He Just Showed Up

[scout86]

He has basically no more rights than you do as long as you're in the Ukraine, right? There is no court there that can or will hear this case, right? I seriously doubt he's going to follow you back to the States. I suppose he could, but then you're playing by rules that are still basically pro mother and you have more resources. He can make claims, but you have counter claims. The thing is, once you're back here, you're probably done with him. But I'd be sure to stay out of the UK for now. That's the one region where the law is the most likely to be on his side. Not that he'd win there either, but he'd have the most advantages he could have.

 

[Poofycat]

Maybe take a minute to write out responses for various situations on a piece of paper and keep it by your phone and the door. Like, what you will say if he calls and catches you off guard again: "No, we can't see you. I'm very busy." If he shows up at your door: "You can't come in, I'm very busy. Send me an email." Do you have a chain on your door? Keep it chained the entire time you talk to him. Write down on the piece of paper to keep the door chained.

Our brains have a way of short circuiting in situations like this. If you have your responses planned out then you don't have to worry about how you will respond and you can move on with your day. He can argue all he wants, but you've already stated that you have a lot to do today. You don't have time for this.

 

[MichelleMillen]

I don't know where you are, but in Ontario you do not need to specify a reason or provide proof of harassment to file a restraining order against anyone. You are very justified to do something like this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

But he can definitely try to use this against me in court later.

I've been to family court with my ex many many many times... because his favorite brand of being an asshole is to take me to court. I've been to court in 4 different states, thanks to the nomadic nature of the Army. It's pretty much the same everywhere here in the US.

Family court doesn't care about "he said - she said." They don't care what you write down or try to keep track of... they really don't. If you try to show things like that to a family court judge, they're not going to accept it into evidence.

What will happen is they'll outline everybody's rights, establish custody and visitation, and set up child support. That's it. They won't care how much of a bastard he is. They won't care if he hasn't seen the baby. The only thing they may look at is if he has provided any financial support.

Right now he has zero rights. If he wants to establish paternity he can go file himself. You have no obligation to put him on the birth certificate. You don't have to talk to him and you don't have to let him see your child. You aren't violating any visitation orders because there isn't one to violate.

If he wants rights, he has to establish paternity legally. Until then, he can go shit in his hat.

 

[Friday]

What @Sweetpea76 said.

Really. Hard lesson learned...the courts really don't give a damn, and ANYTHING you do can be looked badly upon, (or looked well upon, but family courts are jaded, and just assume everyone sucks, and no matter how much your lawyer tries to paint you in a good light, their lawyer will paint it in a bad light).

I used to drive myself CRAZY with this stuff. 5 years later?

Denying visitation looks bad.
Giving visitation looks bad.

Really. They BOTH look bad. One makes you look controlling and abusive, the other makes you look neglectful and a liar. And that's true for absolutely everything.

So screw what something looks like. And go for precedent. AKA act as if you've already got the ruling granting exactly what you want to happen. Because anything you allow? The courts will tend to allow MORE of. And anything you don't allow? The courts will either tell you to stop that, or go ahead and keep the status quo. If you talk with him, his family, meet up with him, allow him over? The courts will see that as you're "willing" to do all those things, have been doing them by agreement, and there should be a lot more of it! 9 times out of 10. So just do not do ANYTHING you do not want to be doing. Do not set precedent. If he wants XYZ, make him work for it. Don't just give it to him. It won't look good. It won't help you keep him out of your child's life later. It will just drive you crazy now, and crazier later.

So since everything looks bad? Do what actually IS good.

They might take that away from you later, so revel in it now. For real. This is your chance to live how you want to live. WITHOUT this asshole having any rights to you, or your child.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'mvery familiar with the process here in WI... For me personally, I ended up with sole custody because of my ex husband's neglect of our children. They are grown now.
My s/o is in the process now. He has recently received sole custody due to neglect and an abusive household on the side of the mother. She has visitation every other weekend. The courtvthis time would regularly talk about the patterns they established for themselves. So, if he has established a pattern of abandonment, that would be GREATLY frowned on here.

Now with my daughter, she has a 10 month old and the father is also notvon the birth certificate. She was receiving Badgercare and was refusing to give his name. In WI, they can and did remove her benefits unless you show "just cause" why. So we went to gheir office and told them about how he has a history of drug use and violence. Plus he has unmedicated Psychsophrenia. They said if we gave the name to do a background check, the just cause would likely be granted.

The good part about it is that if "just cause" is granted through state aid, he can't file to be put on the birth certificate through the state. He would have to file with an attorney through the court system and pay for the testing himself.

I don't know what his situation is, but since he hasn't been proactive to have paternity testing done to this point, it would seem unlikely he would go through all of that trouble, hopefully.

I would say that the court will see his lack of effort before believing you keeping him from him. You owe him nothing in the eye of the law at this point, and with the short time you have left, there should be no real way for him to get through the system that quickly.

Hold your ground and take all of the good points everyone made here to help you function through for now.

 

[Casey_03]

He's outside my home now and was just out there threatening to "make my life hell." Won't leave. Keeps demanding access. I'm going to have to call the police soon but I know they won't do anything.

 

[NaeNae75]

Can you tape him threatening you somehow?

 

[NaeNae75]

But they should remove him for harassing you. If he tells them he "wants to see his child" say, he has no claim to this child....if he does, then where is the proof?

 

[Casey_03]

I tried to tape him and when he realized I was recording he moved and stopped threatening. Then the batteries died and I couldn't tape anymore. I don't think they would remove him, because he's standing on the property of a hotel next door and it's meant to be publicly open (the area he's standing in anyway, it's a park). So I have a feeling I'll call them and he'll just deny everything and say he's just hanging out in the park. I'm not sure if he's still even there now or if he wised up and left. Don't want to go out there to check but don't see him right now.

 

[Casey_03]

I'm literally hyperventilating. This makes me sick.

 

[Casey_03]

Nobody seems to take this stuff seriously unless he's physically abused me, and he hasn't. But if I wasn't afraid of him physically before, I am now. I now genuinely believe he might try to kill me. The problem with that is if I tell that to police, they'll ask why I think that and if he's ever hit me before, and I'll have to say, "No, it's just the way he's acting and his overall behavior." But I don't think anyone will take it seriously until it's too late and somethng's already happened.