Relationship He Wants To Leave. Desperate To Help Him

[maddi]

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now and everything has been great. He's my best friend and we've spoken about marriage and kids and recently moved in together. The first I knew of his PTSD is about 6 months into the relationship when we had a pretty big fight...he completely shut down and I felt like I was looking at a shell of a human. Nonetheless he was fine the next day and we were great again.

I noticed in the last month he started to be distant and we'd had more petty fights and thought I'd done something wrong or worst case scenario he didn't love me anymore. Well last night he had mental breakdown and says he needs to leave me and be alone because he is so messed up in his head. I held him while he cried himself to sleep. He says he relives the trauma that happened with his work 6 years ago and has nightmares and can't forget seeing the dead bodies. He feels ashamed because he received a bravery award for his work in this tragedy. I feel so angry at myself I didn't see that he was struggling and that it was nothing to do with me and feel like I could've done more.

He says he still loves me more than anything and will be miserable without me but he just needs time by himself. I don't know if that means he'll ever come back to me once he's happy again. One positive is he's agreed to start seeing a psychologist as he's refused to in the past. I just wish he could include me in his healing process and know that he doesn't have to leave me to get better. I promised him I will wait for him to get better and that he can come back at any time but I don't know if I'm holding onto false hope or if he'll feel too guilty to come back. I'm so out of my depth and need any advice I can get.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hi @maddi

My heart goes out to your and your sufferer at this time, it really is a heartbreaking situation. The advice you're probably going to receive isn't the fairytale you are probably wishing for but you should really listen because people on here have a wealth of knowledge and advice.

From what I've read and my experience he really needs therapy so it's great that he's agreed to see someone - this is honestly a MASSIVE step. The worst part about this is you really do have to let them figure it out for themselves, if he chooses to let you support him during this time then that is great but usually they need to do it alone. If you read the PTSD Stress cup on this website you will see why, sometimes they can only deal with one thing at one time in their lives because their brain is filled with PTSD stressors. Even though you might be a wonderful thing in his life you are still counted as stress ... a good stress.

Do not take any of this personally, no doubt he is very much in love with you he is just unable to feel or show it at sometimes because their trauma consumes them. When my sufferer isolates or decides not to speak to me, I know the best thing I can give him is space and time away to work on himself. One thing which they can find reassuring is if you send a message here and there just saying you hope theyre ok and you're here if they need you. If he has asked for no contact though I would refrain from doing this.

There is no knowing if he will come back or not however or how long it will take, only you will know if you can wait or if you're prepared to wait for someone that might not come back. The best piece of advice I can give you and it will be the hardest to take is to honestly take care of yourself and live your life.

Live your life like it was without him in it - I'm not saying to date or move on necessarily, I'm saying go exercise, see your friends more, do things that you enjoy. You probably feel so low you don't want to but I promise it works, give it a few days of taking care of yourself and you will start to feel better! Your priority is you, you need to be healthy and happy in order to support a sufferer of PTSD.

Message me if you just need a chat :) Always here!

 

[maddi]

Hi @maddi

My heart goes out to your and your sufferer at this time, it really is...

Hi @Newtoptsd thank you for your advice and support. They were kind words and more of what I needed to hear.

I am slowly starting to understand that it's not about me and that he purely can't think about anything more than what's going on in his mind. As hard as it is I know I just have to be patient and let it run its course however long that may be. I just don't feel like living my life and looking after myself so much anymore but I know that won't be beneficial to the situation. I've tried to tell myself (without getting my hopes up too much) he'll be more likely to come back to someone who is happy and the person he is used to knowing rather than someone who is upset, stressed and heartbroken.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hi @Newtoptsd thank you for your advice and support. They were kind words and more of...

@maddi

You are very very welcome!! It is 100% NOT about you, please do not think this. What I try to do is put myself in their shoes for 5 minutes, imagine all these triggers and struggles which generate, fear, anger and feeling lost with everything in life and then add a stress of a relationship or having and probably wanting to care for someone else but knowing you don't have the capacity to in the mix? They simply cannot process and cope with the amount of stuff going on.

I know the feeling, I had a bad day with my vet yesterday and I think it's over, I couldn't stop bursting into tears and feeling helpless, I didn't want to get out of bed this morning .... this only made things worse. I've dragged myself to work and arranged plans for the next few evenings and now I feel so much better already. Honestly you have to pick yourself up, maybe you should seek some therapy also? It doesn't mean your weak just sometimes it helps to talk to someone on the outside rather than anyone close to you? Honestly if he can see that you are doing fine and are happy then it's one less thing for him to stress about, makes his life easier.

I confronted my vet about whether he was dating someone else yesterday and even though he isn't he could see that I was upset and down and that led to him immediately pushing me away telling me he never wanted a relationship. Basically he thinks he's inflicting me to be down and sad and then he starts to feel guilt and wants me to be with someone whos not mentally Ill which leads to him pushing me away.

So it honestly really really does pay off to take care of yourself I promise x

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Hi Maddi

Curious to know how things are going? You posted in December - how have these last couple of months been?

 

[maddi]

Hi Maddi

Curious to know how things are going? You posted in December - how have these last...

Hi @LoveMyNavyChief! I hear from him occasionally (once every few weeks) but things between us are a lot worse than they were back in December unfortunately. Last time we properly spoke back in February he said he couldn't come back to someone that unleashed this pain and suffering even though it's not related to me...fair to say I felt like I took the majority of the blame and somehow things were my fault :( from there we haven't spoken apart from me telling him I had moved. His responses are mostly one word texts or nothing at all. As far as I know he's keeping up with the therapy but it also appears he hasn't cut back his destructive lifestyle of drinking excessively. It breaks my heart to say but I don't think he'll ever come back to me or reach out to me if I don't...in his mind I'm the thing that's triggered him. I wish I could tell you otherwise...

 

[Snowflakes]

@maddi Im sorry about your pain and hurt. Hugs to you if you accept them :hug:

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Hi Maddi

Thank you for responding.

I'm so, so sorry that things are this way. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for being as strong as you are. I hope the pain is subsiding as time passes.

Again, my heart goes out to you, you aren't alone out here. It hurts.

Wishing you continued strength, and we're always here for support.

Hugs,
LMNC