He Has Appeared!!

[Tiger]

I just can't control it!! I haven't seen him for several years and now he has started going to a group I attend that has been my life support machine for the last 5 months!!! I have told the staff, but they can't stop him using the service, so its very difficult now!! Every time he's there, I just burst into uncontrollable sobbing!! I am so frightened of him, I really am!! He r***d me 5 years ago!! He was staying in my spare room because he had no where to go and I was very nieve, thought I knew him and was doing him a favour!!! I did have some support from the police in making sure he didn't come back into my home and getting checked out physically by a Dr, but it never went to court!!! Anyway, he appeared at this group last Monday and I just can't stop crying!! I feel so stupid, but I am so upset about it!! I don't know what to do? I have to have a meeting with staff at the group in a fortnight to see if I am coping which I am not looking forward to!! I don't understand where all of these tears are welling up from, but they are here!! And are terrifyingly uncontrollable!! What is happening to me? Why now? I am sorry, I am so pathetic!!

 

[Jane.l]

That's a horrible situation to be in. I don't think you are being pathetic at all - who wouldn't be upset in that scenario? What kind of group is it? Is there anyway you could attend at a different day, time or place?

 

[arfie]

I see nothing pathetic here, Tiger. Even less of it seems "stupid." That would most assuredly rock my boat.

Your own comfort zone needs to be the guiding star here, but.... It was hard, but when I stood my ground and worked it out in similar situations, I experienced tremendous growth as a payoff for all the pain and discomfort. Sometimes I learned to say, "No" without all the extra drama. Other times I learned how to navigate discomfort without letting it ruin my day. Still other times I learned that amazing skill called, "Forgiveness."

Gentle validation, Tiger. Whichever way it flows in your unique case, there is nothing "pathetic" or "stupid" about it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

There is nothing pathetic or stupid about what you described. The tears are understandable. You're probably scared and feel violated all over again to have him show up like that. I don't have any advice for how to deal with it, but I wanted you to know that I don't think it's pathetic or stupid to react like you are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, you are NOT pathetic at all!

If worse comes to worse, I say go out in a blaze of glory. If they can't keep him away and you can't stay, I'd start screaming rape in group. Maybe you'd save someone else from getting hurt by that asshole.

 

[shell]

That's totally not okay, certainly you deserve better. I would ask them to find you a safer group.

 

[Lucycat]

I agree with all the others. What is this support group? I really don't think it will be doing you any good at all to be going along worrying about whether or not he might be there. That is not healthy and will not help your recovery. You need a strategy in place - with the help of others - to ensure you are and feel safe at all times. If necessary quit this group. They should help you find an alternative.

 

[scout86]

I don't know how things work in the UK. Is it possible to get a restraining order, prohibiting him from being anywhere near you? In this country, I believe that would prevent him from attending the group, while you are there. HE is the one who should be restricted, not you!

Your reaction sounds pretty reasonable to me, you have every reason to feel fear and to want to have him completely out of your life.

Do you think he showed up intending to scare you?

 

[Tiger]

I do!! But am I just being paranoid about him showing up? I don't know?

 

[lil_fighter]

You are not being paranoid at all - there are some very strange people out there and this sounds familiar to me, as I had a similar experience of facing someone again. It is likely that he is trying to make sure that you don't tell anyone. The bottom line here is, you need to be away from this man for your own sanity, wellbeing and progress. You cannot be expected to heal when the person who caused you trauma is in your group. I don't think that this is a naive co-incidence and this is why you need to protect yourself, explain to the people running the group. Call them or email them and explain that him being there is stopping you from healing. Is your group one that you were reffered to by your doctor? If so, ask to be transferred elsewhere. I understand that part of you will be annoyed at having to go else where when it is him that should be going elsewhere, absolutely. The main thing at this moment in time is to work on getting stronger and then some kind of justice can be done.

Is the group easy to access? Do you know what his claim is to needing therapy as well? Is he honestly sitting there as a perpetrator, or is he claiming to be a victim of something? His intentions should be questioned by the staff. If they have any sense they will deal with this sensibly and responsibly. If you could explain more about the group, as in whether it is one of the NHS talking therapy groups (which can be quite easy to access), then maybe I can give you more advice.

 

[Tiger]

It's a group for people with different sorts of mental health issues!! I have been using this group for nearly 6 years now!! It just tears me apart to think that he is now invading one of the places I felt happy and safest!! Its a little selfish maybe? He might have changed? Am I overreacting?

 

[Lucycat]

I did have some support from the police in making sure he didn't come back into my home and getting checked out physically by a Dr, but it never went to court!!!

Is it possible to get a restraining order, prohibiting him from being anywhere near you?

Because it did not go to court, he can not have been convicted. Therefore, sadly you have no grounds for a restraining order ( I believe). It does not seem fair, and I could be completely wrong.