Justmehere
Sponsor
You both want each other to change. He wants you to be the cure to his pain. You want him to be close on a steady basis without PTSD.
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Relationship So becomes distant after every time we hang out
- Post starter BoyfriendqwithPTSD
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- Post starter
- #14
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
@Justmehere he can take as much space he wants. I don’t mind the distance, that’s not my issue. My issue is him constantly saying he has no feelings for me but then not being able to let go. My issue is him thinking that love is this grand thing that can heal all wounds, and that love means that you are constantly so attracted by eachother and it’s all so sexy. You just cannottttt wait to see the other person. That you’re just always lusting over eachother, that the butterflies remain forever.
No, for me love is: honesty, loyalty, integrity. And most of all; someone who stands right beside you when you are crumbling and the fire rages within, and knowing that at that moment they got you!
Yes. Love should be exciting and happy; but the honeymoon phase dies out, real life happens. It’s about sticking through the worst things together and never wanting to leave. It’s so easy to leave and find someone else who doesn’t have complicated baggage. It’s so easy! And people do it all the time, but I refuse to. So I wish he could see ME and know, this is love!
If he could love me, and know that he does.. then the space he takes wouldn’t freak me out at all...
No, for me love is: honesty, loyalty, integrity. And most of all; someone who stands right beside you when you are crumbling and the fire rages within, and knowing that at that moment they got you!
Yes. Love should be exciting and happy; but the honeymoon phase dies out, real life happens. It’s about sticking through the worst things together and never wanting to leave. It’s so easy to leave and find someone else who doesn’t have complicated baggage. It’s so easy! And people do it all the time, but I refuse to. So I wish he could see ME and know, this is love!
If he could love me, and know that he does.. then the space he takes wouldn’t freak me out at all...
Justmehere
Sponsor
I agree with you that love isn’t just the super duper happy love but it’s an action, commitment, and sometimes downright hard.
His thinking is a bit magical. The push pull would be hard for me too. I’d spend a lot of time venting too! You’ve done all you can to change his mind.
You talk about how he won’t let you go... but remember, you can walk away. You don’t have power over him but you do have power over you. If you choose to stay, you can keep trying to change how he views love, but in the end, the only people we really have control over is ourselves.
His thinking is a bit magical. The push pull would be hard for me too. I’d spend a lot of time venting too! You’ve done all you can to change his mind.
You talk about how he won’t let you go... but remember, you can walk away. You don’t have power over him but you do have power over you. If you choose to stay, you can keep trying to change how he views love, but in the end, the only people we really have control over is ourselves.
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
@BoyfriendqwithPTSD I have read all your posts more than once and carefully. It is not my nature to tell other people what to do. Generally speaking, I Come here to share my experiences in the hope it helps others. That single thought from @Justmehere above is very powerful. Believing and living that thought really is the answer you are seeking here....in my humble opinion.
There is a young lady, Heidi Priebe, who’s book I bought that helped me in my journey as a supporter. The idea is “letting go.” You can’t change your boyfriend but you can change you by letting go. https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/04/this-is-me-letting-you-go/
Take care of you.
Snowflakes
Platinum Member
You can move on and let him be him
Link Removed
This is a good place to come and rant let off some steam recharge your emotions. You as a supporter are in a hard position. It is hard to know what to do or to say. With me I needed space to be alone. I was ashamed of what was going on. I was a rock for so many until I broke. I started to isolate at home my wife would come home from work and find me. Her first question was how was your day. This was when I started to lie to her and say it was ok. How could I tell her my day was terrible I cried all day and have no idea why. That question drove me further away every day. Because I could not tell her the truth. I did tell here about some of my early abuse she was the first person I ever told about sexual abuse when I was a child. I had to tell her something. I was waking up in full on panic attack or waking up crying. She demanded to know what was going on.
There are so many things going through my brain at such a speed that none of them make sense to me. I have no time to think when my symptoms get going or are out of control. If I can't make sense of what is going on how can anyone else. I have a hard time just deciding if I will get up. I try hard not to make snap decisions. I can not plan much cause it is going to change.
I think that you being constantly confused about what he is doing, saying or feeling. Take a minute and try to imagine his side he is being constantly confused by the symptoms of PTSD it is hard or maybe impossible for him to make any decisions at this point in time.
I have made many bad decisions my Dad would always be telling me that. So this has been a long struggle for me. My last T figured I have been surviving from PTSD since I was very young before 11 years old or the trigger that set my life in to motion in a very negative manner. I believe he maybe right something triggered it at 11 years old when I was sent to a child Psychologist. The first words out of his mouth were is your father sexually abusing you. He was wrong about my Dad he was not involved It was a neighbour that was 15 years or so older than me. I said nothing to this man I was scared shitless. A light when on that day and it change me. I realized that this guy that treated me like I was special was abusing me and so were his friends. The abuse started before I was 5 years old. I did not know I was being abused until that day. That started me down a bad road I started fighting at school I got strap at school and then whip when I got home. By the time I was 13 he stopped whipping me and started to kick me out of the house in stead. He told all the family not to help me he was teaching me a lesson. I can't go any further on this right now. That was the start of the worst years of my life. I made so many bad decisions and nothing could stop me. I was completely out of control by 15. I tell you this so you can have a look in my life and see it is really difficult to be a survivor.
I hope this helps you understand a little of what may or may not be going on with your b/f. I wish you all the strength and compassion you need to carry on.
peace be safe
Esterio
This is a good place to come and rant let off some steam recharge your emotions. You as a supporter are in a hard position. It is hard to know what to do or to say. With me I needed space to be alone. I was ashamed of what was going on. I was a rock for so many until I broke. I started to isolate at home my wife would come home from work and find me. Her first question was how was your day. This was when I started to lie to her and say it was ok. How could I tell her my day was terrible I cried all day and have no idea why. That question drove me further away every day. Because I could not tell her the truth. I did tell here about some of my early abuse she was the first person I ever told about sexual abuse when I was a child. I had to tell her something. I was waking up in full on panic attack or waking up crying. She demanded to know what was going on.
There are so many things going through my brain at such a speed that none of them make sense to me. I have no time to think when my symptoms get going or are out of control. If I can't make sense of what is going on how can anyone else. I have a hard time just deciding if I will get up. I try hard not to make snap decisions. I can not plan much cause it is going to change.
I think that you being constantly confused about what he is doing, saying or feeling. Take a minute and try to imagine his side he is being constantly confused by the symptoms of PTSD it is hard or maybe impossible for him to make any decisions at this point in time.
I have made many bad decisions my Dad would always be telling me that. So this has been a long struggle for me. My last T figured I have been surviving from PTSD since I was very young before 11 years old or the trigger that set my life in to motion in a very negative manner. I believe he maybe right something triggered it at 11 years old when I was sent to a child Psychologist. The first words out of his mouth were is your father sexually abusing you. He was wrong about my Dad he was not involved It was a neighbour that was 15 years or so older than me. I said nothing to this man I was scared shitless. A light when on that day and it change me. I realized that this guy that treated me like I was special was abusing me and so were his friends. The abuse started before I was 5 years old. I did not know I was being abused until that day. That started me down a bad road I started fighting at school I got strap at school and then whip when I got home. By the time I was 13 he stopped whipping me and started to kick me out of the house in stead. He told all the family not to help me he was teaching me a lesson. I can't go any further on this right now. That was the start of the worst years of my life. I made so many bad decisions and nothing could stop me. I was completely out of control by 15. I tell you this so you can have a look in my life and see it is really difficult to be a survivor.
I hope this helps you understand a little of what may or may not be going on with your b/f. I wish you all the strength and compassion you need to carry on.
peace be safe
Esterio
- Post starter
- #19
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
@Justmehere yes you are right, I can let go. I can move on. Imagining life without him though, is very hard. Someone I’ve loved relentlessly for years. It just really sucks that I have two options; stay in push and pull or walk away. I really wish he would understand what real love is and how rare it can be at times, I think especially now. I know people who’s walked out on their partners if they have to struggle a little. I would never do that in a million years. He’s my best friend and I’d want to be there in hard times and good. I wish he didn’t have this fantasy thinking, he is ALWAYS looking for that *high* Always chasing the excitement. Always wanting things to be so exciting. He has to feel that rush, the adrenaline. But with a partner and with love, that’s not always the case! LOVE is work, love is dedication! It’s not always about being obsessed with eachother.
It doesn’t help that we have such a massive pressure on us either. Like I said; it’s either marriage or nothing. We’re both from similar cultural backgrounds but I personally disagree with all this pressure and expectation! I genuinely feel like if people weren’t always talking about marriage then maybe he would chill out and things would actually work between us. Only 2 weeks ago did his friends ask him ‘how do you feel about her’ ‘I dunno’ ‘do you wanna marry her’ ‘I dunno’ ‘well if you don’t know then you shouldn’t be talking to her’
Pressure much?!
@Snowflakes I will check it out. Thank you. You are right, it’s my desicions of what to do. It’s just extremely hard to decide to leave.
And may I just add, he tells me he doesn’t love me and that he has 0 feelings. Yet he tells me how utterly heartbroken he would be to lose me, he dreads the potential day where we aren’t taking, how he cannot trust anyone else than me, how he wants me in his future, how he wants me to be his wife but just can’t feel it, how I’m his everything.. confusing! Because for me ALL THAT IS LOVE.
@Esterio thanknyou so much for sharing and a big hug to you if you accept it. When you put it like that, i cannot imagine what it feels like. My SO went through a great deal of emotional abuse in childhood and saw abuse in household too. He is very anxious as a person and has many fears. I genuinely think the dynamic of our relationship is because of the cultural pressures and the fact that our relationship can either go one way or the other. He isn’t great at planning either and never has been. He always makes plans kind of last minute because he just isn’t sure. Last week he was going to go to another city with friends and that city was very far away from home and he had to contemplate on it for 5 hours, he didn’t like the fact that it was far from home. He was really struggling with making that desicions, so I guess deciding if you wanna marry someone is worse by 10000.
Thank you all for listening to me, I feel like I need to rant sometime because I still get so confused and hopeless and it’s hard for me to understand what’s actually going on.
Love to you all
It doesn’t help that we have such a massive pressure on us either. Like I said; it’s either marriage or nothing. We’re both from similar cultural backgrounds but I personally disagree with all this pressure and expectation! I genuinely feel like if people weren’t always talking about marriage then maybe he would chill out and things would actually work between us. Only 2 weeks ago did his friends ask him ‘how do you feel about her’ ‘I dunno’ ‘do you wanna marry her’ ‘I dunno’ ‘well if you don’t know then you shouldn’t be talking to her’
Pressure much?!
@Snowflakes I will check it out. Thank you. You are right, it’s my desicions of what to do. It’s just extremely hard to decide to leave.
And may I just add, he tells me he doesn’t love me and that he has 0 feelings. Yet he tells me how utterly heartbroken he would be to lose me, he dreads the potential day where we aren’t taking, how he cannot trust anyone else than me, how he wants me in his future, how he wants me to be his wife but just can’t feel it, how I’m his everything.. confusing! Because for me ALL THAT IS LOVE.
@Esterio thanknyou so much for sharing and a big hug to you if you accept it. When you put it like that, i cannot imagine what it feels like. My SO went through a great deal of emotional abuse in childhood and saw abuse in household too. He is very anxious as a person and has many fears. I genuinely think the dynamic of our relationship is because of the cultural pressures and the fact that our relationship can either go one way or the other. He isn’t great at planning either and never has been. He always makes plans kind of last minute because he just isn’t sure. Last week he was going to go to another city with friends and that city was very far away from home and he had to contemplate on it for 5 hours, he didn’t like the fact that it was far from home. He was really struggling with making that desicions, so I guess deciding if you wanna marry someone is worse by 10000.
Thank you all for listening to me, I feel like I need to rant sometime because I still get so confused and hopeless and it’s hard for me to understand what’s actually going on.
Love to you all
Justmehere
Sponsor
It’s does suck! No doubt about it. :hug:
And to some degree, he may very well likely always be this way.
I’ve been struggling myself to figure out what’s a deal breaker in a relationship and what’s something that I can live with and still stay in the relationship. It’s s tough challenge without PTSD thrown in the mix.
My heart goes out to you! :hug:
- Post starter
- #21
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
I just don’t know if this is a PTSD thing though? Fairytale thinking? Chasing the high?
Can therapy make this thinking better and maybe teach him more of a realistic view of love?
Big hugs x
Justmehere
Sponsor
Some PTSD sufferers do become adrenaline junkies. It’s a maladaptive way of coping. Magical thinking and all or nothing thinking can be cognitive distortions. Chasing a high and having cognitive distortions can happen with or without PTSD.
Therapy can’t make him do anything. Will therapy help him learn a less idealistic view of love? I guess it could, but I certainly wouldn’t count on it or stick around waiting for it to happen. You’d just be setting both of you up for a lot of resentment. Plus, it doesn’t seem like it’s anything he wants to change. Therapy can’t change things someone doesn’t want to change.
Therapy can’t make him do anything. Will therapy help him learn a less idealistic view of love? I guess it could, but I certainly wouldn’t count on it or stick around waiting for it to happen. You’d just be setting both of you up for a lot of resentment. Plus, it doesn’t seem like it’s anything he wants to change. Therapy can’t change things someone doesn’t want to change.
- Post starter
- #23
BoyfriendqwithPTSD
Silver Member
Thanks @Justmehere
It’s extremely sad, and I do feel like he’s become much worse after therapy especially when it comes to our relationship; he’s not that willing to fight for us. It’s like he’s almost nearly decided that it’s never going to work.
I do hope he can get over his idealistic thinking because otherwise reality of life will hit him hard.
It’s extremely sad, and I do feel like he’s become much worse after therapy especially when it comes to our relationship; he’s not that willing to fight for us. It’s like he’s almost nearly decided that it’s never going to work.
I do hope he can get over his idealistic thinking because otherwise reality of life will hit him hard.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
It really does sound like you want to change him.
The truth is that love means different things to different people. Is it really fair of you to try and change his definition of love? I’d strongly argue no. The reality of love/in love hit me just a few months ago and it not only pisses me off, but I have nights that I go to bed crying because my reality has shifted. I think that forcing others to subscribe to ones own version of love is a very self-serving and selfish act. Who is anyone to judge if someone needs/wants that adrenaline rush? I think this is his journey to figure out on his own, and it’s not up to you to make the decision on exactly what Love is for him.
I totally understand that you want him in your life, but you cannot push a river. His healing and growth will happen at its own pace. You can’t force these things, you can’t force them to be what you want to be.
The truth is that love means different things to different people. Is it really fair of you to try and change his definition of love? I’d strongly argue no. The reality of love/in love hit me just a few months ago and it not only pisses me off, but I have nights that I go to bed crying because my reality has shifted. I think that forcing others to subscribe to ones own version of love is a very self-serving and selfish act. Who is anyone to judge if someone needs/wants that adrenaline rush? I think this is his journey to figure out on his own, and it’s not up to you to make the decision on exactly what Love is for him.
I totally understand that you want him in your life, but you cannot push a river. His healing and growth will happen at its own pace. You can’t force these things, you can’t force them to be what you want to be.
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