Relationship He Wants A Baby

[RiverEDGE]

So after my Marine (best way to describe him) came out of his last withdrawal he shared some shocking information with me. We haven't actually been bf and gf since October, although it it seems like we are to everyone else. He doesn't want the label, but yet he said he wants to have a child with me.

I love him to death and want a child too, but I am afraid he wants one for the wrong reasons. He is 27 and I just turned 24 so I know his biological clock is a few years ahead of mine. What really worries me is when he mentions that a kid will calm him down. It probably will, but I can't help but wonder if it is a desperate attempt to feel "normal" or is this what other guys without PTSD feel as well.

The fact that he can't commit to being my bf, but wants a baby just doesn't make sense to me. He also said that he wants to get married after I graduate from college in December. I actually believe him because he is possibly the most honest person I know.

I know he loves kids and wants one someday, but is right now just a coping mechanism to feel something? I would love to have kids right now I'm just scared his reason and mine are different. Has anyone else had their partner suggest children as an attempt to offset PTSD? Or do you think I'm over analyzing this situation?

Any advice is welcome!

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

I don't think its wise to have a child with him if he isn't ready for it.... I remember I used to be attracted to ditsy, innocent girls because their I felt that their optimism and innocence would counteract me and make me feel better. Well I realized that is not good and have grown since then. I'm sure you love each other, but I'm worried for the child. Personally, I think he needs to be able to handle a relationship with you well before he can handle a child. Thats just my personal opinion though...

 

[amethist]

Hi RiverEDGE

Maybe you should have a fully stable relationship together before even thinking about having a child.

You have said he cannot commit to being know publicly as your boyfriend, yet tells you he wants to marry you after you graduate. Surely being your boyfriend comes first, before getting married and having a child together.

There is no reason why having a child when you have PTSD in the mix should stop you, but having a child to be able to feel normal, to me sounds a bit off.

These are just my opinions, but having child has to be for the right reasons. So I hope you can work it out for the right reasons in time. 27 and 24 is still young, and you could wait until he is 30 or more before you start worrying. Also dont feel pressured yourself, take your time too, it is a big responsibility.

Amethist

 

[Izzy]

I really hate to quote Dr. Phil, but it is absolutely selfish to bring a child into this world and immediately give him or her "job." A baby is not a bandaid.

I am in a very similar situation with my husband (also a Marine, former). He swears up and down that his behavior will change for the better if we were to have a baby. I wanted to test to waters, so I got him a puppy. He's doing pretty well. Having the dog around has brought out both of our "parenting" styles and has started a lot of great conversations (and some fights) about when we finally do have children. Food for thought :)

 

[Nicolette]

The fact that he can't commit to being my bf, but wants a baby just doesn't make sense to me. He also said that he wants to get married after I graduate from college in December. I actually believe him because he is possibly the most honest person I know.

Honestly, I don't know which is scarier - that you believe him if he can't commit now (how can he in December and not now) or that "he is the most honest person" you know.

Sorry....you say he loves kids but does he love you or just want a mother for his children?

 

[iMPACTt43w0r1d]

I'm quite concerned about the child. I would advise against having a baby with him. I mean....Can you imagine? What if things don't work out with you two? And now the child has to grow up with the sense of failure that s/he couldn't hold you two together, that s/he wasn't good enough....It would be absolutely horrifying for the child...

 

[RiverEDGE]

Thank you all for the advice. We decided that we aren't ready for children and need to work on our relationship first. I want to be married and stable before I bring a child into this world. I have always been against having a baby to fix a relationship because it puts more pressure on an already fragile relationship. I think he was wanting a child to fix himself thinking that it would pull him out of depression and make him happy. I'm not really sure that is just a guess.

I'm worried about him though. This past month has been tough on both of us. I don't know one day to the next what kind of mood he is going to be in. I've never seen him this depressed in the past 3 years I've been with him.