Has anyone else ever felt guilty for being born

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have always carried with me a sense that I should not have been born. And that the fact that I was led to my mom dying when I was 6.

When my mom was carrying me she fell, and to stop her from miscarrying they gave her DES which is what they used at the time, DES was later taken off the market because it caused birth defects. Recent research showed DES actually breaks apart DNA.

She almost miscarried a total of 7 times according to my dad.

I was 5 when my CSA happened by a neighbor, then my mom got leukemia, and died when I was 6. I believe the DES started a chain of changes that led to her cancer.

It seems to me nature tried very hard to make sure I was not born and failed due to bad medicine. So I have always felt I should not be here. And that my birth actually resulted in my moms death because had she miscarried they would never of given her DES.

I obviously need to be talking about this with my therapist, but it would help if I had feedback especially from others who have had similar feelings.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

That's quite a burden you're carrying.

I cannot think of anything a six y/o can do (or be, for that matter) to cause a parent's death. Even if a child were to be violent at that age, she is not truly responsible for her actions. At that age, children do not fully comprehend the consequences of their actions.

Could it be you are remembering the events leading up to her death from a child's point of view? Children are naturally egocentric, and so believe that any negative event that happens is their fault - which is, of course, not true.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@BuckarooBanzai I added to the post after you posted, I have always felt if I were not born my mom would have lived.

 

[gealach]

@BuckarooBanzai I added to the post after you posted, I have always felt...

DES is a synthetic estrogen, prescribed for decades to pregnant women. There is a link between DES and an increased risk of breast cancer (for the mom), but there is no scientific link between DES and leukemia, or any other forms of cancer. Just the breast cancer (because DES is an estrogen).

You did not kill your mom. Not taking the DES, and you not being born, would not have saved her from leukemia. Nothing that happened to your mom is your fault.

Could it be you are remembering the events leading up to her death from a child's point of view? Children are naturally egocentric, and so believe that any negative event that happens is their fault - which is, of course, not true

Absolutely true, and natural for children to think this way, even though they aren't actually to blame.

Because the CSA and your mom's leukemia happened so close together, your 5/6 year old mind probably linked the events together, and caused you to create a story where you are guilty for what happened. You aren't responsible for the DES, the CSA, or the leukemia. I hope you can find some love for yourself, and let go of this burden you've given yourself carry. Your T can help you, if/when you can talk about it. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, I agree with @brokenEMT above.

Genetically speaking, if the use of the DES resulted in your mom's cancer within 6 years, it would be expected you would have displayed it or the results of genetic mutations as well (as you said the increased risk of birth defects), but more so acute lymphocytic leukemia in you. An acute form in your mom would have likely developed after, but as an adult she likely had the chronic form, often present 10 years or more before being discovered. Even the increased risk of breast cancer would be expected since it was an artificial form of estrogen.

My mom developed a relatively rare form of cancer, an adenocarcinoma as is associated with exposure to Des, but she did not take it, but had 4/5 preemies.

Fwiw, genes mutate and correct frequently, but sometimes the corrections go awry. There are even genes that change places, depending what genes they are beside. And sometimes during replication only part of the code is read, or seen.

The answer to your question from me is yes, I do feel that, as I was a mistake, so I relate to that. But no, you didn't cause it. What you might have done most likely is extended your mom's life by 6 years with the joy of her 'Miracle Baby'.

:hug:

 

[Friday]

I would walk out into traffic for my son.

It's not his fault I love him so much I'd gladly trade my life for his.

My son also isn't an accident, or a mistake. He's a miracle. I don't carry babies easily, and usually miscarry in the 1st or 3rd trimester. My body hates being pregnant. So to even get pregnant with him? He had to fight through 3 forms of birth control. Then he had to survive my body trying to kill him for 9 months (really, my body hates being pregnant). But he managed it! :D I had to fight my body really hard, too. Months of bed rest & medical problems (including cancer treatment), all just to get him here. :happy: My miracle baby. My little fighter. He made it. Could I have died in that process? Yep. A few different times, a few different ways. I could have chosen to abort him, it would have been safer for me. I didn't. My choice. I wanted him. Bad. Is ANY of that his fault? My body? My wants? My choices? No.

I'd be furious if he blamed himself for my body sucking. Like he had a choice in that? You can't choose your parents. If he blamed himself for my choices? I had to fight like hell to get him here. He had to be strong as blazes to get here. That doesn't make him a mistake. That makes him a fighter. A survivor. From day 1. Literally. :sneaky: He's an amazing kid. Always has been.

After being born? I'd walk through fire for him. I'd walk into traffic for him. I would -and have, and do- sacrifice a lot for him. Because I love him. And those are my choices to make. I'm allowed to love my son. I'm allowed to make choices to protect him. I'm allowed to choose to sacrifice things in my life. It's my life. And those are MY choices. Before he was born, while I carried him under my heart, I loved him. And after he was born, every second of his life I've loved him. I would have died for him, and still would. But he would never, ever, be to blame for that.

 

[Riot]

God-damned @Friday, I couldn't have said it any better myself. My little miracle is now a sassy four year old Princess (and she knows it!) but your story hit really close to home. :hug:

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Yes, I agree with @brokenEMT above.

Genetically speaking, if the use of the DES res...

@Junebug I actually did have a birth defect, which made me a weekly or more customer in the ER for my first 2 years of live due to life threatening fevers and convulsions. I also do have some rare genetic mutations, they just don't seem to be in places that cause cancer.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Omg @Friday im crying over here!

Yeah I feel guilty for being born my mum used to say all the time she wished she never had me. I wish I had a mum like Friday your son is a lucky dude.

 

[MoonOwl]

I get it. My dad died when I was nine. I was the only one home. He died in his sleep and I just thought he was sleeping. The adult part of me knows it wasn't my fault but the child part of me feels like she killed her dad. I cringe at those stories of three-year-olds who call 911 and save their mom's life. Those feelings, when they come up are the feelings of a child who doesn't understand the vagaries of reality. They represent the perfectly normal magical thinking of a child. When I'm feeling that, I try to connect with the child I was and let her know that everything will be alright.

 

[MoonOwl]

I know one thing for sure as a parent. Your mom and my dad would never want us to feel this way. As a mom, I would never want my child to feel guilty about something they were not responsible for - especially not in connection with me. It would break my heart... Based on that, I do my best to put these feelings in perspective and send the love and tenderness my father would have to my inner child. I do that for him and me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Its kind of hard for part of me to not think this way, yes I agree the child probably linked the CSA and her death being close together, but even as an adult I found evidence that the DES may have caused her cancer. Recent research showed DES actually breaks up dna itself, and my mom was not just given it to prevent one miscarriage, she almost miscarried 7 times according to my dad. So she probably was taking it almost her entire pregnancy. Enough to actually damage DNA that could then lead to cancer.

At this point in time, this really does not matter as much, what I think matters now is that I deal with it.

I know this is something I need to address in therapy, as it affects my core values and beliefs, until now I had not thought about the CSA being linked being so close, that aspect added the question is which therapist do I talk to about this.

I have an abuse therapist at the Life Crisis Center (Rape/Abuse Recovery center), and a regular therapist who I work on other issues.