Relationship He basically told me goodbye.

[Deleted member 44240]

I’ve been on this forum since August 2017, sharing my story and it’s been extremely hard for me. I’ve been on an extreme rollercoaster since August 18, and needless to say, my heart has been dragged across the cement and ripped apart. My ex, who told me of his illness in the beginning, basically has shown me a drastic difference in behavior since November.

He initially left in August and ran back to his ex who’s extremely toxic and damaging, and has been since they were together. My ex asked me to help him to get rid of him, and I assisted. We then continued, what i thought was a very friendly relationship, but I was always hopeful. So, fast-forward to November and he started becoming distant right before Thanksgiving, and then, POOF! Like magic, he disappeared with no contact. It’s like we never had a past or cared about each other at all. Then, out of no where, he started coming up with irrational reasoning for why we shouldn’t be together. His ex (who has/had a drug abuse problem) shared a lot of history about my ex with me which was unsolicited (out of anger). For a period of time, I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

Now my ex has gotten in the middle of a business dealing between myself and a friend of mine (now former) which had nothing to do with him, so now my ex has proven himself to be very dangerous and damaging; I’m not sure if that’s signs of being symptomatic, or part of his character; and no, I don’t believe he’s in treatment. Friends and family have told me to move on and not to look back because he’s basically telling me to kiss his a$$, and any respect he had for me is now gone. He basically doesn’t care anymore; if he ever did. I’m so confused because although I’ve read a lot about certain symptoms and I now understand certain behaviors, I was at least trying.

So I’m basically saying, I feel as if he’s told me goodbye back in November, and i just didn’t want to accept it. Anyone who treats their partner/friend/supporter the way I’ve been treated, can’t have any respect for you or care about you. Anyone who can pre-plan an exit the way he did, never loved me or felt anything for me. I believe it was all a facade now; a big a$$ lie. Needless to say, I feel used, abused, neglected, tricked, damaged and destroyed. “All is forgiven”, “ i need more time”, “my apologies”. If I were so called forgiven, how come we couldn’t speak about the issue at hand? Friends do that. That was a lie! How damn much time do you need? A year, two years? Just stringing me along is what I deduced.

I’m finished with the lies and games and tricks. Although I was tricked into loving someone who I feel lied from the beginning, I believe he did what he planned on doing from the beginning, use and abuse me. My hats off to all supporters who can see the forest for the trees, and to all sufferers who help their supporters plant the trees to make the forest. Just as we supporters love and care for our sufferers, sufferers should love their supporters as well.

 

[Hojay]

I'm so sorry to hear all this B.J. Like I said, I've been following your story closely because I'm always on the lookout for variables that differentiate PTSD from bad character. Your case seems to have always toed the line. Now, though, it sounds like you've firmly put the pieces together. Not that it doesn't hurt, but it's the first step out of the fog.

What you describe has nothing to do with PTSD. What breaks my heart the most about your story is that not only have you been left to feel like it's all your fault, PTSD was also used to rope you into making allowances and, worst of all, to make you wait around thinking it was just isolation!

I think you can safely discard the PTSD diagnosis at this point in time, and focus on detaching yourself from the guy. Physically, emotionally, psychically. It does not matter WHY he's doing what he's doing (PTSD, rotten character, doesn't matter.) The only thing that matters is knowing what he's doing is not going to fly with you anymore.

I'm speaking from experience here (not with my PTSD sufferer, but before,) that coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship that included gaslighting, manipulation, calculation, and lies, is one of the hardest, most confusing things to have to go through. I had to ask myself, what made me participate in this situation for so long? What do I need to heal for that to not happen again? It took the focus off the guy in question, and gave me back some agency. I now appreciate having gone through that horrible fog because I came out stronger, more confident, and healthier than before.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you maybe take a break from this forum, even if only for a little while. Though it's so incredibly helpful to weed out PTSD issues, when PTSD isn't the actual issue it may only serve to keep you hooked into finding more reasons for his behavior (which may not even apply, because PTSD doesn't seem to be the culprit here) or for you to find more ways to confirm HIS theory that you did everything wrong in face of his PTSD (which, again, is misleading because PTSD isn't the issue.) It's just a thought.

I feel for you B.J. But you'll be ok.

 

[Freida]

What you describe has nothing to do with PTSD. What breaks my heart the most about your story is that not only have you been left to feel like it's all your fault, PTSD was also used to rope you into making allowances and, worst of all, to make you wait around thinking it was just isolation!

Agreed -- but even if it had been all due to PTSD you don't deserve to be treated like he has been treating you. He showed you one person, but underneath he was someone different - and that person isn't someone you want. Why did he do it? Who knows. What matters is that you are ready to take your life back. Though I know it is heartbreaking I'm very proud of you

 

[Sweetpea76]

It wouldn't matter if he had PTSD, a brain tumor, devil possession and an arrow in his frontal lobe... if he was dishonest and used you then it is not OK. You do not need to feel guilty about moving on.

 

[TwilightDream]

Hello @B.J.
I'm sorry that things turned out this way for you. I fully understand every word of your anger. And it's ok.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest you maybe take a break from this forum, even if only for a little while.

I think that what @Hojay says may be a good idea. As for myself and my situation, I am scaling back, as far as reading all the stories in search of understanding for my ex. I will still be checking in, to read other's stories, but just because it brings me comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this. For me, I have found posting in the diary section to be very therapeutic. I can be anonymous, yet be completely open and honest about what I'm going through and how I feel. And I know other's will empathize, again, helping me to not feel lost and alone. It's all a part of processing for me.

Now on the other side of the coin, I will be putting a lot more of my time, into myself. My therapist has advised doing things and being around people that validate me. That know and embrace who I am. So I can remember my strength and my goodness. That I am not what she made me out to be. That was a mental distortion. I shouldn't bank my self esteem on another persons false perception. I am aware that it was wrong, and mental illness was at it's root.

Take good care of yourself BJ.

 

[krisss]

I'm reeling from the disappointment, and the feeling of being used too, B.J.

You're not alone in this, I'm here for you.

We deserve better and WE ARE BETTER. It'll take time to really believe that, but once we do, nobody will ever be able to take that away from us again.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I'm reeling from the disappointment, and the feeling of being used too, B.J.

You're not alone in this,...

Thank you for your support @krisss. I remember feeling as if I had made a big mistake back in August. Although I felt this way, I continued with what I thought was giving support and love to someone I thought really loved me. I really am sorry for you and what you’ve been through as well; you definitely deserve better. I’m not sure of how you feel, but this has me so very scared and super cautious now; if he did try to contact me, I’m not sure of what I would say. I know for sure my feelings have changed drastically, and my trust has been compromised. Ptsd and whatever goes with it has hardened me and I know I couldn’t trust anything he says anymore. It’s unfortunate for those supporters who’ve gone through something like this because now you’re second guessing if someone is out use you in the future.

 

[Friday]

Now my ex has gotten in the middle of a business dealing between myself and a friend of mine (now former) which had nothing to do with him, so now my ex has proven himself to be very dangerous and damaging

So he did to you, what you did to him.

Sounds like you understand now why he left you.

I have no idea why you would think it’s a PTSD thing, though, especially since you don’t have PTSD and you did it first. It sounds like straight up revenge. You interfered with his work, so he interfered with yours. Seems pretty simple and straightforward.

 

[Hojay]

So he did to you, what you did to him.

Not my thread, nor my situation, but I think there is a huge difference between making the mistake of trying to confide in the wrong person (OP) and going out of one's way to damage someone's business dealings after the relationship is over (OP's ex.) Don't you think? That's like saying, I slipped and fell and accidentally slapped someone in the face in the process, so now, 6 months later, that person gets to punch me with malicious intent so I know how it feels...

 

[Deleted member 44240]

So he did to you, what you did to him.

Sounds like you understand now why he left you.

I have no idea...

I really don’t need reminders of who did what! Especially not at this time! If a person can’t share knowledge or experience, then please respect me by not posting a response!

 

[Sweetpea76]

@B.J... again, take what you need and leave the rest.

The world isn't out to get you. Instead of getting defensive when people point out mistakes, use them as a learning opportunity. That's what life is about. Nobody is perfect. We all f*ck up. What makes somebody successful the next time is owning it, processing it, and making better decisions in the future. That's true for all situations.

Even disastrous relationships can be valuable because we learn lessons from them. For example, we can figure out what we do or do not want in a partner, or how to set or respect boundaries, even patience. Think about what you've gleaned from this situation.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Friday is just giving you the other point of view. Good luck with everything!