Relationship He Cheated On Me And I'm Stuck With All The Rage.

[WhisperingUnicorn]

What the what now? Don't wear that sh*t. He's playing dirty with tactics like that.

Self-protection mode or not, your man has to take responsibility for his actions - not minimising and making you the scapegoat.

OMG, what @Wastinglight said!! ^^^^

 

[Momofthree]

I love guns, I love cleaning them, shooting target practice, and even hunting. I'm an army brat, turned navy vet, gun grease is in my blood. That being said I do not currently own a gun and I don't plan on owning on anytime soon for several reasons. 1. I have small children in the house and worry about their curiosity getting the best of them, 2. I have PTSD and therefore have times of suicidal idolization and don't need a gun around when I'm depressed like that, and 3. When I was married I was terrified of the idea of my ex shooting me, the kids, and himself in a murder suicide and that's carried over as a trigger with me even though he's thousands of miles away now. Long story short, if you don't feel comfortable having a gun in you house then there shouldn't be a gun in your house. Plan and simple. Stick to your guns (sorry for the horrible pun) and don't let him push you into something that makes you feel unsafe. He's stabbing and jabbing like a spoiled toddler who's been told no. It has nothing to do with you, you never did anything wrong. Even with the letter, you have the right to be a witness or not be a witness, it was your free will and you did all you could do.

 

[still_i_rise]

Thank you @Sweetpea76 @ptsdspouse2b & @Momofthree :hug:

It's been an intense couple of weeks. He's been getting some preliminary support from this past week while in the hospital. Probably more proper medical treatment and attention that he's ever gotten. I've been encouraging him to get assessed and get this for past year so I'm glad that he's getting it finally.
He seems to be under the impression that everything is okay now. It isn't. Staying in the hospital with all the supports and tools there is not the same as being home. I just wanna know that we have a shared understanding and are equipped with a protocol of how to deal with things when things start getting bad again.

I also need to be able to trust him. I don't think he appreciates how much he's damaged my trust in him. I'm made to feel like my pain and hurt as a result of his betrayal aren't important or I should just get over it or else risk triggering him or stressing him out.

I still don't know what to expect when he gets home. He says he has all these new tools and ideas to use to help him but they're the same things that he had before (going to the gym, dog walks, daily routines). What's changes now compared to before?
The only 'new' tool are time outs. But even that I have concerns about. He's got a temper when he gets going. Is he really going to give himself a time out when he starts getting on a roll?? I'm not going to be the one suggesting a time out. That will not go over well, knowing him.

It's just all these questions and uncertainties. In the last months I've been feeling more and more in a passive reactive state because I don't have any control or say in things. Partly it's because I'm afraid of saying stuff for fear of setting him off.

Momofthree- Thanks so much for sharing your experience and insights. It really helps me to hear it. I'm an avid hunter myself. I'm kinda sad that I'm likely not going to get a spring hunt this year but it's more important that I regain a sense of comfort and security in my home first.

 

[Sarahberrycakes]

My husband cheated. He also blamed it on PTSD and Bipolar. His way of explaining it was that he hadn't been able to feel anything for so long that it actually made him feel good to be able to feel anything... even the bad feelings from making poor choices. I guess I kind of understand that, but it still doesn't excuse it.

 

[JesusLovesMe]

In the last months I've been feeling more and more in a passive reactive state because I don't have any control or say in things. Partly it's because I'm afraid of saying stuff for fear of setting him off.

This has been me for the past 4 years, and now it's to the point where I don't know if I can "turn it back on". I feel like I just don't care anymore. I still love him, of course, but now that he's getting help and starting to do better, I try and try to get our relationship back but worry that it's just been gone for too long. My husband has cheated at least once that I know of (prior to PTSD, we went to counseling for it) and spent the rest of the last 4 years pretending to want to be with me (yes, that's a supporter's uncertainty, maybe he does maybe he doesn't) and in my head spent the rest of the time searching for women for online/text/phone and possibly in person relationships, because he sure as hell wasn't cultivating ours.

Only advice I have is to not be like me. Don't let his PTSD put you in your place, stand up for yourself and for your relationship and don't agree to go down without a good fight.