I realize that I keep poking my head into these threads to be a bit of a debby downer. I don't mean to be, but some things raise a, say, pink flag sometimes and I just want to give a different perspective.
Yes, when handling PTSD sufferers, keeping it light, simple, non-confrontational, easygoing, and, most importantly, not about us, is the best way to keep it smooth sailing. That can work...but should it?
When they are symptomatic, of course it is better to not take it personally and leave them alone. But there is a difference between doing that and overriding the real pain, suffering, and crossed boundaries to keep someone around by acting as if all is well.
I’ve also noticed that when my ex and I were keeping things simple, he was so responsive and caring. When were involved, he would be stressed. You actually just helped me discover how to approach things if we can reconnect.
How sustainable and fair is this to YOU? Putting it kindly, this kind of approach is selling out what you truly want, feel, and desire. Putting it not so kindly, this kind of thinking amounts to emotional manipulation along the lines of having cracked someone's code and morphing ourselves into something that will get us what we want from them.
Keeping it easy and simple is only healthy when it's an outgrowth of the true, deep, and sustainable emotional distance we have acquired through working on our own emotional state and
accepting the status quo. It only works when YOU want to keep it simple, not because you know he wants to. If we're not there yet, keeping it light and easy isn't going to last. It will only serve to hurt us even more because we've created a sandcastle illusion that if only we did XYZ, they will come back. Thinking like this is the negotiation phase of grief that amounts to magical thinking.
The solution, of course, isn't to make a scene and pester them instead. It's to realize your limitations and keep good boundaries to protect yourself from having to put on a show until you're more healed and/or ready to accept any outcome they may present to you.
I only started being able to really keep it light and easy with my SO with any degree of self-respect once I detached myself enough to really not care what he thinks and managing my own personal well-being first.
This:
I’m not gonna bug him or ask for answers. However, I do feel like it benefits me not to see him as often.
and this:
I will take space and focus on myself. And what makes me happy. Im not used to it, but I will do it.
is the way to go.
I know he wants to see me often, but is it fair of me to say no?
It's absolutely fair. And I'd venture to say it's the first step to regaining your balance and truly being able to have the distance, emotional and otherwise, to not only see this clearly, but to give him what he needs: time and space. Anything else sounds like pure torture to me. For you, I mean.
