Having trouble with my husband

[hippie_dreamer]

My husband and I had a conversation last week, some triggers were set, we talked through them but now I feel like I am crazy for trying to set boundaries. He didn’t like what I’ve asked of him, nothing unreasonable, please mind your drinking, as alcohol and other things have gotten him into trouble with work and almost ended our marriage before. These things include lying, cheating, womanizing etc. These types of boundaries are healthy I feel as I’m trying to move forward and improve as a mom and person. But all this week I’ve heard nothing but that I’m not doing all that should be doing, I make things worse in my mind, I should be back on medication. He said he likes me better when I’m on it. I was on Zoloft for 3 years at the highest dose and felt like a zombie. I’ve talked to my doctor and therapist about other options and one thing they would like to do, as I’ve understood it, is hook me up to monitors that will gauge my reactions to certain triggers and basically shock me so my mind learns to process things differently. The medication and this is apparently my only two options. So I’m having a hard time trying not to feel like I’m insane. Any advice?

 

[Heather Nelson]

My husband and I had a conversation last week, some triggers were set, we talked through them bu...

This sounds like more than PTSD to me. It sounds like flat-out emotional abuse. I completely get how hard it can be as I'm in a somewhat similar situation. He's not being fair to you.

My husband and I had a conversation last week, some triggers were set, we talked through them bu...

 

[Abstract]

Am I understanding correctly that you are the sufferer and he isn't?

 

[hippie_dreamer]

Am I understanding correctly that you are the sufferer and he isn't?

Yes.

This sounds like more than PTSD to me. It sounds like flat-out emotional abuse. I completely get...

That’s the feeling I’m getting. It is hard, I feel crazy, things never used to be like this. I guess I just needed to hear it from another person so I can do what I need to do. Thank you, I am sorry for the situation that you are in it’s not okay.

 

[EveHarrington]

This sounds like more than PTSD to me. It sounds like flat-out emotional abuse. I completely get...

You have it backwards, he doesn’t have PTSD, she does.

My husband and I had a conversation last week, some triggers were set, we talked through them bu...

What country do you live in that has shock treatment for ptsd?

There are so many treatments for ptsd so if your doc is saying this is your only option, RUN RUN RUN!

AFAIK shock treatment isn’t a therapy that will fix triggers.

There are so many other therapies and medications to try. I hope you can find a new doc!

 

[Abstract]

It seems maybe there are two aspects of this happening. ?
1. His behaviour and how it affects you and your symptoms.
Womanising, alcohol consumption, lying, cheating. When last has he done these things? Is there reason for you to need to set those boundaries now?
2. Your present stability. Questions about medication. Him wanting you to go on it and you having concerns. You seem to be blaming yourself and feeling he has a right to dictate what is happening with your body. The shock procedure sounds a bit ... barbaric?

Is there any behaviour you are doing that he and you are concerned about?

You are saying you don't trust your perception of what is happening for you at present?

 

[HeadSpace]

Maybe change the approach. Tell him how you're feeling and rather than you setting boundaries ask him to set himself some boundaries that will help. Make him feel like he is not being dictated to but clear that you're hoping he will come up with some things he can do to improve. Personally I would find his behaviour intolerable, I couldn't handle the alcoholism - deal breaker - but if you can give him a chance to change on his own terms then you make a decision. Look after yourself.

 

[hippie_dreamer]

You have it backwards, he doesn’t have PTSD, she does.



What country do you live in that has...

The US. I have since switched docs, I had the same thought as you RUN!

It seems maybe there are two aspects of this happening. ?
1. His behaviour and how it affects you and y...

All of these things have been going on and off for the past 8 years (ever since we have been together) we went to marriage counseling and were doing great, then 2 years ago he cheated I found out 6 months ago while he was drunk and bragging to one of his friends about it. He is a solider it’s how we met, I was in the service as well, so I know the things he deals with isn’t easy. He deployed right after all his lies started catching up, his friends started coming forward and telling me things that I never even knew. He deployed and changed in a positive manner it seemed, but lately he is doing more and more that reminds me of how he behaved when he had cheated.

The only concern that he has brought to my attention is that he thinks I’m depressed. I’m not just the opposite, I’m a little stressed, I’m getting ready to move to Washington state by myself with our children (5 and 7 years old) and our two dogs. I’m moving from Texas it’ll be a four day drive. So I’m stressed out with the packing, planning and having to move alone once again. When I talk to him about it and ask him to help with what he can (like getting the lease signed as being military, housing on post is under his name, so he has to be the one to sign)he tells me to do it and take care of it cause he is tired and just wants to relax. So stressed is definitely a more accurate definition. This is the second move i have done alone in the past 6 months.

I feel like I do trust my perception of what is happening, but when I talk to him his argument is always sound until I’m done talking to him and I realize that he actually didn’t listen to anything I’ve said and he twisted my feelings to fit how he needs them to work. If that makes sense.

 

[Teasel]

I realize that he actually didn’t listen to anything I’ve said and he twisted my feelings to fit how he needs them to work. If that makes sense.

It does make sense - It's a red flag for abusive behaviour
Two books i found extremely helpful for me were
Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? and
Patricia Evans - The verbally abusive relationship
Both really helped me get straight about what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't.
Best

 

[hippie_dreamer]

It does make sense - It's a red flag for abusive behaviour
Two books i found extremely helpful for me...

Maybe change the approach. Tell him how you're feeling and rather than you setting boundaries ask him to set himself...

A new devolpment came about tonight, he called me via FaceTime our kids were still awake, I have started my travels to WA today, we spent 8.5 hours in the car just me two kids and our two dogs. So as I’ve stated he called me via FaceTime said oh I didn’t realize the kids were still awake this isn’t an atmosphere for them. I said okay, he friend then said yea there are titties being flashed everywhere and he,d up his hand to “shield” the boobs just as my 7 year old made a grab for the tablet so I hung up. I put them to bed called him back hoping for better convos it went fine they all said they were joking and didn’t mean to upset me, I wasn’t upset my son however doesn’t need to see that and how was I supposed to know it was a joke....of course they are all drunk idk who the dd was cause again all drunk. So we hung up I expressed my discomfort about him not wearing a his wedding ring he said that little band isn’t going to stop him from cheating. Then he txt me that I embarrassed him because he talked me up and I hung up on him when the boob situation came about. So actions have spoken louder than words, idk what I’m going to do but I know that if I’m an embarrassment for taking care of our two kids while he just gets drunk then he has made his choices pretty clear. I appreciate all the advice, I will definitely be getting those books as they may actually help me heal during this process that I am sure will end in a divorce.

 

[Teasel]

Sorry to hear he's behaved like this. Best to you @hippie_dreamer