Having A Bad Day...

[mamachick]

Hi Courage,
I am so glad to hear from you and that you have been doing better with the exception of yesterday.

Are you thinking of leaving your family because you are feeling a burden and the tasks seem monumental? I don't know your whole situation, but I know I have always been told that it is best not to make major decisions when we are feeling the worst. Of course, unless the situation/environment is causing the feelings, such as in situations of domestic violence.

I know that depression plays a major role for me in my indecisiveness. I long for the day when I knew the answers. I know that it can consume my head going back and forth trying to make a decision.

Im glad to hear that you are trying to get out. That is a big step and shows your motivation and strength in going out to shops.

Again I am so glad you talked to your T about your SI. Did your T have any suggestions to help? I know how hard it is to talk about even with T. I think it is very positive that you have hope tomorrow will be better, because that is often the case. This does not last forever.

I can relate about the anxiety. I put things off because of it. Yesterday I finally decided to make a trip to Wal Mart out of necessity. I had my list and though I could be real quick. Then I heard a woman addressing me. A very friendly neighbor that I never see. She was with her daughter. I forced myself to go beyond the hello and moving on. Soon I found myself in a 20 minute conversation. Meanwhile, another friend I have not seen in 2 years came down the aisle. A big hug and 20 minutes of conversation. It was what my old "normal" would have been, but I felt somehow like it wasnt really me, that I was not totally present. After all of this, I still had 3 items on the other side of the store that I could just not retrieve and headed straight for the register.

I know it sounds rediculous, but connecting with people just wiped me out. I love people. I genuinely care how they are and what is going on in their lives. The old me would have been energized by this, now it causes anxiety. I think it is tied to shame for me. I sense that others know all my business and they dont. So I gave myself credit for stopping and talking and catching up. I know that connection with people is so important, yet I feel defective and not worth their time. I dont know if you can relate or will find it helpful in any way, but I want you to know you are not alone. There is no "normal" in our attempts to do day to day things and while the experience may be unique in ways for all of us, we have to keep trying. And we survive.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Brat

 

[CourageofSnow]

Hi Brat,

Thank you for your kind words. I couldn't go to work today. Anxiety and depression..

Spoke to my T re wanting to leave/end it all, and we discussed that it was because I am feeling trapped and unsafe, due to PTSD not anything else.. When I was a child there was no where I could go that my stepfather wouldn't find me..

I understand how you feel re talking to friends. I want to be around people but I am exhausted afterwards. Somedays all I can do is go to work and then I have nothing else to give to my family..

Wanting to leave my job some days as it is all so overwhelming. I don't feel like I have the energy to go on. I am physically tired, emotionally exhausted..

Sorry if I am whinging.. I just have days. Some days are good, others not so much.

 

[CourageofSnow]

Hi,

Today was not a good day. I slept in till 1pm. Didn't have breakfast and then had to go to the dr's for a referral as the previous psychiatrist she had referred me to wasn't taking any new clients.

Anxiety and depression set in, and I briefly considered jumping off the edge of the wall at the mall ( I was on the second floor). I really don't like that these thoughts enter in my head. I stood by the wall for just a second before I came back to reality and moved away and went into the dr's.

I am feeling so overwhelmed.

I feel like I have to give up a job that I love as I just can't cope anymore. The fact that I am having suicidal thoughts means I am not well..

I have had the last couple of days off work, and have been able to have some sleep which has been wonderful, and today was the first day that the anxiety levels increased since being off work.

I have had bouts of rage today as well. I was yelling at my daughter because she didn't eat all her dinner.. I apologised afterwards but still, it isn't her fault, and I have no right to yell at her..

How do we get better?? My hubby has been doing reading and seems to think that I won't get better I'll just learn to manage the symptoms.

I want to be completely healed of this. Surely I am entitled to peace and joy.

Positive thinking and deep breathing just isn't cutting it for me at the moment...

 

[mamachick]

Dear CourageofSnow,

I have experienced feeling trapped and that being the cause of SI, but for different reason associated with ptsd I believe. It feels awful but we have to remind ourselves that it is our mind playing a trick on us, because we do have some amount of control. We must remind ourselves of this often because at times it does not feel like it. The serenity prayer is so simple yet does mean so much.

Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad you stopped yourself and went on to the drs. Im glad you have gotten some time off of work. Are you able to take a leave of absence? None of us are perfect parents and you recognized and apologized-that says a lot.

I wish that I could say we could be completely healed but I honestly dont know that. I do really believe that we can heal, we can learn to manage, and our frame of mind can change completely. My T says I have ptsd from childhood and I can look back and see periods of symptoms. Yet I got so well that I was able to be very high functioning for many years (undiagnosed). More recent trauma's put me back hard. So I think we can heal and we will have to be kind to ourselves and needs to stay well.

I can compare it to CFIDS and Fibromyalgia. I have it and was diagnosed at age 30. No cure and it will always be there. I learned that stress reduction was key, then good nutrition, staying very hydrated, then some exercise, and maybe the biggest factor was stable and regular sleep schedule (without exception). I slept from 11 pm to 7 am regularly. I let nothing interfere with this. I recovered to very high functioning. Now there were times hubby and I went to party and threw sleep off. If I get right back on track-I was ok. But I knew that I could never waver from my schedule on ongoing basis. Once I did when we had a death in family. Few days of disrupted sleep threw me off for 4 months. I compare ptsd to this. I think we can recover to be high functioning but we will always have to guard ourselves and provide protective factors. I hope this makes some sense.

People with diabetes are never healed, as with many other disease/disorders. What is most important is knowing that the symptoms can be releaved and you can live a long and fulfilling life, and I do think that can happen.

Was Dr. able to help today? I do not know if you are on meds but for some I think it is very necessary. Are you going to therapy? That has been a must for me but not even touching the trauma for the most part, just helping me get my thinking straighter and getting some hopefulness back. We are all at different places so it is essential that our T meet us where we are at the moment.

You are entitled to peace and joy and I am betting you find it. Hopefully your husband is a good support for you. Sending strength and encouragement your way, and know that I dont think you are whining. I am hear to listen and am thinking of you.

 

[CourageofSnow]

Thank you Brat. Your words are very kind. I pray daily and have faith that I will be healed.

The Dr gave me a referral for another psychiatrist and hopefully I will be able to see her next week. I am currently on fluvoxamine and diazepam. I see my psychologist every fortnight.

Today was good. I have made a casserole, had a nap, and filled a box of donations for the upcoming school fete.

 

[mamachick]

Dear courage,

You have been very productive. I am glad that you had a good day. Just know how much others care about you and we are a group of survivors here, and always here for you.

 

[CourageofSnow]

Thank you brat.

I have struggled today. Feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Tomorrow I will be asking my work if I can go down to two days a week, if not then I will quit. I currently work full time and have not been coping for a while. I have been surviving only - I feel like I am merely existing from day to day.

Is it normal to be on such an emotional rollercoaster?? I have battled with suicidal thoughts all day. I want these things to stop. I am mentally exhausted.

Today I ended up going outside, sitting in the sunshine and my puppy licked my face and hands while I cried. I love my dog so much. He is never in a bad mood and always has time for pats and cuddles!

I would like to say thank you for all of your support. I find myself on this forum more often than not when I am having a bad day and I always find some words of comfort or support. Thank you for your ongoing contributions.