Hating Myself

[Ronin]

I won't act on the plan du jour. Or the last one. Or any of the other ones.

Stick to this, Stickler, all puns intended. Proud of you for it, too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am reading this:
Link Removed

That looks like a cool book!

 

[Milo's papa]

Pardon, this is going to be unfocused.
My ex-guy...kept me from killing myself in 2011, when I first st...

Stickler, I know the pain of hating yourself all too well. It can take you to places even the Sun can't penetrate.
I also know that, if you give life a chance, it will pull you back from that abyss and show you that the Sun does indeed still shine and there are people who care and love you.
Try to forget about the people who turned their back on you when you needed them most. They weren't there for you then, don't give them any power over you now. I know that these are harsh things to say/hear, but they are the truth. I have read many of your posts and I truly believe that you have helped bring the Sun back for many others here.
PLEASE take care of yourself. You are a good, kind and insightful person, The right person will come along at some point and see all the good things that I have seen in you through your posts and responses.

 

[Stickler]

So you're a people variant of a black hole?

Black holes are fascinating.

Really dense. Some days there's an event horizon around my head. It makes it hard to see where I'm going.

 

[sun seeker]

Arggh.

I'm having one of those post-and-delete paranoid moments.

Sorry. I'm sorry it's so hard, but thank you for this thread.

 

[Sammyiam]

I think your pretty awesome sticky :)

 

[corvidae]

yes to having event horizons: make them work for you. flip that b*tch (not with physics but metaphorically) and use it to your advantage.

 

[Chava]

I relate to a good bit of your original post here. I barely find even basic friendships worth the effort. I did manage to get through college, even in very self-destructive years. I hope you can take care of yourself. And I'm not sure if these thoughts will help, but when I hate myself, it helps to just get outside myself and focus on something I love, or at least something that makes me a little curious (like the stuff I studied), and just go sort of a day at a time vs worry if it would all work out in the end for me (I've always had issues with imagining I'll even be alive in the next year, so in a backwards way I also used that to focus on the present...though still not always very easy).

My ability to focus externally has the dark side of keeping me disembodied at times, but it also helps me do stuff and not destroy myself. There are many things I am curious about (doesn't matter if I suck at them). I deserve to be here and learn more and try more. And you too.

It sounds like you are racking up points against yourself before barely getting started. Those thoughts, or any doubts, would be good to keep in check as you go, when you can. Just one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you're not in the same place you are in now. Might not mean you'll love yourself, but you owe it to yourself to keep trying.

Oddly enough, the basic appeal of " f*ck you, world, you won't kill me, I won't let you!" Is one that actually really works right now

I like that too and have felt that myself sometimes. That's the fighter in you and it's a good thing. The world is not trying to kill you right now, even if it feels very heavy. Just say f*ck it and do the next thing if you can.

I need therapy, dammit.

Thank goodness for knowing when/if we need extra help. That's like a #1 skill (not my forte, but working on it...and grateful for therapy).

Hang in there! I like having you around here.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Stickler love the cookies by the way ;)

You know what helps me when i get into that self loathing "I suck & hate me" times? Helping others (which you are VERY good at by the way; even asking me to tell you about my nightmares if I wanted :hug:) but helping others helps me. Im normally talking to myself too, making others smile, helping them to think of something differently, to make it known they arent alone (which makes me aware Im not alone), to make them know I care, is doing something for me too.

At that point in time, when Im that close to ending my own fight, to search for something that makes me happy will be an endless search and when I dont find it, it will cement even more that I shouldnt be alive; but if I can find someone, or many people, that I can help, that right there has always taken me out of that mind frame.

My therapist told me about a girl that had been severly sexually abused by her father (he tells me about a lot of past patients, without names of course) but she was stuck and couldnt seem to get out of the suicidal mindset and she was a 'well to do' professional, made a good amount of money, very well liked and needed at work, had a huband and children that loved and needed her but she was stuck feeling like 'i should just end my life' and being successful and having a family that loved her made it worse; made her feel like "I have all of this but feeling sorry for myself".

It wasnt until she started to volunteer at a place that helped people that had been sexually abuse, being the person that was just their friend when they needed one; like 'Big Brothers', not a stand in therapist, just a friend that they could talk to, spend time with, call or text or go out and have coffee with (wish I had one of those but he wouldnt tell me the place); until she helped others, telling them what she needed to hear too, being there for them the way she needed, helping them the way she needed help; until then she couldnt move, she couldnt take a step or take the fog off her eyes and mind. Theres just something about helping others that help us too! After that, she made the much needed steps in therapy and moved faster like she hadnt before and eventually didnt need therapy as much.

And thats what is so good about this site, and others, (sometimes online feels safer than real life), you can be there for others in that time when you need the most help! I have found that what I say to others, I also need to hear.

You have been that friend to me! That someone that was there when no one else was, my friend that I could vent to and I could tell you what I couldnt anyone else, offering to listen to things Im sure would of triggered you but you didnt care, all you wanted to do was to be that friend to listen and be there, and I thank you for that! I hope that I have been there for you too!

And as you already know, I keep my inbox open for you, and anyone, that needs that virtual friend!

You are loved! Very loved! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I like you too Stickler, I wish we could know beforehand the people who will hurt us again so we can avoid them. It's tough to hold on to your self-liking.

 

[Stickler]

@Cj77 :( that is the thing. I guess I/we have to be EXCEEDINGLY wary and be very, very selective about who we let in...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I care too. There is no conspiracy here to make you feel good and believe them to untrue because of how you are feeling right now. I think it is a very good thing for everyone that you created this post.

I used to hate and loathe myself as well and it was a trap until I learned that I could battle with the negative thoughts and stop inflicting more self abuse on me.

You sound so overwhelmed right now. Hang in there, it will pass and then it is up to you to start allowing the good stuff about you in as the truth. You do not come off the way you feel about yourself at all.