Have Really Pushed Her Away

[Caceru]

Hi all,

Ive got problems that have likely affected many others on here.

My ex has PTSD and has experienced multiple rapes, sexual assaults and beatings.

We had been colleagues and friends for a year then got together and lasted 5-6 months

She confessed what had happened to her and started pushing me away. The relationship ended.

We had sort of found some equilibrium at work but I contacted her a couple of times- twice by letter, once online and once asking to be friends. She rebuffed all of these and Im aware our relationship is well and truly over.

However, there was still a connection- I could feel her looking at me at times, if I ever was aloof or distant with her it really angered her. My last letter basically asked her if we have a future together. (stupid I know)

Unsurprisingly she rebuffed me again. And this is where it gets unpleasant. Angry at the months of rejection Ive had from her I sent her a really nasty text. The next day I was also angry around her at work, to the extent she had to involve a senior.

While we were talking I was aggressive to her- telling to get to f***. I suffer from a bipolar illness and when frustrated can get very aggressive. Im also a big guy who looks intimidating. I was unaware at the time but later the senior (who is my friend) told me she was shaking in fear.

I feel so guilty that I have done this to such a sweet girl. I know she cant help what shes doing. I know shes suffered from aggressive men and I seem to have become one of those. Ive tried to apologise but she is naturally really angry and cannot accept it.

All I can do is try to keep my distance and be as neutral as possible to her.

Im struggling to deal with all of this though. We had an incredible relationship prior to her confessing, and Im so frustrated and am still grieving at the end of it. And Ive now added to her stressors and confirmed all of the negatives.

What can I do? Im tempted to try and write and apologise but I suspect that the best thing to do is leave her be.

Has anyone else had this reaction to being pushed? I feel like a real asshole for doing it

 

[Helaru]

I'd treat her like a nice person that you just met on the street (say with her boyfriend). She's still a nice person. Just not your GF. Give her a chance to think of you as a nice person.

Bear

 

[Oge]

I would encourage you to apologize, not just by saying "I'm sorry that happened," but take full responsibility for the fact that you a) reacted with anger at being rebuffed, which is her decision and her right to assert her feelings. B) you brought your personal frustration to work with you. C) you violated her professional space and made her feel unsafe at work by expressing personal anger in a professional environment that she has a right to feel secure in.

You might be the only man who has ever accepted full responsibility for acting in a manner that was aggressive and inappropriate in her life. Don't expect forgiveness, friendship, or even a discussion of your personal relationship. By bringing your frustration and your own mental health struggles to work, you have made this a professional issue between colleagues that should not have transpired. As a co-worker, I think it is your obligation to extend your remorse for making her feel unsafe because of a romantic decision made outside the boundaries of work, and especially given her history, I think it is important for her to understand you know this was wrong and not her fault.

Since you've scared her by confronting her personally, and you admit you are an intimidating-looking guy, maybe write her a letter expressing all of this, and ensure she knows that you have no expectations of a response.

My two cents.

 

[Itiv]

I think you should keep your distance. She's made it clear she doesn't want you in her life.

And, for what it's worth, I think you should stop referring to her sharing details of her past with you as 'confessing'

She confessed what had happened to her

We had an incredible relationship prior to her confessing,

Confessing implies guilt.

 

[Rofe]

I think you should quit all contact with her now, deal with your issues and let her deal with hers. I wouldn't even say hello to her. Completely disconnect now before one of you surpass professional boundaries and get sacked.

 

[Elan]

I'm in total agreement that you need to leave her alone. It is never ok to be treated that way at work or anywhere else.

Disclosure of traumas is not "confession" but was trust extended.

I wouldn't go near her but you may think about sending her an apology card. But only send it after having a mentor look at it so you are taking responsibility for your actions and not communicating in a passive-aggressive manner.

Good for you for learning this about yourself. Now you have something you can work on as a target in the therapy room. You might find your next relationship to be healthier and more rewarding when you do.

~ BloomInWinter

 

[Ohoc]

Geez, just leave her alone already, you have done everything, she has clearly drawn her line in the sand. Quit trying to assuage your own guilt by going over her clearly defined boundary, and call it a day. Learn and move on.

 

[Caceru]

Hi there,

thanks for all the replies.

Theres some great advice in here. Also, I apologise for using the word confessing- I absolutely dont feel she has anything to be guilty for and it never even crossed my mind that there could be any negative connotation to the word. My sister also pointed out that a major emotion she will be feeling is shame.

I hadnt even thought of that either but it makes sense- although I feel she has nothing to be ashamed of.

One thing Id like to clarify- I wasnt angry at her rebuffal. Far from it, I expected it. I was frustrated at the months of being pushed away but not being allowed to leave- the push me/ pull you Ive read about elsewhere. I wanted to push her away so I could move on. I certainly never wanted to go into a rage (I have a bipolar illness) but whats done is done.

It still doesnt excuse what I did and even now after several months Im utterly ashamed of it.

I decided to try and keep things light and amenable. My desire was to write and apologise but I felt even that would be for me- not her. Also, she told me not to contact her again. Actions speak louder than words.

For a couple of months I accepted the anger and dislike and kept a low profile and kept it light.

She was terrified that id tell everyone what happened and she would have to face awkward questions. I havent- and wont do that.

Then one day, we had a really good day. we worked really well together and I thought we had turned a corner.

Since that day however, she has completely blanked me. She wont even sit for lunch -( which we all do as a team)

Im starting to get frustrated again and Im trying not to let it show, but Im sure there will be nonverbals leaking to telegraph to her.

Im stuck how to progress. I dont want either of us uncomfortable at work- Id rather it wasnt even an issue but unfortunately it is. I want both of us at ease. I dont want to discuss her past, or even be friends, though I do hope we could eventually be friendly.

And I certainly dont want to trigger anything for her, so Im not sure if I should even talk to her about it.

 

[Caceru]

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

Ive decided Im going to try and talk to her.

Im going to apologise (again) and say that I hope we can find some way forward that suits us both.

If we cant, Ill offer to move to another department.