Having A Bit To Rough Day

[Bloomy]

Yes. I just managed not to cut my self instead i smoked against all rules in the middle of the day. Now I must be high the rest of this day which I actually dont like to be but I dont know how to handle this pain that feels like its tearing me apart. Is it the subconsiensly self talk? Or is is that right now there are some really huge obstacles in my life to overcome like how to pay houserent and how to keep the faith that I also can have a job like other people have and a safe stabile income that one can live of? Or is it a combo in addition to the ptsd and I cranck up totally? Feels like I want to vomit again. I know I need to eat. Stop smoking as much as I do right now. Do something constructive.

I was not so bad this morning. Then waisted the day doing really not so much but pretending I was do. Then i got a grip and started home work. Until shortly after I couldnt understand it and Ive tried to do this subject so many times before to over so many years and havent gotten any further then this. Not understanding. And I have no clue who else then my self need to chill down and not get sp stressed and do the homeowrk step by step and not give up so easly and then maybe Ill understand it in the end? In school they started teaching on computer and its new and little dificult for me to handle. I like teacher explain things to understand.

Then I was stupid to call the counsler phone. Not stupid maybe but. I wanted to talk with AK one last time. I know They dont want me to use them any more. She is to nice that woman and hurts so deep that she is. Every thing Ive looked for all these years searching for some one to understand me, see me, validate me and support my way out of this mess. And I new that there where limited time that I could talk with her. But still it hurts so bad to hear her voice and all the understanding and empathy and belive she have in me and then no that this is the last time I can talk with some one like that for ever so long. I dont want to feel attached to her or needy but Im like been walking in the desert for so long and Ive been so thirsty that when I first got the taste of the water I obviously wanted more.

Sun is shining and I guess to resettle I must go out. Not stay inside and drown. Why stay in when all hope is out?

But Im trying to move and Im kinda paralysed. The thing with AK hurts so bad and I cant understand why this should bring me so much down as this?

 

[trying2movefwd]

@Bloomy Sorry your starting out rough. Im glad to hear you didn't cut. It sounds like you have huge obstacles. Also the paralyzed feeling. I know it well. For me that's when I self talk.."just put two feet on the floor and stand up trying". Often if I can get myself to just do that then the next action comes a little easier.

 

[rosey]

Sorry you are having a bad day. Getting outside sounds like a good idea so go for it.

It is hard not being able to talk to your therapist anymore. I know how hard it is as i have just left one who was lovely same as you she really believed in me. It hurts but will settle given time. I find it helps to recall all the positive stuff she said and do what i believe she would be tell me to do.

 

[Bloomy]

seems I did manage to self harm according to wound on the arm. Just didnt feel it as I was busy thinking I shouldnt.
Just despair right now cause Im so tired of being alone supporter for save my self project. And to hear such a nice supportive person as Ak on phone. I know Im in need to talk to some one about things that bottles up and there isnt any one to talk to. Is wear sme out. One of those days where Im thinking mother was right and why do I even bother to resist what was ment to be.

 

[rosey]

It is soooo hard when you dont have support. I am my only support network too so can understand the loneliness and sadness that this creates. Sometimes all you need is a hug and someone to listen right?

There are far too many people in a similar situation although that offers little comfort.
I deal with it better now after giving into to self care and self compassion. Takes time but helped me fell better able to support myself.

 

[Bloomy]

@rosey right. ive pratice self comp and such but days like this - hugs and understanding would be better as Its very hard to drag a 65 kg sack of potatos (me being the potato sack) out of the basement alone.

 

[rosey]

Sending a big hug your way. Just get through today and wishing you a better day tomorrow.

 

[Bloomy]

@trying2movefwd - I did put one foot in front of the other and slowly got out of the house. Quite a walk in the forest I did.

Thankful for this help from you both - supportive thoughts helps.

 

[rosey]

@trying2movefwd - I did put one foot in front of the other and slowly got out of the...

Well done glad to hear you got out. Heres to tomorrow

 

[Bloomy]

Haha @rosey must be my gallows humor cause now you even made me laugh with your sentence heres to tomorow. I think I even throw in a little Annie here a well.

Yeah a rough day. Little embarresd about it all but guess its what its like to live with ptsss...

 

[rosey]

Haha @rosey must be my gallows humor cause now you even made me laugh with your sente...

Yes the sun might even come out haha (my daughters favourite song to sing too)

Glad you got a giggle. And as for embarrassed i am sure we all have a catalogue of embarrassing moment i mean who hasnt walked out of a loo with their skirt in their knickers.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I think we can all relate to those difficult days when maybe the only thing you can do is post on MyPTSD! I'm sorry you self-harmed, but glad to hear that you got out today and took a walk in the forest. I didn't get any further than from my bedroom to the living room, lol.

When I have these kinds of days I wind up sleeping all day. I put myself into what I call a "sleep coma." At least I can catch up on sleep and not self-harm (mostly) and make the day pass faster and hope that tomorrow is better.