Childhood He’s 80 years old and abusing kids

[Taylormade73]

When I was about 11 I was kicked out of the foster home I’d been living in since about the age of eight after attempting to kill myself.

Over those three years I was physically, and emotionally abused by my foster mom, and repeatedly raped by my foster dad who at one time had been a pastor but had lost his license because he’d been accused of molesting kids in the church.

Despite what he did to me, I felt that he was nice, he was never mean to me even when he was abusing me so I never said anything to anyone.

So after I tried to kill myself, they sent me away to live with another family that they knew. My new family was pretty good to me, and put up with a lot of my crap but just after my 12th birthday my new foster dad died suddenly. It was a difficult time for everyone, my foster mom had already lost her son to cancer years before, and now she lost her husband.

Anyway, Linda, my previous foster mom offered to take me back and convinced her that it would be easier to just take care of herself and her daughter without having an extra kid. I ended up going back after she promised things would be different. But it wasn’t, she picked up where she left off. Things were different with my foster dad though, he never touched me again, he was just nice to me.

It has been a long time since then, I ended up being sent away again when I was 13 and I haven’t seen them more then a handful of times, and not at all for the past 20 years or so. But, I’m still in contact with the lady who took me in and was good to me and recently I went to visit her.

While I was there she told me that Linda is in a nursing home and has to eat through a tube. And my foster dad has recently been accused of sexually abusing two more children. He was questioned by the police but they didn’t do anything, they just let him go again.

So I told this to my therapist and I feel like she is angry or frustrated with me because she wants me to speak up about what he did to me. The problem I’m having is that he didn’t just do it to me, he did it to my brothers too and if I step out then they might get caught up in it too.

I only have my brothers, our parents died when I was really young so it’s just us and I feel like they would never forgive me.

At the same time I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I know that he is still doing it.

She says that she is a mandated reporter but that she wants to give me the opportunity to say something first and that there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse. I don’t know what to do.

 

[EveHarrington]

Since she’s a mandated reporter I’m guessing she has more than enough info to report whether you approve or not.

 

[Missycat]

Im so sorry , Its a really difficult position to be in. Could you talk to your brothers and explain the situation. If she is mandated to report then you dont have much choice but at least you have opportunity to do something for yourself , whereas in the past its been done to you.
My t told me that she would have had to report my abuser had he have been in the country ( he lives abroad) but she would have wanted me to have the chance to take control and direct the what happened.
I do feel for you as its hard , talk to your brothers , they may support you.
Good luck and all the best .

 

[Mr Man]

Hey Taylormade73,

I am so sorry you had to go through all that, it must be very painful having to recall all this. But please be assured you should feel zero guilt. This “Pastor” is devil in all this. He, not you, broke the law and ignored boundaries. Are you plugged into Therapy right now ? You certainly deserve that support. You need decided what is best for you here. If this person is mandated, then I guess you can’t do anything about that. But maybe you could still keep a distance, by simply presenting information and letting them sort it all out. If this man is over 80, then he will be limited in what he can do. Might be an idea to give your brothers heads up that you’ve heard a mandated person is going to bring this all up, as a problem shared is a problem halved. But that depends on your relationship with your bothers. But care for yourself in this, let someone else worry about bringing him to justice, lawyers care nothing about your mental state and this sort of thing can be very stressful as you are finding out. So what do you need, to help you get through all this ?

 

[shimmerz]

but she would have wanted me to have the chance to take control and direct the what happened.

From a trauma perspective, this is always the way to go if possible. Super unhealthy to sit in a freeze state. Movement is always best case scenario when healing. Any kind of movement. Doesn't have to be big but should be self directed not coerced by others.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey Taylormade73 - I don't know what country you are in so I respect the fact that you do in fact know the law in your country at least as well as your Therapist claims to?

This has the potential to drag you into a very complex legal hole. Being interviewed, making statements, the investigation... it's a long and complex process and then there is going to court and giving evidence....being a witness and a victim of this very personal and heinous crime. It is a huge undertaking.

I feel like she is angry or frustrated with me because she wants me to speak up about what he did to me.

Speaking up is entirely up to you. Your Therapist should not be angry, frustrated or even pressing you to report something like this. Discussing it with you - yes. Assisting you in finding out what will happen yes. That makes sense.
All the ramifications of reporting a historical sexual abuse crime are worth considering. Is she helping you to work through this? You are the victim.

if I step out then they might get caught up in it too. I only have my brothers,

I agree completely. Check out your position legally. If they are likely to be caught in the dragnet in relation to this predators activities you may need to speak to them and tell them what you know and what may happen. (But speak to someone who definitely knows the law first!). If they choose to participate in the offenders prosecution that is their choice. You have this choice too. I do understand that you want to preserve your relationship with your brothers and I think I would put that before anything else. Enough damage done already.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I know that he is still doing it.

Do you know this for certain? You may suspect he is because of other things but do not assume you know something if you do not have direct evidence of his offending. You can speak for yourself and what he did to you but can you really know if he is still offending? If so, how?...because this will also need to be reported.

**Don't get me wrong I am not defending his position merely pointing out that there is a big difference between knowing, suspecting and proving something. Even with sex offenders.

She says that she is a mandated reporter but that she wants to give me the opportunity to say something first and that there is no statute of limitations on sexual abuse. I don’t know what to do.

If she is a 'mandated reporter' - reporting is her legal responsibility. Not yours.

I don't know what she means by 'giving you the 'opportunity' to report it first. If she is taking choice away from you (by saying that she is a mandatory reporter and must report) - what is she on about? Something doesn't sound right with this but I could have misunderstood.

If she says there is no statute of limitations (and I would also be checking this out too) - then she should proceed with her mandatory obligations and quit pressuring you into doing something you are not yet accepting or sure that you want to proceed with. I can understand that she wants to prevent any further offending but investigations take a lot of time.

It is an entirely different situation when she has direct evidence or suspicion that a child is currently being abused. You are an adult now. You are no longer under his care or authority. You are the victim here and she really ought to be giving you therapy to deal with your trauma and offering support if and when any legal processes begin which involve you.

My advice - call a legal sexual helpline; seek out local legal aid; women's legal services; community policing officer or even a lawyer (some give one free consultation?) but make sure they are educated in criminal law.

 

[Taylormade73]

Im so sorry , Its a really difficult position to be in. Could you talk to your brothers and explain the situation. If she is mandated to report then you dont have much choice but at least you have opportunity to do something for yourself , whereas in the past its been done to you.
My t told me that she would have had to report my abuser had he have been in the country ( he lives abroad) but she would have wanted me to have the chance to take control and direct the what happened.
I do feel for you as its hard , talk to your brothers , they may support you.
Good luck and all the best .

Hi, thanks for responding. I have thought of ways to bring this up to my family (brothers) but haven’t come up with anything yet. If they even knew that I talked about it in the first place it would ruin our relationship.