General He genuinely doesn't seem to get what he did wrong

[Ronin]

Please also consider it's not a moral high horse people speak from, whatsoever... You asked a What do you think? Question. Got responses what people honestly think. Question, Answer. Not much of judgment in between and not intended.

In part because we've been there.
On all rounds.

Case in point?
I have super high treshold for pretty f*cked up real violence. Even more for threatened one, because threats piss me off but get me curious how the f*ck did a person mean something they obviously ain't gonna do, where acts make it super clear.

Even if in many ways threats stress me out worse because even bullshit, I still take all the eventualities on and make ready for them being actual things. Because of how I roll... I never threaten things I'm not about to do at some point. Just differs the point. Which may be decade in the future. To learn that other people *aren't* that level of serious about their word is a constant reality check.

Which is a response that super doesn't work in a healthy normal world.

But it doesn't work applied where the other people are abusive.

My exH, mostly 'just' threatening from the start?
Went after great deal lot of many people that are family to me, at some point. Most combat vets. One woulda think it doesn't even get to that point... But there I was, stuck with a guy *they* didn't trust, but *I* had, and they trusted *me* and gentle 'drop that guy, he is a mess' weren't getting to me on many years.

Because I assumed all you have.
That it's his TBI or other disorders he was waxing poetic pity parties about years long... which sadly is something I hear, as I tend to BOLO the bright sides and if there's even a chance the sick pup may be sick and not twisted, I look that way and chase it, instead of not.

So yeah.
It's not Can those disorders make those changes? question (yes. They can.)

But more an impact one.

As in, a few years in the future, if he tries to kill you or make you kill him (again. About the second time that day. And you'll think that's a good day. So well managed, him.) -

Are you gonna be happy you gave him a chance...
Or are you gonna wish you stopped that in its tracks while you *had* the chance and people told you something you weren't ready to hear?

I wish you and yours luck.
And the least regrets on that path.

 

[Movingforward10]

ya'll are just the golden child for how one with PTSD ought to behave, but unfortunately, that isn't the case for a lot of people, including many who have turned here in search of advice or at the very least maybe some answers.

I don't understand this point. You asked a question about your ex's behaviour. You got opinions. Whether anyone else has behaved appallingly like you ex or not is not the point. That is deflection of the issue by you, in my humble opinion.

I'm not sure who said your ex is an asshole. I didn't. You asked for advice. You ended the relationship with him because of his behaviour (sensible and safe of you to do). He is now reeling you back in with the same behaviour (essentially by sayibg you are responsible for his actions because you said something and therefore it's your fault. You have empathy because of his condition and background, but be careful with that because that can lead you to excusing his behaviour just like he is).

Ultimately if you don't want to listen to the (unanimous) responses on here: you really don't have to. It's your life and your decision.

Whatever you decide, I hope you make one that is safe for you.

 

[Clarity3]

It seems to me as though the OP is looking for more of a clinical explanation rather than a perceived oversimplification or judgement call (and let's be honest, a rather harsh one at that) of someone we don't even know who clearly meant a lot to her.

In short, PTSD and TBI, especially when coupled with childhood or prolonged trauma, can absolutely result in severe emotional dysregulation. Minor annoyances and frustrations can present themselves as irrational rage. Throw in a little dissociation, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster.

However, regardless of the underlying cause of his behavior, the end result is still the same. And until someone is willing to fully own it and work on it, they will stay stuck in the relative comfort of their discomfort. Props to you for looking out for yourself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

What seems harsh here is just bluntness. Supporters who excuse this crap can wind up getting physically abused. We do not sugarcoat, excuse, or justify these actions... because when speaking with a supporter, it’s not helping somebody feel better about their own issue. Here it gives people the excuse they’re looking for to stay with somebody who does this shit to them.

Simple answer... No. Threatening behavior and physical violence are not symptoms of PTSD or TBI.

so I guess I'm just wondering can PTSD and/or TBI affect cognitive reasoning like this?

Can it affect cognitive reasoning or memory surrounding the event? Yes. Absolutely. Sure can. The threats are on him though. The blame shift and justification are on him. Even if he was feeling rage, aggression, fight/flight, panic, what have you... his choice of action was to threaten a smaller, weaker person.

 

[Clarity3]

No one is excusing a single thing, including the OP, who has clearly already left him. What I gathered from her question is that she was trying to understand the behavior, not justify it.

Also, I can provide plenty of scientific research demonstrating that misplaced anger, rage, and sadly yes, sometimes even escalating into violence in some cases (not saying all or even most!), can indeed be par for the course in those with TBI/PTSD/CPTSD, especially when comorbid with other conditions. Again, not excusing, simply explaining. At the end of the day, it's clearly a highly maladaptive behavior that speaks to the severity of one's illness.

All I'm saying is that it's important for all of us to remember to try to remain kind and empathetic to people who are clearly suffering and may have nowhere else to turn, so that this forum can continue to serve as a safe place for everyone.

OP, if we haven't officially run you off yet, please remember that no one on here (at least as far as I know) is a clinical psychologist. We're simply people who have been in somewhat similar situations sharing based off our own personal experiences. As my grandma would say, advice is worth what you pay for it.

If I were you, I recommend looking into scholarly peer-reviewed articles, journals, and case studies that delve into this topic and perhaps might be able to provide you with some of the factual answers you're looking for. Best of luck and big hugs to you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is the supporter area. We take care of the supporters here first. Sometimes taking care of somebody means being blunt. Especially when empathy and guilt can cloud judgement when somebody you love is involved. Nobody here is gleefully chasing off people looking for help. We’re helping, it just isn’t what people want to hear.

We’ve had supporters here, on this very forum, let threats and rage slide because, hey, supposedly “it happens because they have PTSD. Poor baby... it’s their broken brain.” They ended up victims of domestic violence themselves.

I’d rather have somebody think I’m a bitch for telling them something they need to consider than jolly them along, give them fuel for justification, and have them end up in a horrid situation.

Maladaptive behavior is behavior, a choice, a way to cope. Do people with PTSD and TBIs have maladaptive behaviors? Get violent? Unfortunately some do. It speaks more about their own specific personalities than their disorders though.... or other risk factors, like self medicating with drugs and alcohol, or comorbid mental health problems.

Here are some articles dealing with violence and combat PTSD.

Research Findings on PTSD and Violence - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

Violent behaviour and post-traumatic stress disorder in US Iraq and Afghanistan veterans

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2017-52450-001

 

[Clarity3]

I can appreciate the intentions behind the words, however, I was trying to offer the OP something even slightly more insightful than just "abusive assholes get PTSD too." Way too much of an overgeneralization for my comfort as a psychology student. Again, I was trying to be specific to her particular situation in which she said had already left, was no longer in harm's way, and was just looking to try to understand someone she had loved. Sure, I get that tough love can be necessary...at times...but other times, you get more with sugar than with salt. Especially when someone is already down and out. But to each their own.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Clarity3... if your motive is to engage, move along. Otherwise keep on topic.

 

[Tinyflame]

JMHO, I've been on both sides of the fence, and I just offer this perspective: if it was really a shocking comment, but similar actions followed, would you be doing the other person a favour (if they are a good person), with the guilt they'd have to live with (especially if they couldn't remember)?

I think the open door approach and understanding is a great blessing, but it has to first be met by someone who at some level feels remorse. Or it kind of defies reality (in a potentially dangerous way).

 

[mumstheword]

My partner has a TBI and a shit tonne of trauma.

I'm talking nearly murdered numerable times and an important person to him murdered, and yeah he gets really rageful sometimes. Shouts. Leaves.

I've seem him hit a guy (who totally deserved it, the guy was drunk, was threatening his girlfriend and chasing her and she had their baby in her arms, so yeah, and the guy punched my guy in the nads preceding the light punch) but I've NEVER, EVER, felt frightened that he would hurt me.

He does forget a lot of stuff, even mid conversation, has substance issues and isn't perfect. Is he a "golden child"? Dunno, but, he is a decent dude. Not abusive. Doesn't treat me badly, and if he loses his temper, he ALWAYS apologises.

If he sees his behaviour has hurt me? (I am diagnosed CPTSD, myself) he seeks me out when I hide and he owns his behaviour and fully repents

He would NEVER threaten me, blame me for his shitty behaviour or deny responsibility for what he did.

That would be an abusive tactic and I spent roughly 37 years subject to people who treated me like that and I would run, no hesitation.

So yes, TBI's suck, trauma sucks, they destroy all sorts of functional parts of a person's life, but they don't determine the level of integrity that person possessses, that is part of their core being, their personal code of conduct and their values

If you think he just screwed up, just this one time? You will probably go back to him, but, I agree, with the other's, it's a red flag and doesn't bode well for your future together.

You don't want to join him, in ptsdsville, it's super not fun, believe us.

And a long term narcissistic relationship, even without overt violence, causes untold harm. Narcissists don't take responsibility, for their mean and undermining behaviour, so if that is his go-to, it's a definite red flag.
,

 

[Ronin]

@Clarity3 (and I'll be on my way from the thread after, aware this my comment is derail & won't drag it)

The problem with this, psych schools don't tell you so much of real life. They just don't.

There's no way to sugarcoat ugly realities.

Sugarcoating this shit is deadly. Harmful at best. And even then that harm is hard to rework, after.

It's just better overall if OverAndOut doesn't get the wrong idea right after the first guy.

Because trying to excuse ad nauseam that behavior is a no bueno pattern...

That she'll meet in other guys.
This ex was maybe the first and bit of a shock.

But there are so many like him in the world.

And, excuse me, I still can't sleep over the sights of brave, helpful, caring... women I found murdered by a prick of this kind or else.

Where those things? Never have to end that way... if the woman can hear someone, anyone, saying to stay away... and actually *do.* that.

 

[Clarity3]

Again...people...please understand me...I am in NO way whatsoever excusing a DAMN THING this dude did. In fact, if you read what I wrote, I said she absolutely did the RIGHT thing by leaving him. All I was trying to do was offer an alternative viewpoint, NOT so that she would want to go back to him, but so that maybe just maybe having some additional information could possibly help her understand some of the WHY behind it...for no other reason than her own peace of mind and closure. Explaining is NOT excusing. And as I clearly stated before, regardless of what motivated his shitty behavior that day, the end result is still exactly the same. And unless he ever recognizes and fully owns his shit then does everything in his power to sort himself out, she's obviously right to stay far away. Anyway, I feel like I've said all I can on the matter and am stepping away from this thread as well.