Having A Dissociative Disorder Sucks!

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi...

I had therapy today. Got to a certain point and my T and I got to be talking about my feeling that being abused was my fault.

She said that children who are abused have no choice but to blame themselves. She asked if that made sense to me, and I said not exactly (why would a child have no choice?) and she asked me if I wanted her to explain.

I said yes.

So she explained and I thought I was getting most of it, just faded out a few times.

Next thing I know, I am spending the whole rest of our session extremely dissociated...

Could not feel my body and looked like it wasn't me (same with her office, which feels like it is in a whole different time zone than my self or my body is in), and weird sensation of like this big blank space opening up in my head. I'd drag my consciousness forward again, trying to focus, get my mind back where it was supposed to be, and it would happen all over again. Again. And again. And again. Was still happening at the end of the session.

I was kind of scrunched up and hugging myself, and I had to unclench my arms which was unbelievably difficult, so I could try moving my arms and my legs, did not do any good and when I took my arms down and tried to relax like she said I just heard all this screaming in my head and fragments of just horrible things--nothing concrete, but really unpleasant all the same. So not being tense wasn't good. Try as I might, I couldn't get my head back where it belonged and focus. I couldn't get my body back. And I tried, I tried really hard.

I couldn't understand why I couldn't tolerate my body. Didn't understand why it was happening. Then she said it started when she was talking to me. That she had said too much and I needed her to stop because I didn't want to (or couldn't) hear any more, so I dissociated.

She said that dissociating is like a way of saying No.

Except I had no idea it was even going to happen or that was bothering me when she was saying it. I thought I was listening. Then I left her office after my appointment and realized I couldn't remember anything she said... So I think she maybe has a point there.

But how am I supposed to remain present and STAY, how am I supposed to come back once I've gone away, when I tried as hard as I could and I couldn't get back... How am I supposed to know when I can't handle any more and it's going to happen if I don't know when that is going to happen or that it is bothering me?

And, most of all, how am I supposed to stay on planet earth long enough to work through any of this, if I'm already taking a mental and physiological vacation on this one conversation? I haven't even TALKED to her yet about things I *know* will cause dissociation.

I feel like I am starting back at square 1. You would never know I spent all these years working on myself :( Here I am, not able to tolerate this... And having to learn how to do things that seem to be flat out impossible at the moment. Like stay present. Like not dissociate. Like come back when I'm dissociating. Like knowing I'm going to dissociate before I dissociate, and knowing something is hurting enough to cause that when I don't know I'm hurting. Hearing something I think I am hearing only to find out not that long after, I didn't hear it.

It was so bloody hard to try and ground myself, so much work, and I COULDN'T EVEN DO IT. No matter how much I tried.

I'm just so frustrated. This shouldn't be such a big obstacle, yet it feels huge. And I can't help but think if this requires so much work... how long is it going to take me to get through all of it???

:( :cry: :( :cry:

 

[Abrasky]

I think it sounds like you are going through a rough time, and probably have things coming to the surface, that are upsetting you at the moment. Dissacotiation can also be a sign of progress, it can be a part of the healing process.It is not always a bad thing, though it sucks. Make sure you take it easy.

feel like I am starting back at square 1. You would never know I spent all these years working on myself :( Here I am, not able to tolerate this...

Yep agree
And grounding yourself isn't something that can be done easily with trauma memories. My psychologist explains that the old memories don't store right and flood the short term memory. Unless they are set back properly so they stay in the long term memory, they flood the short term memory. Other people can ground themselves easily because all their memories stay in the long term memory I think.

 

[Srain]

(((hugs)))) Phoenix, this sounds a lot like how I felt starting out the process last year. Actually, I was pretty pissed off about it all as well as afraid. My tdoc explained that I actually did not waste my time all those years in therapy it was the road I needed to take to get here, at times I'm still not completely convince, truth be told but what's done is done. The dissociation within her office might be your fear of beginning this part of the deeper process, the letting go and surrendering to some serious cleaning up of your trauma.

What will help the dissociation is the grounding tools like touching the couch, holding a special item you have, feeling, learning the breathing techniques (for me learning to remember to stop holding my breath), things of that sort are important and go along way to "coming back". This is the tough work, I'm finding and others here are telling me it's the path to recovery. I believe it.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I think were very brave in your therapist office and it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Take good care of yourself.

Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you both, for the advice and the reassurance... I am going to try to think of this as progress and not backsliding... It is probably true that I needed to do everything I already did to get to this point (though I guess I just thought I'd be further along than it feels like I am right now) but I guess it's a one step forward, three steps back sort of thing right now... I am going to try and figure out what I could try as a sort of safe object(s) and see if that helps... Because at least yesterday the couch and floor thing, not so successful... But maybe I need more than one thing.

Feeling overwhelmed today still, but don't really know why... Just feel like there's a lot going on inside me though not really sure what it is.

Anyway thanks for responding, and what you said really helps :)

I suppose I should thank my psychologist... (LOL.) She picked this woman because she does a body-centred type of therapy, which she thought might be helpful for me, and because the woman was familiar with dissociative disorders (or so I would infer, what she actually said was current t is familiar with DID, so I would assume she is familiar with all the others as well). Turns out she picked right. Even if I feel horrible. :rolleyes:

Phoenix_Rising

 

[maddog]

Hugs to you mate,I know how horrible and upsetting and confusing it is to be in that place where your mind and body feel like they're waging war against your therapeutic progress.

I think that the role and participation of your T are critical in this process as well. What I have found helps me is for my T to be very interactive in encouraging me to stay grounded as we proceed. While I no longer tend to dissociate in the way you described, I can become overcome with dabilitating distress in the matter of an instant, which has the same effect, ie, inability to continue with the therapy, inability to remember what has occurred afterwards etc.

Thesedays T knows me well enough to spot my impending meltdowns almost before I can, and we have worked on incorporating grounding and reality checking strategies into the course of our conversation. He tries not to let me lose myself so completely in the memory that I cannot be found, instead encouraging me to periodically dialogue with him (rather than just to narrate events myself), prompting me to initiate grounding exercises, asking me simple, brief but unrelated questions to divert my thought processes and generally maintaining a very active presence in the conversation.

There is a balance to be struck between keeping this form of reality contact and allowing me to fully "go back" into the memory, but we're both getting slowly better at this, because it's become critical if we are to proceed any further.

I think that working to find a meaningful grounding object could definitely help you as well.

And you know, sadly, I think in part that only time and perseverance can help here. I gather that if your T is a referral from your psychologist, the relationship is fairly new? If this is the case then you are likely still establishing trust and comfort with this person and so the dissociation is most likely at least in part a defence mechanism engaging unconsciously.

You may well find, as I did, that this will lessen as you become more comfortable with your T and the process, and while this may lead to different and seemingly greater conscious distress, that too will be a sign of progress - slow, agonising, draining progress, but progress nonetheless.

Wishing you all the best, believe me, I and so many others can relate to the shocking frustration of this time. Know that your perseverance has brought you a long long way along your therapeutic journey already, and it will keep you going through this latest bump in the road.

Maddog

 

[MyStarryNight]

I'm sorry Pheonix_Rising I could feel your frustration as I read what you wrote. It sounds like you're having a really tough time right now. Dissociating can be extremely frustrating and even scary. I like how your T described it as your body's way of saying no. I'm new to therapy and PTSD but my T has told me that it's part of the process and that while it's extremely frustrating it's perfectly normal for someone who's experienced extreme trauma, especially as a kid. I don't know somehow it helped me to know that my body was actually responding in an expected way. He also said that it was like my brain was kind of playing a game of seesaw trying to get me used to the trauma, yet not being able to handle all of it and then disociating. For me there seems to be a pattern, I usually have a week or two of predominately experiencing flashbacks followed by about a week of bad dissociation days, and then the fun liitle cycle starts all over again.

My T has also worked on grounding exercises with me. For me staring at the walls or the floor doesn't help very much but tactile objects really help a lot. Whenever I go to therapy I bring silly putty. It's great because you can fiddle with it, shape it into different things, pull it apart, even make it make noises. Whenever I start to get fuzzy I play with it. Also, I usually bring coffee or tea or a mint. Sometimes the taste of something I like also can help. Also, one thing I've noticed that helps when I'm at home is my dog. Petting her can really help bring me out of it sometimes. Lastly, when it's impossible to stay grounded and I'm safe at home sometimes I just let myself take a nap. I only do this in the most extreme circumstances after I've tried everything I can think of to stay present. But sometiems a nap is the only thing that keeps me sane and let's me recover from the stress of dissociating so that I can wake up and try grounding myself again.

 

[milbert]

But how am I supposed to remain present and STAY, how am I supposed to come back once I've gone away, when I tried as hard as I could and I couldn't get back... How am I supposed to know when I can't handle any more and it's going to happen if I don't know when that is going to happen or that it is bothering me?

I think we must be at similar points in our healing, but your description is much more articulate.

I've found body-centered therapies to be the one of the more difficult therapies in terms of dissociation, even though I've heard that they are supposed to be 'easier'.

I understand the frustration of not being able to stay grounded in therapy no matter how much you try. I don't know what the answer is, except to try to stay curious and compassionate towards your reactions even if they include dissociation. I find getting frustrated at myself for dissociating or fighting myself only makes it worse. Finding grounding strategies that work for you and practicing them until they can be applied in therapy takes time.

Best wishes.
M

 

[TranquilStream]

Hi, I just wanted to say you're not alone in the way you feel. I was diagnosed with PTSD over 12 years ago and today I was trying for the life of me to move out of stillness (closed up) and into motion. I finally did it, but its taken me a few days, nearly a week. It's strange and paralyzing and takes a great deal of energy. After I did do the difficult motions of reaching out to ask for help that I needed I kept blanking out in my thoughts. I would be talking about something and absolutely forget what I was talking about. Fortuantely I had a trustworthy person with me who reminded me and just let it be normal. We laughted about it. I hope that encourages you somehow. Keep noticing yourself, feeling, actions, it will help you to recognize it and knowing is half the battle! It like using muscles that have either never been or not used in a very long time.

 

[Abrasky]

When you get therapy, as time goes on you will get less disacotiation. That happened in my experience. I spent most of the day under a blanket 13 years ago, and then 8 years into therapy, was disacotiating about half as much. Unfortunately that changed when I got into therapy again for the core issues of my PTSD in year 12, having more extreme disacotiating when I am disacotiating. I guess it does feel like going backward is the way forward.
My husband is very grounding. I can't carry him everywhere though:(

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you all, so much, I will be re-reading these posts again when my brain can assimilate the information properly.... Christmas shopping has left me in a lot of pain and my cognitive functions are impaired. I appreciate the support more than I can say, it is so good to feel I am not alone--and to hear that it can and will get better, from so many others who have gone through the same thing. It can make a person just feel crazy stuff like that... It's good to know I am not. And I can get through this. Hugs to all who want them :)

Sincerely,
Phoenix_Rising :)

 

[Helliepig]

Dissociation does suck. And it's automatic, a defence mechanism from very early on, it's not your fault and although it's very frustrating, it's there for a reason.When dissociation happens it's because you start to feel something too painful to experience so it disappears into the "part" of you that deals with that, and you are left with the foggy experience of only "part of you" being concious.

However, it seems to me that what at you experienced in your session was a bit different.. almost like you had a flashback - some of the physical symptoms of the trauma on your body... and also the clashes in your mind. That says to me that you were starting to get some breakdown of the dissociative process, the weird clashes in your head are the two parts of you trying to negotiate the idea of stuff coming up. Flashbacks can feel very very very weird and momentarily you are in another, strange place. It is weird, painful and frightening, but in my experience as you start to make progress, this is what happens. Healing from dissociation is almost literally rewiring your brain, letting different parts of you communicate for the first time ever,the one very very fragmented part that is unintegrated and feels alien and "not you", and the usual you. It can feel very crazy.

I honestly think how you describe your session sounds very very encouraging. You were able to spot what was happening and be aware of what was happening, to observe and to describe it afterwards. (That is important as often when dissociation is intact you can't even conciously experience it, remember it of describe it after so that makes it so hard to process). It sounds like you are strarting to break it apart and see some of the "boundaries" between the different parts of yourself. Frustrating.. but a necessary first step. Once that has happened once it gets easier to spot. Honestly it does.

It sounds to me like your progress in therapy was stellar. All you have to do is keep going there. You can't wish dissociation away, you have to work at it, one block and weird experience at a time. Just remember - if you get weird experiences that is the sign of dissociation breaking down. If it were still working you wouldn't know you were doing it. You are winning... keep at it.

 

[SilentWhisper]

OMG I have suffered dissociation for a while now and currently dealing with what you have posted! Exactly what you posted actually. I started dissociating in my therapist's office on about the 3rd visit. I never said anything as I didn't know what it was. On the 3rd visit I told her about it and then she said it was dissociation. Then once I done research on it I told her that I also dissociate when I'm with her. You see she makes me really anxious and she knows that but I'm thinking maybe that's what makes me dissociate. It actually scares me because along with the dissociation I feel like I'm not real, like we are a figment of someone's imagination, ever seen the truman show? Well like that.

I never remember what she say's in her sessions and feel like I have no concept of time. Everything goes so fast because I can't remember anything that previously happened. I use to think it was down to bad memory but I guess not because no one else gets it.

The only reason I'm writing this is because nothing snap's me out of it and I end up in this state for the whole day, I don't have anything that brings me back and so was wondering what I could do? Sorry for de-railing.