Hi
I decided to write a post here, as it just came do me, that I might have been molested as a child and don't remember it.
I'm 22 years old and have a fairly normal live, and generally I'm not experiencing the symptoms that should suggest I was abused.
BUT there's still something that worries me. I'm into BDSM (me being the dominated side). I do like regular sex, intimacy and I do not need to do anything super kinky to have an orgasm, but I definitely prefer rougher sex and it makes it easier for me to get satisfied. I guess it shows the strongest when I'm watching porn - I tend to watch quite hardcore stuff (humiliation/punishment/domination etc.). I think it's worth pointing out that I would very often actually not want this things done to myself - but I do get off to them and I find it rare for other porn to be really arousing.
I started watching porn early, I think around the age of 13. It started by just seeing some erotica on the TV in the night and then I started "exploring" the Internet and I found more and more. Again, on the beginning it was totally regular porn, but at some point I came across BDSM and really liked it.
I do realise that just liking BDSM doesn't mean anything, especially that it's not dominating my live, but there's one other thing that makes me wonder whether it's all "normal".
I used to masturbate a lot when I was a child. I think it started in the kindergarten when I was about 4 or 5 and lasted till when I was about 10 (and then started again when I was 12 or 13 - I remember there were a few years of a break). Again, nothing to be worried about, since this is supposed to be normal.
I don't know how often I was masturbating, I think probably daily, maybe a few times a day sometimes? I remember once doing it in the kindergarten (it was that time of day when we were all napping after lunch) but I was told that I shouldn't and I don't recall doing it publicly ever again.
I don't think it was really triggered by anything, I just remember really liking it.
What concerns me is the fact that I recall having some sort of fantasies while masturbating and I read that it's not common (or not normal at all?) in kids. I don't remember much of them really, nor do I remember if I had them every time when I was masturbating (I think I didn't), I just remember they were somehow related to humiliation. Like I got some memory of me being naked and "looked at" or something, or maybe punished somehow - it's all really vague. I don't remember any touching or anything in this fantasies, I believe it was just the humiliation/punishment element, not really anything sexual.
I don't recall being humiliated or punished in any way by anyone really, I was never punished at home.
At this point I think it might be worth adding, that I got loving parents with whom I've always had good relations. I don't recall anything bad happening to me when I was a kid, I don't remember ever experiencing any problems with closeness with them, I never felt bad when being hugged by one of them etc. Generally I think there's nothing that would suggest anything bad. I don't remember having any bad feeling regarding anyone in the family/close environment.
I do have memories from when I was 3 or 4 or 5, not many of them, but I think it's normal? From when I was 3 I remember moving to a new flat, and then a few situations from kindergarten when I was 4 or 5 or so, I remember my grandma vaguely (she died when I was 3 or 4) and I guess I could find a few more memories. I think that means that I do not have the lack in memory that would suggest I might have been molested and tried to "block it out".
I remember, when I was older (I don't know how old I was, but I must have been like 8 or 9 or 10?) and I was in the internet cafe (my dad needed to do something, so I was just standing there and looking around) and I'm quite sure I saw a man watching some sort of porn then. I've got no idea WHY he would do that, it was a regular internet cafe in the shopping centre in the computer store, but I remember very clearly seeing a man penetrating a women. It doesn't seem like it was a regular porn, more like some 3d whatever or something. Hard to explain, but I'm quite certain it was some sort of simulation of sex, maybe. Anyway, I do remember that this was something I have never seen before, so at this age I didn't know how sex looked.
I remember having some fantasies related to it later on.
I also remember a situation with my girl friend of this time, when she said something about sex and how it looks or whatever, and I didn't know that you would put anything (a penis, a finger or whatever) to the vagina. So it seems I didn't really know more about sex by this time.
I don't recall ever thinking that there might be something wrong with me or that something might have happened, EXCEPT for the fact that I was wondering where the hell did this childhood fantasies came from.
As I said, I generally don't have intimacy problems, sex problems or anything. For what it's worth I've always had quite "loose" attitude to sex, I didn't care too much about my first time etc. (I mean - I didn't have the need for it to happen with the guy I loved or have been with long term relationship or whatever, it happened with the guy that I liked and found attractive though), but then it was never by any means extreme - I was never overly sexual, I haven't had any crazy amount of partners etc.
Again, worth noticing - I was probably just raised this way, my parents are not religious or anything and I was always taught to just not do anything under any pressure, to use contraception etc.
Oh, I just remembered - I believe I had some sort or "intimate" problem when I was little, not sure what it was, I remember my mum taking me to the doctor. I must have been like 4 or 5 at that time I guess. Could this be some sort of a trigger? Maybe I felt embarrassed somehow at the doctors and I just found masturbation a way to "relieve" myself and then it just kind of stuck together later on?
Also, I know that my family (meaning my parents + I) were quite open in terms of nakedness. They found it natural and up to the time when I was probably like 6 or something (essentially - up to the time when a kid starts being embarrassed/starts having the need of intimacy) they were often walking around house naked etc. Can't really think of a reason how that would harm me, but maybe it's worth mentioning.
I'm totally freaked out at the moment, thinking that I might have been molested or something, as I generally like my life, I'm happy, haven't ever noticed any problems that would be unusual or that would suggest that I experienced something bad - except for the fact that this childhood fantasies are something really worrying to me.\
I know that I was exposed to porn really early (and it was nothing more that an accident and curiosity really) and I always thought this might have been something that made my interest in BDSM stronger.
After writing this post I think that it all might just be the reason of some sort of unfortunate event, like seing something on TV and interpreting it the wrong way or something...
But I'm afraid I might be blocking something out?
It just seems this childhood fantasies are something really weird and off, and it worries me a lot...
I would highly appreciate any responses. I'm planning to go to the councillor, but it's not gonna happen in the next few months, as I'm incredibly busy at work and then I'm away, and finding a good councillor takes time too...
Thank you in advance
I decided to write a post here, as it just came do me, that I might have been molested as a child and don't remember it.
I'm 22 years old and have a fairly normal live, and generally I'm not experiencing the symptoms that should suggest I was abused.
BUT there's still something that worries me. I'm into BDSM (me being the dominated side). I do like regular sex, intimacy and I do not need to do anything super kinky to have an orgasm, but I definitely prefer rougher sex and it makes it easier for me to get satisfied. I guess it shows the strongest when I'm watching porn - I tend to watch quite hardcore stuff (humiliation/punishment/domination etc.). I think it's worth pointing out that I would very often actually not want this things done to myself - but I do get off to them and I find it rare for other porn to be really arousing.
I started watching porn early, I think around the age of 13. It started by just seeing some erotica on the TV in the night and then I started "exploring" the Internet and I found more and more. Again, on the beginning it was totally regular porn, but at some point I came across BDSM and really liked it.
I do realise that just liking BDSM doesn't mean anything, especially that it's not dominating my live, but there's one other thing that makes me wonder whether it's all "normal".
I used to masturbate a lot when I was a child. I think it started in the kindergarten when I was about 4 or 5 and lasted till when I was about 10 (and then started again when I was 12 or 13 - I remember there were a few years of a break). Again, nothing to be worried about, since this is supposed to be normal.
I don't know how often I was masturbating, I think probably daily, maybe a few times a day sometimes? I remember once doing it in the kindergarten (it was that time of day when we were all napping after lunch) but I was told that I shouldn't and I don't recall doing it publicly ever again.
I don't think it was really triggered by anything, I just remember really liking it.
What concerns me is the fact that I recall having some sort of fantasies while masturbating and I read that it's not common (or not normal at all?) in kids. I don't remember much of them really, nor do I remember if I had them every time when I was masturbating (I think I didn't), I just remember they were somehow related to humiliation. Like I got some memory of me being naked and "looked at" or something, or maybe punished somehow - it's all really vague. I don't remember any touching or anything in this fantasies, I believe it was just the humiliation/punishment element, not really anything sexual.
I don't recall being humiliated or punished in any way by anyone really, I was never punished at home.
At this point I think it might be worth adding, that I got loving parents with whom I've always had good relations. I don't recall anything bad happening to me when I was a kid, I don't remember ever experiencing any problems with closeness with them, I never felt bad when being hugged by one of them etc. Generally I think there's nothing that would suggest anything bad. I don't remember having any bad feeling regarding anyone in the family/close environment.
I do have memories from when I was 3 or 4 or 5, not many of them, but I think it's normal? From when I was 3 I remember moving to a new flat, and then a few situations from kindergarten when I was 4 or 5 or so, I remember my grandma vaguely (she died when I was 3 or 4) and I guess I could find a few more memories. I think that means that I do not have the lack in memory that would suggest I might have been molested and tried to "block it out".
I remember, when I was older (I don't know how old I was, but I must have been like 8 or 9 or 10?) and I was in the internet cafe (my dad needed to do something, so I was just standing there and looking around) and I'm quite sure I saw a man watching some sort of porn then. I've got no idea WHY he would do that, it was a regular internet cafe in the shopping centre in the computer store, but I remember very clearly seeing a man penetrating a women. It doesn't seem like it was a regular porn, more like some 3d whatever or something. Hard to explain, but I'm quite certain it was some sort of simulation of sex, maybe. Anyway, I do remember that this was something I have never seen before, so at this age I didn't know how sex looked.
I remember having some fantasies related to it later on.
I also remember a situation with my girl friend of this time, when she said something about sex and how it looks or whatever, and I didn't know that you would put anything (a penis, a finger or whatever) to the vagina. So it seems I didn't really know more about sex by this time.
I don't recall ever thinking that there might be something wrong with me or that something might have happened, EXCEPT for the fact that I was wondering where the hell did this childhood fantasies came from.
As I said, I generally don't have intimacy problems, sex problems or anything. For what it's worth I've always had quite "loose" attitude to sex, I didn't care too much about my first time etc. (I mean - I didn't have the need for it to happen with the guy I loved or have been with long term relationship or whatever, it happened with the guy that I liked and found attractive though), but then it was never by any means extreme - I was never overly sexual, I haven't had any crazy amount of partners etc.
Again, worth noticing - I was probably just raised this way, my parents are not religious or anything and I was always taught to just not do anything under any pressure, to use contraception etc.
Oh, I just remembered - I believe I had some sort or "intimate" problem when I was little, not sure what it was, I remember my mum taking me to the doctor. I must have been like 4 or 5 at that time I guess. Could this be some sort of a trigger? Maybe I felt embarrassed somehow at the doctors and I just found masturbation a way to "relieve" myself and then it just kind of stuck together later on?
Also, I know that my family (meaning my parents + I) were quite open in terms of nakedness. They found it natural and up to the time when I was probably like 6 or something (essentially - up to the time when a kid starts being embarrassed/starts having the need of intimacy) they were often walking around house naked etc. Can't really think of a reason how that would harm me, but maybe it's worth mentioning.
I'm totally freaked out at the moment, thinking that I might have been molested or something, as I generally like my life, I'm happy, haven't ever noticed any problems that would be unusual or that would suggest that I experienced something bad - except for the fact that this childhood fantasies are something really worrying to me.\
I know that I was exposed to porn really early (and it was nothing more that an accident and curiosity really) and I always thought this might have been something that made my interest in BDSM stronger.
After writing this post I think that it all might just be the reason of some sort of unfortunate event, like seing something on TV and interpreting it the wrong way or something...
But I'm afraid I might be blocking something out?
It just seems this childhood fantasies are something really weird and off, and it worries me a lot...
I would highly appreciate any responses. I'm planning to go to the councillor, but it's not gonna happen in the next few months, as I'm incredibly busy at work and then I'm away, and finding a good councillor takes time too...
Thank you in advance
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