General He genuinely doesn't seem to get what he did wrong

[Clarity3]

One final thing...I don't know if I'm allowed to recommend books on here or not, but if so, I highly recommend "Homefront 911: How Families of Veterans Are Wounded by Our Wars" by Stacy Bannerman. A lady who tells it like it is and a fighter for social justice who broke the silence on combat vet domestic violence, not to mention has drafted several military-related bills that have now been passed into law. Again, for nothing other than your own understanding. Because knowledge truly is power. All my best to all of you!

 

[Movingforward10]

And as I clearly stated before, regardless of what motivated his shitty behavior that day, the end result is still exactly the same. And unless he ever recognizes and fully owns his shit then does everything in his power to sort himself out, she's obviously right to stay far away

But this is precisely it. And what I said many posts ago. Where I was coming from was my dear that the OP's desire to 'understand' where the behaviour was coming from would tip into excusing it. Because ultimately it doesn't matter where it comes from. If the person doing the behaviour is excusing it, minimising it, not prepared to accept it was awful and change it, then it's dangerous.
I think we're all saying the same thing?
Perhaps in different ways?
But we all care about the OP and want her to be safe.

 

[joeylittle]

Also, I can provide plenty of scientific research demonstrating that misplaced anger, rage, and sadly yes, sometimes even escalating into violence in some cases (not saying all or even most!), can indeed be par for the course in those with TBI/PTSD/CPTSD, especially when comorbid with other conditions. Again, not excusing, simply explaining. At the end of the day, it's clearly a highly maladaptive behavior that speaks to the severity of one's illness.

Any psychology student should be aware that the personality changes resulting from TBI are not "maladaptive behavior" - they are damage to the brain.

Sorry to quote myself, but TBI and PTSD really can't be lumped together, even though they often co-occur. It's something I think supporters would benefit from being aware of, and speaks directly to the OP's question.

And now: our guest has departed, so back to the main topic, here.

 

[OverandOut]

Wow, this forum seems super hostile. It's actually kind of disappointing. I'm thankful to those who didn't rush to judgement and took the time to provide well thought out answers along with some facts (despite all the pushback they got for doing so...wtf?) because that's exactly what I was looking for.

The guy who came home from war was in no way the same sweet boy I had grown up with all my life who would never so much as hurt a fly. That's why I had such a visceral reaction to reading that he was just "an abusive asshole who happened to get PTSD" or whatever was said along those lines. For the record, he never once even came close to laying a finger on me--ever--nor had even threatened to prior to that day. That's why his words were so shocking and seemed so out of character that I just needed to try and understand for my own sanity. I know just from talking to people that domestic violence is way more of a problem within the military community than many are willing to admit, and I have a lot of admiration and respect for those who acknowledge and address it.

That said, don't conflate me wanting to understand with me wanting to go back to him because that's assumption that is simply false. I can think for my damn self, and my immediate reaction to his words alone should've made it apparent that I don't stand for any of that and never will, despite how much it broke me to leave him.

Either way, this has been overwhelming when I'm already in a vulnerable state, and I think I will be looking for support elsewhere from now on. Ya'll can reply if you like, but I'm personally done. OverandOut is over and out!