He Laughed At Me

[Be Braver]

So I was sexually assaulted as a child. My boyfriend knows this and has been very wonderful. Intimacy has been difficult for me as a result and he has always been patient and kind. Today while we were fooling around he chuckled at me. And I know he didn't mean to make me feel how he did but I literally ran into the bathroom crying and couldn't talk to him. I now feel humiliated and disgusted with myself. I already felt ashamed of my body and guilty when I did anything intimate and now I literally want to go hide in a corner and not come out. I ended up self harming which I haven't done in years and I still don't feel better. I kind of want to keep self harming but I know I shouldn't. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for by posting this. I just feel really awful, I feel like I can't look my boyfriend in the eye anymore. I feel like an embarrassment and like I should disappear for a little while.

 

[joeylittle]

@Be Braver - are you certain he chuckled at you? It's not hard to become hyper-attuned to things that cause stress, and sometimes make assumptions - mis-read - things happening around us.

 

[Be Braver]

@joeylittle he said he didn't mean it the way I interpreted it, and he didn't realize how it came across. But we didn't talk farther than that in the conversation because I wanted him to leave so he did. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but that area of my life already has super negative thoughts and this is just adding to it. I'm not upset with him at all, I just kinda hate myself more if that makes sense.

 

[Gamera3000]

That sounds like something a young guy would do. Something my husband did when he was a young person, honestly, and it upset me as well. Young guys do not understand that kind of thing. You need to have strong, serious words with him. Think of it like having stern words with a dog. I hate to put it that way, because people are not dogs, but it has to be clear and firm.

If I were you, I would write it out and practice saying it out loud first. When I was younger, this kind of discussion would have embarrassed me. In fact, it still probably would. Practicing it when you're alone will make it easier to say to him.

I'd say something like, "Laughing at me while being intimate is BIG DEAL and it is NOT acceptable. It upset me a lot. It does not matter how you meant it. Do you understand?"

 

[Be Braver]

@Gamera3000 we're youngish. I'm 23 he's 24. I think talking to him may be a good idea I just don't want to relive it. I have a problem with obsessing over things and replaying them in my mind over and over and over and anything like this ends up in that category, but I think explaining why I reacted the way I did could be important for both him and myself.

 

[Gamera3000]

I just don't want to relive it.

Yeah I wouldn't either. That's why a script-type deal might help. It may be tempting to kind of let it go, but people really are quite a bit like dogs. When there is a line there that should not be crossed, you have to firmly say NO, NOT OKAY and get the other person to acknowledge that they will not do it again.

And just so you know, this experience was worse for you because of your trauma, but it would not be okay for anyone. It was a jerk move on your boyfriend's part. Anyone would have gotten upset. He was just being immature, which guys will do, but he needs to understand that and not get away with thinking it was your fault for being sensitive.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

My husband is no longer young and immature (55) and still randomly slips up and can sometimes make me think he's responding to something in what I perceive to be a disrespectful way when all he's really doing is responding naturally as most any human who hadn't lived through multiple traumatic events would do. His memory and his filter breaks just like mine do some days.

He's never made me feel or expressed that anything was all my fault or accused me of simply being too sensitive (although I'm super highly sensitive to damn near everything), but I sure kept myself busy thinking it was all on me since I was the "broken" one with the incredibly troubled past and the diagnoses requiring treatment and ongoing help and such. I often wondered how someone could even stand to love me when I couldn't even stand myself most of the time and was quick to take on all that blame and shame and steadily added to it with each thought.

I didn't always give him much of a chance to even weigh in on the subject as my head and heart were already totally convinced they had it figured out and my only goal was to make things stop hurting, which usually meant to keep avoiding things at all costs. But once I allowed myself to openly go there, as needed in the moment, and explained how deeply and how badly those things hurt me, and why, each and every time, not just a one-time blanket statement or command, he became much more mindful, compassionate, and wanted to learn more.

I agree with putting things in writing as the emotional overwhelm of trying to discuss it without losing control of those emotions is tricky to say the least. Sharing it in writing prior to discussing it, and having it there with you while discussing it, highlighted, with notes in the margins, taking notes during, or whatever it takes, gives you both a chance to read and digest it all slowly and thoroughly so things can go much smoother the next time it happens, because it likely will happen again, very unintentionally, from what I've experienced. The human condition means we're going to continue to screw things up even when we don't mean to, and quite often in my case, especially when I don't mean to.

Now if he's being a real asshole about it, that's a deal breaker. But from what you explained, it doesn't sound like he is, at all. Purposeful and intentional hurt needs to be squashed, dealt with, and dismissed ASAP. Everything else can usually be handled with love, patience, and understanding, beginning with self, if we let it be. Hoping your heart can feel lighter and you two can feel closer. Sending an understanding hug from afar.

 

[Be Braver]

@Gamera3000 @Tornadic Thoughts Thank you both so much for your kindness, and advice. I talked things over with him and he understood and really meant his apology. He is a great guy so I knew he didn't mean anything by it in the first place. Thank you both again

 

[Stitchin]

I'm glad you talked to him! Now you can let it go and move forward

BIG LOVE