Relationship So becomes distant after every time we hang out

[Snowflakes]

@OrangeJulius You post above brought tears to my eyes. You are an extraordinary person.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks for answering @Snowflakes. Your answer is better than anything I could come up with.

I guess it comes down to....


Does he want to take you on his journey of recovery? And would you want to go?

I have been with J from the beginning of his therapy. I've seen it all. And he brings me along. He shares what he's learning and feeling. And I do the same. He allows me to be there for him. Yep. Allows. Otherwise I would have had to leave the relationship. We're a team.

Sometimes he can say the most horrible things to me. He tries to push me away almost like a test to see if I'll abandon him. (like all his ex's did) I'm not going anywhere.

It's a hard thing to deal with but at the end of the day. We're dealing with it together.

You've been with your guy 7 years? Can I ask why you haven't married already? Is he as serious as you are? It doesn't seem so. Forget about marriage and kids with him (at least for now). He has a long way to go to be in a healthy place for all of that.

You have choices to make. Do you want to wait for something that may never happen? Can you give him time and space to heal a bit? Can you let your feelings and emotions go for now and put your energy into yourself and your future? Quite possibly without him.

PTSD is a horrible disorder and not everyone can be a supporter. I have a life outside of my relationship. I can't always rely on him to make me feel good and I shouldn't have to. I am my own person who finds happiness everywhere. Friends. Family. Hobbies. Exercise. Cooking.....

Most of us supporters have to put our feelings on the back burner alot. Can you do that? Can you put all of your energy into someone and not receive those same things in return? It happens. Alot.

At the end of the day J and I are committed to each other and we're on this journey together. It ain't always pretty but it's real, awesome, wonderful, sh*tty, painful, and loving.

XO

 

[Freida]

I am confused. And his behavior is confusing to me.

This ^^^^. Part of living with someone who has ptsd --or being a person with ptsd-- is a state of constant confusion. There is no escaping it. For you to have a relationship with him you have to accept that this will be your normal. You have to accept you will pretty much always be confused because HE will always be confused. I don't know how I'm going to feel when I wake up in the morning. I don't know how I'm going to feel in the afternoon. I don't know how I'm going to feel at night. And my behavior reflects that. I may hate hubby one moment and love him the next. If he had to live his life based on how I was going to behave he would have been nuts by now.

For the first 10 years we were together hubby had no idea if I would be there when he got home from work each day. Most of that had nothing to do with if I loved him. It had to do with my mal-adaptive coping skills and my tendency to just take off. So he hoped I would be there and prepared himself for what he would do if I wasn't. There was nothing else he could do. I couldn't give him any reassurance because I didn't know. Even now we still run into that - -but I have learned better coping skills to slow down the process. Not stop it. Slow it down.

I think this is what the supporters are trying to help you see. There is NO answer to the question you are asking -- and that sucks. For both supporter and sufferer. It's not about rewording the question. It's about learning to live with the uncertainty of ptsd. And not everyone can do it. I am in awe of the supporters who can. I followed @Snowflakes story and it was a huge eye opener for me on how my behavior impacts others. But. It didn't make me change my behavior. It just made me more aware of the damage I was doing.

You have to be able to accept him as he is - ptsd and all - which means accepting that you will always be confused.

 

[LuckiLee]

@Freida!!!! Is that you, J? LOL
(I feel) He could have wrote that. And reading it made me realize I'm in my Zen place. I just let him do his thing. Whatever it takes for him to get through the next minute, hour, day...

And you're right, if I had to live my life based on how he was going to behave?? Eew. I kinda did that though, in the beginning. Because i knew exactly why he reached out for help on that particular morning. I knew how sick he was (then). We did it together. Appointments. Medication. Crying. Puking. Shaking. (my poor baby love)

Now. I know the disorder and how he cope's with it. I just go with the flow (usually). I still NEVER know what kind of mood he'll be in. Sh*t, neither does he. I can read him pretty darn good though. I can see the stress build and where it comes from. It's a work in progress and always will be! That's what any kind of relationship is.

Sorry I'm babbling. I'm home sick and just thinking. Love you @Freida. Have a kick azz day!

XO

 

[Hollandi]

Hi everyone.

I haven’t been active here for a while, felt like I needed a break and just...

The decision to marry anyone with a serious psychological disorder is HUGE. I would ask, therefore, why is marrying so important? I did suspect from you message that there were 'cultural' issues. All I can say is that 'you simply must not these (if they exist?) count at all'. Marriage is just not a mechanism through-which you solve (or manage) the 'issues' of other people. If you have power, it is best expressed simply by remaining and 'loving'.

 

[Freida]

I can see the stress build and where it comes from.

Hubby does this with me. He will look at me and say "why are you so ancy?" or some such thing. Often I have no idea how wound up I am until he points it out. It used to piss me off -- but now I use it as kind of an early warning system. And a lot of times I have no idea what is causing it --- which sucks.

 

[LuckiLee]

Yeah it can piss J off too. I have to choose my wording carefully. Sometimes it can make him more upset depending on the level of his frustration. If I can catch it early enough?? Meltdown, avoided.

 

[Freida]

So funny how he and I can be so much alike! lemme guess - he does the "I'm not upset their is nothing wrong dammit" thing too?? When you are watching him start to really go downhill and he won't admit it?:):):)

 

[LuckiLee]

Yep. I like the "I'M NOT MAD"!!!! While he's yelling like a lunatic through the house.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

How about ‘I wasn’t angry until you asked me!!!!!!!!’?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

By the way I will reply to you all properly tomorrow as today has been manic. Some of the replies really blew me away and gave me a dose of reality which I really needed, thank you all.

 

[Freida]

Add some door slamming and "I'M FINE!" and you have a typical day round here...