Have I Experienced Dissociation?

[Brinsanity]

When my youngest daughter was 3 months old, my husband found her in her bassinet by our bed, not breathing and was blue. He woke me by handing me our lifeless daughter. I checked her pulse and began CPR. Her heart was beating faintly and she began to breathe on her own, then would fade again. I had to preform CPR for nearly 13 minutes before the ambulance arrived. She survived without any brain damage. This event I was completely calm. I didn't cry, I didn't shake, I moved through the motions as a nurse, never feeling emotionally attached to the situation. It wasn't until we were in the 2nd hospital and the doctor was sitting across from me, explaining he believes she survived SIDS, that I actually began to feel everything from that morning.

This is just one example of many, although none were this kind of extreme circumstance. I can remember everything I did, or that took place, but only like it is a dream. And during the moments when everything is falling apart, I was completely held together. I didn't lose my composure until I was alone, later, going over in my head if I did all the right things, or until someone else made me check back in to reality.

I can't understand why I can handle extreme circumstances and I can not handle something small, like spilling my coffee or a commercial for starving children. Is this dissociation?

 

[mamachick]

I dont know if that is dissociation but I have experienced similiar. When there is a crisis, my survival skills kick in and I easily cope in a way that seems almost detached from the situation. When the crisis is over, I tend to collapse. I suffer exhaustion following the event.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

Dissociation takes many forms. You can be co-conscious or not. When you dissociate and remember everything you are co-conscious. So, you may have dissociated but it's also possible you just went into crisis mode as a mom. (which, by the way, WOW what an amazing story of saving your daughter!)

Do you have other symptoms of dissociation? Are there frequent blank spots of memory? Do people often talk about things you've done together that you don't remember? Is your childhood spotty? Are you able to feel the range of emotions like fear, sadness etc without shutting down?

A professional therapist is the only one who can diagnose you, but you are asking a very good question.

 

[Brinsanity]

I don't really have any blank spots- except at night after a night terror. My childhood, unfortunately, is all very present in my memories. My rape has never let a single detail escape, except I was in and out of consciousness during the abuse- because I was drinking and was being beaten.

Other than moments of crisis, I am ever present. I just have a hard time understanding exactly what dissociation is. Is it completely checking out? Is it another personality takes over? Is it like watching yourself from the outside with no emotion? It is all so much to take in.

 

[piratelady]

Typically when I dissociate (or what I understand dissociation to be), everything becomes foggy. It is almost like being drunk...you kind of know what's going on, but you don't feel totally in control and the events going on aren't completely clear.

I recently had a flashback and I think I dissociated afterwards...I remember nothing after the flashback until I was on my way home from the triggering event.

I think it varies for people, but that is my experience.

 

[Inspired 2 B Free]

B,
I agree with piratelady - I think it does vary for different people.

My dissociation has been both the foggy type and the blank type. I would have said I remembered everything of certain events but come to find out ...nope! If you are dissociative your internal system is able to cut out a portion of something and seamlessly connect the beginning and end. You would never know you missed something important in the middle. It's just how dissociation works, it's to protect.

I would encourage you to see someone trained in dissociation to find out a professional opinion/diagnosis.

 

[anthony]

I can't understand why I can handle extreme circumstances and I can not handle something small, like spilling my coffee or a commercial for starving children. Is this dissociation?

I'm not sure if what you describe is dissociation. Maybe some derealisation, more so than dissociation.