Relationship He Pushes Me Away And Comes Back

[Whatdreamsmaycome]

I started dating this man back in February of this year, since then we have been through so many things that would break anyone else up. I got into a car accident and he was there for me. He totaled his car and I picked him up from the crash site and drove him home and put him to bed. There were so many other nights when I would pick him up drunk and get him home safe. He was diagnosed with Combat-PTSD sometime between May-June. In June, things started getting serious, his drinking decreased substantially, that same month I got pregnant and I decided to get an abortion. After that, I felt we got closer, He was doing really well overall. In September I allowed him to meet my 4 yr old daughter. It was like finally everything fit into place. Well, as time passed we were doing well. I would spend the days that I didn't have my daughter with him. It was comfortable, we were all about each other. In mid November, he found some messages between my ex-husband and I (he went through my phone) and he was very hurt. See my ex-husband has been trying to get back with me, but I am not interested. Anyways, after I explained to him that I had no romantic feelings for my ex, he said he would get over it. But, he didn't. He became distant, whenever we were intimate it felt like just sex opposed to making love. I voiced how I felt no longer loved, he said what did I expect, that he was trying to get over it, but it was going to take some time. I said okay. Then he stopped contacting me. I asked him what was up, he said when could we meet up. I told him, if he was going to break up with me to just tell him. He replied, that he didn't want to be a jerk and do it over the phone. I was crushed! I stood by him when most would run. I told him okay. That night I went out with a male friend and he tagged me in a check-in, within minutes he contacted me and told me that I moved on quick. He went on and tried to feed me a ton of poison, I kept telling him that we would see each other the following day, when we agreed I would pick up my things. So i showed up to his house and picked up my bags. I asked him what happened to us? He said, it was just too much. That he was more stressed about our relationship than anything else. That he didn't love me anymore and that he was sorry, he knows it sucks. He wished me the best and said "this world is so small, maybe we'll run into each other sometime." Lastly, he told me he would give me a week to transfer my cellphone. I agreed.

the following week was awful and I would text him and he would be cold, told me to please not contact him unless it had to do with the status of the phone. I pulled away, would only contact him if he would first. He has been through so much and I never want him to feel like he does not have anyone to lean on. He ended up texting me a week after the break up, late in the evening. I drove to his house and we were intimate. During the act he actually choked me to the point where I got dizzy and my body went numb. I started crying and he got off of me and said, :"you're okay, you're okay, I'm here. " he apologized and we went to sleep. the following morning, he apologized again. He also voiced that the previous night, did not change things between us.

Here, I am going on my 3rd week since the break up. I have seen him on another occasion, this past Tuesday, to be exact. He told me how much he's missed me and calls me baby, he made love to me. I am not sad anymore. I have been educating myself on his disorder because I do not wish to be uninformed. He also suffers from BPII and Alcoholism. Right now, he is in a terrible place mentally. Drinking so heavily, that he didn't go to work on Sunday. For the 2 past nights he has asked me to go "take care of him" I explained that I couldn't because I have my daughter. Although, I mentioned that I wont have her for the weekend and when I asked if I could see him, his response was "maybe."

I want to be there for him, I love this man. Is it naive of me to believe that LOVE can heal someone? He would always say how happy he was to have found someone like me and how having both my daughter and I in his life gave him will to get better. That is what I am holding onto. How wonderful it was, how I would see him happy. How I would see how my love would let him sleep 8 hours a night, how my love would be stronger than the will to drink. I have seen him at his absolute worse and at his absolute best and I choose both, I choose him.

I want to disclose, that he is on 2 meds, but with the alcohol consumption, its defeating the purpose of those meds. I also want to say that I see a Therapist every 3 weeks.

 

[anonymous]

Are you aware he almost killed you?

Your behaviour shows him he can do anything, even almost kill you, and you will stay and be a good "partner". Do you want this?

 

[Snowangel1225]

Is it naive of me to believe that LOVE can heal someone?

If love could heal someone there would be no need for this forum. You are being naive to even consider it. From what you wrote, I would say run. There is so much wrong with the relationship that I don't even know where to begin. PTSD and alcohol do not and can not mix. Jealousy and violence are deal breakers. He needs to get help for himself...for both his alcohol and PTSD and you need to get away from him to allow him to do this. You are putting yourself (and your child's mother) at risk.

 

[franciemarnie]

Love doesn't heal alcoholism anymore than it heals cancer.

There needs to be consequences for bad behavior. Your behavior teaches him you will put up with abuse.

You and your child deserve better. Way better.

 

[DMerish]

I don't like to be harsh, but sometimes harshness is what's required . . . You equate being needed with feeling loved, and you're mistakenly thinking that loving someone else and having sex means love. It doesn't.

When you feel needed and he's doing okay then you feel okay. Sister, that's not love. What you described is classic co-dependent behavior coupled with his physical and emotional abusiveness.

Alcoholics can be real fun to be around. They can be sensitive, act loving, and say the "right things" but they do not have relationships. They take hostages, and you've offered yourself and daughter as hostages. You are not doing yourself, your daughter or him favors by continuing to behave in this way. Most importantly, you're not being the model for your daughter so she may learn what having respect for one's self is, or what being in a loving and relatively healthy relationship looks like.

Forget this guy's PTSD issues - they are for him to deal with. You have things in yourself that need to be addressed if you wish your life to be stable, somewhat secure, free from unnecessary drama, and side step possible traumatic events to you and your daughter.

If you've made it clear to your ex you're not interested then that should have been the end of it - maybe one more communication from you reiterating you already said "No, we're not getting back together ever and I've moved on" then no more contact with him about the topic. Period.

Life is weird. People are weird. Love helps, but loving yourself first and foremost is the path to being able to know the difference between supporting their and your weaknesses (rather than strengths).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Reasons to walk (run) from this guy...

1) He is an active alcoholic (are you aware that treatment programs often say no new relationships for the first year of sobriety? There's a reason for that)

2) He tried to kill you (yes, choking can be sexual in nature, BUT it is agreed upon beforehand, otherwise it's attempted murder)

3) He's a jealous arse (does he REALLY think that no guy is ever going to look your way/flirt/hit on you ever again? BIG WRONG!)

Notice that PTSD didn't make the list.

 

[Badger]

Totally. The choking thing. Awful. Attempted murder, I would agree with Solara. You poor thing. You need to listen to what these people are saying. Your life is in danger. Add to that the fact that this guy has a jealousy problem and you seem to be buying into allowing him to dump you and then make pronouncemments about how you can live your life. You're not sad anymore? Does that mean you want to stick with a guy who treats you like a doormat to the point where he nearly chokes you to death during sex? And that didn't sound like some sort of game either- I'm all for CONSENSUAL fun and games. SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL. Not what that was.
Oh yeah and then you are letting this abusive guy invite you over for a booty call anytime he wants to and YOU are going to say yes? What is it going to be next time, rape? You need to get rid of this guy or you are going to be the one ending up getting treated for PTSD.

Somehow you have got it into your head that the way this guy is treating you is somewhere within the range of acceptable, otherwise you would be done. That means you must have some sort of awful abuse in your past...and you think you deserve this. We are here to tell you you do not. This guy needs help, alot of help, at least a year's worth of help, before he is fit to be around anyone, chalk this "relationship" up to a learning experience and if you live in the USA call the crime victims assistance hotline. It's anonymous, tell them what happened and get the counseling help you need to break the cycle. For your daughter. She needs to see you treated with respect and love by someone who is stable. Can you imagine if she grew up and thought this was normal? How sad that would be for her, and for you.

And I just wanted to add that this guy is not your project/problem. Your love cannot heal him. He lost the right to be that when he treated you that way. You do, however, have a very serious responsibility to take care of your daughter. Your love can keep her safe, and teach her how to make good decisions. Focus on that.

And please notice, I didn't mention PTSD in my post here either. It's not relevant. This guy is dangerous. Period.

 

[nursenurse]

I can't add anything more. Be a parent to your child and set the good example of how anyone should be treated, man, woman or child. These types give a bad name to PTSD when it is used as an excuse for this kind of behaviour. You are in danger. And so is your daughter. Run. These leopards don't change their spots over time, in general.