that's probably overwhelming him and if he's not I guess I hope he's not checking on me because it's too much to deal with rather than he just doesn't care.

On another note I've gotten the pre-authorization for my CT scan MRI. It should be this Weds barring any other unexpected delays.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

:hug: Glara:hug:

Helpful, helpful, helpful. Isolation, loneliness is deadly.
Love, caring, concern is healthy, healing...
Even if he can't handle it well, your reaching out will end up meaning more to him than anything else.

You also need comfort, healing, caring, companionship. Don't be alone much if you can surround yourself with loving, supportive people, pets, flowers, beauty, humor.... :hug:

Good luck, Wednesday! Even though you don't know me, my heart and thoughts are with you!:hug:

 

[nursenurse]

Finally! Good luck with the testing, I think you leave on vacay soon as well, I hope the change in scenery will do you good. Crossing my fingers and saying a prayer :)

 

[PTSD NON VETERAN mom]

If it wasn't for my husband's persistence I would of never had made the appt to have a patch of skin on my face biopsied, he even dialed the number. Even when we found out it was cancer he pushed me to get it removed by mohs surgery. I lost half my nose and all the way down including my upper lip. Went through major reconstruction surgery and still have one more surgery at least. I really didn't care about the cancer refused the radiation because my husband didn't know about that part and would never have gotten treatment if not for my husband and therapist. So reaching out to him and even his family could be life saving.

Sorry about your fears for your health. Having PTSD makes me not care for mine.

 

[Glara]

@PTSD NON VETERAN mom I hear what your saying but in my case he broke it off back in March. He actually said that he never promised or insinuated anything, which is not true. Idk if it was the PTSD talking or what. Afterwards I wrote him an email and poured my heart out to him. I told him the ball is in his court. I didn't want there to ever be anyway he could say I left him. I didn't expect to hear from him but he texted a week later. In May he said he wanted to see me and the next morning he texted he dreamt about me, then I heard nothing for 3 weeks. The time between texts is getting longer and longer.

He was suicidal from Oct until March that I know of. But he was getting himself tested without anyone making him. He always said he wanted to die but he got himself to the Dr to get tested. Idk the results of the biopsy. He said he'd keep me posted, That was over 4 wks ago, the day he was supposed to find out. I guess I feel that it must be bad and for some reason he doesn't want to tell me. I know if I texted he'd answer, but something is stopping me. I've told him over and over that I'm here and I'd come down if he needs me (he lives in another state). But if he can't tell me what's going on then I feel like it's time to let him go. It is gut wrenching to say that because I feel like I'm deserting him, but I can't desert someone that isn't there. So the more time that passes the more clear it becomes I just have to let him go....

 

[Glara]

So he texted on Wed. Said "I'm still here hope all is well", nothing about how his tests went, just his usual check in. Of course I asked, he said he's ok, just embarrassed by the scar. I've been so worried, thinking the worst, and he never told me he was ok...