Childhood Having a hard time coming to terms with realization of abuse

[loui50]

I've suspected I was molested since the age of 16. I'm now 39, so for a long time. I've been talking a lot to T about it recently and she's brought up a lot of things I never thought about and I'm coming to the conclusion I really was molested as a very young child. I have no concrete memories, but lots of clues. I'm really struggling. I'm alternating between being angry and crying. Is this normal. I don't think I'll ever have concrete evidence. But I'm fairly certian it happened.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

I think it is a normal reaction.

I have struggled in the past, alternating between anger and crying.

Please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Chem Lady]

I can't comment on dealing with unremembered molestation, but I did want to say that I'm sorry for the emotional and difficult road you've been travelling the past while. I'd like to send you a hug if you are in a place to accept it and just some heart-sadness for your experiences.
So many people on this site have suffered unnecessarily at the hands of others. I sure hope someone here can help you more with useful info.

 

[ladee]

I , too, have unrecovered memories. It used to drive me insane and make me question myself half to death.... but the truth is, no one would make up these feelings or body memories, or be as symptomatic as we get trying to deal with feelings with no memories... Trust yourself. It's very painful for all of us, but there are good things about it too... we don't have horrible flashbacks to deal with. Life altering nightmares, But all the feelings and signs are there.... it can feel crazy-making at times... but when it comes down to it... we all have to deal with the feelings, having memories or not... I came to look at it as a blessing.... and I definatley have PTSD.... so trust yourself and your T and do the work to heal... Sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

and I'm coming to the conclusion I really was molested as a very young child. I have no concrete memories, but lots of clues.

@loui50...I too do not have concrete childhood sexual abuse memories just body memories while undergoing EMDR Therapy earlier this year and also my mind-blowing nightmares of long ago re childhood sexual abusse. I can remember the adult sexual abuse by gastro doc, and the bio-father's sexual inappropriateness...I've often wondered if bio-father sexually abused me...EMDR Therapy looped bio-father in with the child-predatorial sexually abusive step-father...and the step-father admitted to sexually molesting me and the bio-sister. Also I had vaginal sensations pertaining to the sexual molestation, and I also had stomach sensations during the EMDR Therapy (where the step-father child molester played the suffocation "game"). And also my bio-sister's recollection (which she's only shared briefly and then clammed up when she realized I had little abuse trauma memory at all) that we were both so horrifically sexually, physically, and verbally abused by so many in our familial history.

And I called the sexual abuser (step-father in Calif.) on the phone back in the mid'-90's right after being sexually assaulted in the sexually perverted gastro doc's office which immediately triggered all of my horrific nightmares of long ago of the stepfather sexually molesting and torturing me and my bio-sister, physical and sexual abuse by bio-father (but unclear re this although during EMDR Therapy also the bio-father looped into and with the other sexual perverts who harmed me (don't truly know if I was most definitely full-on raped (was sexually assaulted by the gastro-doc however), there were significant bodily sensations and what occurred as I came in/out of dissociation in his office (then also later during EMDR Therapy) which strongly indicates and points to that gastro doc did indeed rape me.

However, I told the police immediately afterward at home even in my dissociated brain fog following major dissociation event from being in gastro doc's that I was raped by the gastro doc because my body said so, but I dissociated numerous times in the perv gastro doc's office during this sexual assault turned rape which again triggered and dredged-up all of my and bio-sister's past sexual, verbal, and physical abuse and extreme years of torture.

The book by Bessel van der Kolk called The Body Keeps The Score is my abuse go to bible re trauma memories, dissociation, and dealing with same. This book is chocked full of so much vital information re sexual trauma memories and it continues to help me cope with my voluminous past sexual, verbal, and physical abuse and torture trauma that has and helps me to understand the dissociation, difficulty remembering trauma memories, and I don't feel as crazy up in my head about same as much.

The not being able to recount the sexual, trauma that some trauma survivors of sexual abuse like you, and myself encounter for me post EMDR Therapy is no longer a burden and an albatross around my neck...as was before and that my body and my mind were able to desensitize (numb) and reprocess while in EMDR Therapy earlier this year...when I was trying to remember same.

, my body kept the score during EMDR Therapy and I did not have to remember ALL of my trauma in order to numb most all of the trauma memories. Thank goodness. This book that I heard about in this forum for me sheds light on so much, you might want to check it out @loui50. Real good book...and has helped me cope with the sexual, etc. abuse and members here in forum told me about this book.

 

[loui50]

Thank you all for the responses. I hav

Hugs.

I think it is a normal reaction.

I have struggled in the past, alternating between ange...

Thank you for your response. It always helps to know you aren't alone. I seem to get more angry in the afternoon when my own kids are home. They are the same age I was when I'm pretty sure the abuse happened. I get angry at them for nothing. But I'm getting better about keeping it to myself since it isn't their fault. I'm really emotional and crying this morning. It is a bit frustrating.

 

[loui50]

I can't comment on dealing with unremembered molestation, but I did want to say that I'm sorry for th...

Thank you for your response. Yes, a lot of people suffering. I feel like if I had some concrete evidence I could deal with it better, but I'm working on it.

 

[loui50]

I , too, have unrecovered memories. It used to drive me insane and make me question myself half to death....

I have some memories, but nothing concrete. I've had a couple flashbacks that I don't know are real or not. I have a memory from 4 years old of someone coming into my room. I was very scared and thought to myself, if he thinks I'm asleep maybe he'll go to her (my sister and I shared a room) Someone touches my chest and the memory just stops. I don't remember if that person left or if something happened. My T said very small children tend to dissociate and that is where the memory gaps come from. I really wish I could recover just one concrete memory so I'd be certain. Then, maybe I don't want to. Its so hard.

 

[loui50]

@loui50...I too do not have concrete memories just body memories while undergoing...

Thank you for your reply. I have flashbacks and some questionable at best memories of the past. It's so frustrating. I had a flashback yesterday that was just me as a little kid, maybe 4, standing in the apt where I think the abuse occurred. I've never understood what people mean by body memories. Can you discride what that means? I know that when I'm intimate with my husband I go completely numb except for I feel pain if there is any. My husband is a very kind and gentle man and pain isn't usually an issue, but I don't feel anything else. It is weird. I will ask my T about that book. We are doing a lot of work right now and I don't know if reading a book like that would be too much for me right now. I thought I was raped by a doc while i was in a conscious sedation for a medical procedure. But the sedation used is notorious for causing people to remember repressed memories and i was never alone with him. I was so scared that I never went back to that doctor. It was a pain management procedure where I had and injection in my back for a herniated disk. I lived in excuciating pain for years because I refused to go back to that doc. I just want to remember, or have some validation. I need to know I'm not making this shit up. But seriously, who would make this up! What benefit is there to makeing it up? There just isn't.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

After I dissociated in the gastro doc's office in '96...I began to remember all of my violent trauma memory events and I could still feel his hands on me...and my vagina felt dis-comfort...I felt uncertain and confusing vaginal physical sensations...and this again occurred during EMDR Therapy earlier this year @loui50...when the past sexual, etc. traumas that my brain during EMDR was connecting to my body (the body kept the score meaning the vaginal sensations due to my brain in my specific case having been dissociated from my body during the sexual abuse...so during EMDR Therapy my brain was reprocessing these trauma memories and numbing the trauma memories that were kept in my body post trauma). Hope this makes sense...and do talk with your therapist about the book I mentioned...you may not be ready for this intense of a book. I was ready.

Flashes and triggering may be validation for some...they were most definitely validation for me of the horrific sexual, verbal, physical, and mind-bending torture trauma events that were all buried deep inside of my brain and in my body...and they were killing me...which is the only reason I underwent EMDR Therapy and I'm beyond grateful that I did...EMDR Therapy was HELL ON EARTH, and when it was over (and several - many weeks later, I began to know a peace and a calm within my mind and body that I'd never known..

And I believe that you're right...most people would not make this (sexual, verbal, physical torture and abuse) stuff up...no. I was validated by the bio-sister, also I remember the step-father and how evil he was physically in beatings, and torture (and I think he was the perv who made me eat my own vomit, etc.)...I just don't remember the actual sexual trauma...however, my body remembered what my mind buried...and through EMDR Therapy...I now have peace I never thought was ever possible. Peace and Love is what I hope and wish for you @loui50.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have one partial memory with a huge gap in it. I went from eating cornflakes in the kitchen to being ripped out of my chair by my dad and then waking up in my bed dressed in red pajamas and my dad coming into my bedroom telling me that I was sick and had to stay home from school. I suspect I was molested violently and repressed all memory of it. I have spent so many years in therapy and I consider it a mixed blessing now. I really am not interested in digging through my mind just to find out what happened. I have the symptoms of acting out as a teenager which included sexual abuse by some boys and that has troubled my life until EMDR and now the memories no longer haunt or trouble me. I just consider it to be a gift from God to know is enough for me. The thought of my dad makes my skin crawl and always has. He is dead now so I am glad he cannot hurt children anymore. He was a real creep while he beat me growing up and said many inappropriate things to me. I have memories of the physical abuse though. I hope for peace of mind for you no matter what happens.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I just consider it to be a gift from God to know is enough for me.

I too @Rain I cannot distinctly remember...and acting out years ago was my mind and body's way of processing it as sick as this sounds, plus I had no idea what lie beneath for decades, etc. My now mostly quieted and stilled mind through EMDR Therapy earlier this year...is as you above-shared truly the gift from God.

However, when it comes to my heartstrings, my emotions, and trying to get to know someone in a trusting, one-on-one loving, intimate, deep long-term relationship...my brain tends to go haywire and run amok emotionally due to lack of love experience and never seeing love up close and personal in my familial life and from an infant on up...being raised by monsters who did not know how to love.

Due to the father and the mother and others I was forced as a young child in my formative self-actualization years to grow up around and that I was forced to accept these monsters as part of my life most all who were viciously abusive in almost every way, I was unable to learn, comprehend, process, and remain calmed and stilled and these monsters were not loving, emotionally healthy grounded role models for me.

I never saw thus never learned nor grew up in and around...what long-term, and deep-seated committed love, persistent consistent caring give and take, risking with another and loving through adversity...I never saw this growing up in my family of origin. I never saw love being healthily exchanged and reciprocated and never saw love grow from and between two people in love and what this really looked like and felt like from the mother and the father and the other monsters that abused me. And I was taught that love (vs. what I was taught - sex and no love) was about beating, kicking, yelling, cursing, name calling, sexual abuse, physical torture and extreme violence and I witnessed this all up close and in my face...and never witnessed ongoing reciprocating love between two people...thus I never learned that love requires of my brain to try and remain calm, focused, and determined to risk, and grow in love with another, and that I had to allow someone else also to love me back (WT?). Sorting this out now...what a maize...an enigma now...I never saw thus learned what love was and is in my formative years and love was absent in my home. Now I feel at times I am drowning in what I do not know and was never taught about love and love scares me so to love another so much. I will not lose my self in another ever again.

Now I want to share and be here and in my personal life for as many precious hurting ptsd souls as I can be...for I feel beyond extremely fortunate that I didn't succeed in just giving up and permanently ending my life. I was so close...too close...

And I too feel that the thought of all of the perps/pervs makes my skin crawl...so I try not to spend much time at all in retrospective thoughts about these depraved and disgusting pervs/perps and what they did to my body and my mind. I was beat up, torturous traumas I have endured...awful unthinkable and unimaginable things...horrific traumatic events, inappropriate things were said and done to my precious mind and to my sweet, sweet body...and if I can help someone else try to gather their strength and courage to face their ptsd events/memories...this is one of the things that what I want to do now in my life. @loui50 I am here for you. Hugs.