Relationship He Kept Leaving To Hang Out With Friends...

[EloiseLandau]

I understand, as a PTSD person, that people need their own time, and their own lives, and I totally encourage that. Have your own hobbies, interests, and social circles, your own social lives. Please.

But what happens when I as a sufferer am left crying because it hurts, and I'm not lashing out, I'm not arguing, but someone who is supposed to be a friend just walks out and leaves to maintain his social life? Or leaves to go to a convention? Or leaves because he's sick of my crying, calls my petulant, and then hangs out with his friends?

My initial thought is that this is rather heartless. He also tells the people we were supposed to meet "oh she's not feeling well" or even "she had to study for a test." When he comes back, he says "oh so-and-so send say hi and wish you were there." He also tells me the enjoyable things they did and said. It's like twisting a knife into me.

Is it unreasonable to think someone could be late for 10 minutes every once in a while to sit with me? Am I seriously asking too much? I realize another's social life is important, but does it have to come at the expense of me feeling like I don't matter?

 

[JohnJohn]

Eloise,

Hang in there. Some days are rougher than others, even if we know what's going on with loved ones the situation still hurts. It's hard to understand everything sufferers do and I am not going to even begin to speculate in your situation. It takes most of our energy to get a handle on our own issues.

Now what I do believe is that sufferers have to escape from situations and relationships that remind them of their condition or negative feelings. It does not mean that they do not want to be there, or do something with you, so much as it reminds them of why they can not be the person they or you want them to be. I believe the constant reminder of their condition just is too much, because they can’t fix it as quickly as they want.

It is a slow process to recovery either way and I know it is frustrating when you see them doing things you want to participate with them in. But I have seen the apathy button hit immediately when we introduce ourselves into the equation.

That does not make them, or it right, but I believe they don’t like it sometimes anymore than we do. Unfortunately it is just mental survival, so avoidance to the issue is better than the constant reminder to our fragility to situations.

For the time being, do what you can to support yourself and remember we all have good and bad days. Take your mind off of things as best you can and treat yourself too. We don’t like to be constantly reminded to how things are either, so just focus on the positive and the future, because you are doing the best you can to support someone you care for, a noble endeavor indeed.

Take care and all my best.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thank you JohnJohn.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Why can't you be included sometimes? Tell him how you feel.

 

[EloiseLandau]

I do FlyingSolo. He's afraid I'm going to say something offensive or embarrassing, or worse, I'll start crying. He's so afraid that me crying will make things so uncomfortable that no one will want to get together with him again.

 

[ProudWife99]

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time, Eloise. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I read your post to indicate that you are suffering from PTSD and your supporter often leaves you to tend to his social life?

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

He's afraid I'm going to say something offensive or embarrassing, or worse, no one will want to get together with him again.

I feel so bad that he is treating you this way. Is it possible you can both go to counseling. So you can get help in getting your needs met?

This type of stress is no good for your PTSD symptoms.

 

[EloiseLandau]

He tried to be a supporter but being yelled at a lot and being told "why aren't you better yet?" made me tell him he couldn't make the claim of being supporter. So I recently demoted him to friend. But even when he was supporter, yes, he would simply up and leave to hang out with his friends.

I don't know if he's amiable to counseling. All he does is talk about how awesome he is and his efforts are, and my last therapist just ate up his charm. I'm not sure if my new one will...it makes me nervous.

I'm not asking him to rescue me or make my life magically better. I just want him to sometimes sit with me on hard days instead of saying "I'm going to be late" and leaving. Isn't that something someone would do even if they aren't a supporter?

I guess it's true some people aren't cut out to be very supportive.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

He tried to be a supporter but being yelled at a lot and being told "why aren't you better yet?" All he does is talk about how awesome he is and his efforts are, and my last therapist just ate up his charm.

By looking at these comments, it's pretty obvious that he is confused about what it takes to really support you.

My ex (it's been years) but anyway he was the same way. A real charmer to everybody else but me, and dickhead to me in privacy of our home. It made me miserable for many years!

I would chat privately with your T before hand ( of the counseling) and apprise him/her of the little charmer game that he plays.

I'm glad to hear you demoted him to friend, I wonder if he even deserves that title. Sometimes we are so desperate to have anybody in our lives that we let the wrong people stick around for too long.

It's extremely difficult to live alone and deal with loneliness. But I would rather suffer in this manner than put up with some jerk and his garbage.

And I don't think you're asking too much of him at all. You have been honest with your disability. It requires a little more understanding and attention than one might give to a healthier person. You did your part by being honest and up-front. But he doesn't sound like he has the ability to be a supporter.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'll be here to support you.

My thoughts and empathy are with you.

Take care.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thanks FlyingSolo.

I came back from therapy and started crying again (I guess it's a natural reaction) and he sat with me a while. But then when I stopped he launched into how much he missed having a sex life (any sex life) and how miserable he was so I just sat there and listened. When he left I took a nap.

I really don't think he knows it's not equivalent.

 

[Jen93]

I do FlyingSolo. He's afraid I'm going to say something offensive or embarrassing, or worse, I'll start crying. He's so afraid that me crying will make things so uncomfortable that no one will want to get together with him again.

I understand exactly how you feel. My Mommy and Daddy are the same way. I had a flashback during Easter dinner in a restaurant with my family, and when we got home I got yelled at. When we were out though, they just said quietly, "You're in a restaurant."

He tried to be a supporter but being yelled at a lot and being told "why aren't you better yet?" made me tell him he couldn't make the claim of being supporter.

Yes, some people aren't cut out to be supporters. They don't understand that this is long lasting. If they haven't even made the attempt to research PTSD or understand things, they probably just treat it as a flu and think it will all be over soon. However, it's not. It's like a cancer. It can "go into remission" where you have a few days of feeling fine, but there is always a chance that it will come back. (retrauma-tization or encountering a trigger.) They don't realize that even a FEELING either physically (Body memory) or emotionally (emotional flashback) can cause tears to flow, with no "trigger" and that we are as confused as they are.

For me, I'm considering very seriously leaving home- maybe go find an apartment close to school, get a job. Cutting off ties is probably the best thing for someone to do in a situation like this, when you've tried everything you can and you're still not being heard.