Has Anyone Else Had This Problem? Emdr

[Deleted member 19804]

I have sexual abuse related PTSD and I've been seeing my current T for almost 6 months. She's very nice and intelligent and obviously knows what she's doing. I'm very glad she could and would take me in as a client.

We started EMDR at the third session, I think. We then repeated for a couple of times and sometimes we just talked throughout the whole session.

At some point I told her that when doing EMDR I can never fully concentrate on the mental "pictures" of my trauma I have to look at in my mind. It's like they're blurry (the "vaseline on the camera-lens" kind of blurriness) and I almost always "view" them from a distance, like I'm a different person who's watching me get raped.
Also, I have serious trouble feeling anything at those moments. Of course my antidepressants are blocking out a lot, but I feel like at best I'm barely scratching the surface of the emotions that are still buried deep inside of me.

Since I told her that, she said that it seemed that perhaps I wasn't ready for EMDR yet. It's been about 3 months now since the last EMDR session. Of course, I have to talk to her to find out what's really going on and I will, but right now it's still got me puzzeled at it all.

Has anyone here ever experienced anything like this in EMDR? Do you think I'm blocking the memories out? Or could it simply be caused by a general lack of concentration?

 

[indiangirl]

What is EMDR? and i block memories out to but i think its a way our mind tries to protect us from breaking down x x

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't comment on your exact experience, however I do want to say that there is a type of processing that has you view & process your trauma through a third person lens (at a comfortable distance). This was how I processed my trauma, so I think it's interesting that your mind is automatically taking you in that direction.

Perhaps your mind is telling you that you aren't ready for that type of processing or that EMDR isn't right for you?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you for your replies.

@indiangirl: EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desentization Reprocessing and is a form of trauma therapy, in which the traumatic event(s) are processed in a more healthy way, with your therapist as a guide.

@Solara: I didn't know that was a possibility of processing trauma. Thank you for sharing that with me. If you don't mind my asking; does that mean you have fully processed your trauma, even though you didn't do it the "first person" way? As in, that the EMDR part is finished?

 

[Hashi]

@indiangirl there's an article explaining it here
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/threads/eye-movement-desensitization-and-reprocessing.36826/[/DLMURL]
That whole section talks about some of the different types of therapy, it's worth a look if you're not very familiar with them.

@Snowwhite, I didn't have EMDR, I used other methods. But for quite a while I actually worked to keep things "through a distant camera lens" and I talked about it in the third person (she, her) - that was what I needed to do initially. Eventually, I was able to talk and think more directly about things that happened but I needed to build up to that.

I have no idea whether EMDR would be right for you later, but if you aren't ready now can your therapist work with you on/around trauma in a less direct way so that you're starting to process it more slowly and gently? What are you doing in therapy at the moment?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh, I only tried EMDR once and decided it wasn't for me. I have processed my traumas to the point where they are finally in the past. I'm currently working now on managing symptoms and getting my life back to a functioning point. So yes, I am done with processing even though I didn't do it in the first person way.

You may want to research the work of Dr Louis Tinnin of Morgantown, WV, USA as he pioneered the particular type of therapy I used to process my trauma. His practice is called Intensive Trauma Therapy (ITT). I'm not the only one on the forum who has been through his program. Maybe learning more about it would give you insight into your own processing?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Hashi: thank you. At the moment I am mostly working around trauma with my therapist. We're talking about my childhood, my day to day struggles, my relationships with others et cetera. The thing is, I don't know if I'm "not ready" for EMDR. Maybe because of my meds and because I've had trouble taking myself seriously since before I reached puberty. I just don't know.

@Solara: congrats on finishing the processing! And thank you for the tip on ITT, I will definitely look it up.

 

[Lucycat]

At some point I told her that when doing EMDR I can never fully concentrate on the mental "pictures" of my trauma I have to look at in my mind.

I got totally overwhelmed when looking at the memories, so I did it differently ( still using EMDR). I imagined myself to be on a wire that connected past to present - like a zip wire if you like. I would go back have a quick peek at the memory and then rush back to present, where I felt safe to continue the processing. It did take longer as sometimes I was looking at the memory for seconds at a time, however over time I was able to spend a little longer with the memory without spacing out or dissociating.

I found EMDR very helpful.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My T and I agreed to stop EMDR after the second session because we agreed that it wasn't working for me at this time. But really the whole process just didn't make sense to me. The whole this is what I felt and this is what I'd like to feel is alien to me, but even if I tried, it was like I was making it up using rationalisations. Then the rating of the feelings was even more alien to me because I made up the first bit, the second bit was more an assessment of how bad I felt the trauma was. The lights didn't work for me in the slightest as I couldn't think of anything and follow them at the same time, the buzzers were easier, but I still was just trying really hard to force the procedure and it was either just me trying really hard to choose/think things to try and make my T happy or me just becoming hyper-aware of the room -blinds, sunlight, plants, patterns on the carpet, sounds etc. To me that sounds similar to what you are saying in being unable to concentrate on the memories. It's like I'm trying to recall the memory of a memory/flashback rather than just remember the actual event.

The second session I dissociated like this and became aware of everything around me - which is very odd and unlike my normal dissociation. Then I completely shut-down and couldn't remember anything about myself - past/present or future. In the end we oddly became able to reconnect by talking about a dream and then instead I volunteered to speak about the memory that I was trying to focus on.

I must admit I was very disappointed that EMDR did absolutely nothing not even worked in a bad way, it just didn't affect me at all. I think I had pinned a lot of hopes on it helping me move on, I didn't even realise that until I realised it wasn't going to work. One thing that's good is my T thinks it might still work for me in the future, when I'm more able to deal with the trauma and my head doesn't freak out at the slightest idea of it and possibly have worked on my dissociative issues.

 

[marylouise]

Snowwhite -

I got through a tremendous amount of my trauma before techniques like EMDR existed. Talking to a qualified therapist is healing. What you describe of your EMDR session sounds very scary. I could certainly understand why your mind would shut down. Like Hashi said, it sounds like your processing needs to be slower than what EMDR can allow right now. Besides that, six months actually isn't that long to see someone for people like us with childhood sexual abuse histories. My experience is that I needed to trust that my therapist could support me during the EMDR sessions, and growing into trust is a process in itself.

ML

 

[desiderata310]

We started EMDR my third session as well but I would get triggered and shortly after we started EMDR I became suicidal because of everything that was coming up. The problems I was having was being triggered walking in to our sessions(because I got to a place where the EMDR was something I feared and the therapy felt like a torture session) and getting so triggered by the EMDR that it became too much to deal with; that is to say, I would relive the target event but I couldn't get to a place where I was able to look at it objectively.

Then I would get "flooded" (his term not mine) with other memories. He's told me some of the stuff I have said in a triggered state and (this freaks me out) I don't remember saying them. We had to finally back off and try a different approach. I have been going in for a month now with no EMDR; only talk therapy.

He's been clear that he's finally getting to know me when I am not 'triggered' and I am a much different person (well duh!). I am finally getting to a place where I almost trust him. I had a panic attack last week because my attacker (my estranged) sent me an email, which I just sent on to him. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have shared that with anyone and just freaked out on my own. My therapist managed to "talk me down" So.. we're making progress in the world of trust?

Yesterday's session was rough. He "checked in" with me about where I am with some stuff: if I feel it's my fault that certain thing happened and we got into a very tough discussion for me- about how everything had touched my kids. I cried a bunch but never got so far that I 'triggered'- we both saw that difference. Then again, we didn't get in-depth about any of the actual abuse. *sigh* that part is going to be tricky.

All that said to say that I think EMDR seems to be different for everyone and it may be that it's not right for you or that you really are not ready for it.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

It's like I'm trying to recall the memory of a memory/flashback rather than just remember the actual event.

Wow, that sounds really similar to the way I experience EMDR. Also the following of the lights is very difficult for me, too. I can't help but predict when she's going to stop the lights and at the same time I panic because I haven't found any emotion or memory yet. Add to that my T's carpet with all its different colours and patterns and my concentration is gone.

It's just so strange to me that I seem to have so much trouble with this. If I can concentrate on college lectures fairly well and can go to work, too, why is it so difficult for me to concentrate on a memory and some moving green dots?